The date caught me unawares

[Big Yellow Taxi]

Was at work today and going to the works diary for something & the date got me. 3 years ago today my sisters and I made the most difficult decisions in our life. We spent a whole day/night with mum whilst she was assessed prior to being sectioned. My beautiful, intelligent mum. calm, caring, intelligent, fun, great company, amazing mum, sparky, cheeky, all round amazing. Always the voice of reason, How did we get to this?
It was during lockdown. My/our decisions led to mum being sent to psychiatric wards for over 8 weeks with us unable to visit her. I can’t still accept what happened. I feel I know it needed to happen at the time but now I question things. My mum was alone when she needed us most. Yet they partied at number 10 while my mum was without her family, mentally ill, confused & in an alien environment. I could say more But whats the point.
Feel sad, so sad. I only saw mum after that when she was on palliative end of life at the hospital 3.5 months later. The nurses were amazing & helped us try to make up for so much time lost in a couple of short visits. I feel angry, I feel robbed of my my mum, I feel angry how mums illness destroyed our family. I miss my mum. I miss how life was.

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so sorry @Big Yellow Taxi

The nurses were amazing & helped us try to make up for so much time lost in a couple of short visits.

Hold on to this.

During the whole of lockdown my heart was with all carers who were unable to visit their family members in care homes and for the only time in my life I was relieved I didn`t have to go through this with my husband.

Your feelings are perfectly natural and I`m afraid will take a long time to fade.

Try to look after yourself.

 

[sdmhred]

Oh I’m so sad to read your post @Big Yellow Taxi 😢😢

I think the covid enquiry are asking for stories - you should share yours.

Thank you for sharing it here and giving us a glimpse of your mum xx

 

[Izzy]

So incredibly sad @Big Yellow Taxi. No wonder you feel as you do. Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

 

[LynneMcV]

My heart goes out to you and others in your situation @Big Yellow Taxi.

During my husband's illness he was sectioned twice - and I stayed by his side in the mental health unit for many hours each day - it was what got us through such a bleak time.

When the pandemic came and all the restrictions kicked in, like those you have described, I couldn't even come close to imagining the level of heartbreak and angst that carers were facing through forced separations. I felt such enormous gratitude that I had not had to face such horrors on top of everything else.

I don't know what to say to you, or to others, who found themselves facing this immense level of heartache - I can only offer my deepest hope that, in time, you will find some level of peace - and I wish you much strength and love towards that end.

 

[Alberta23]

Was at work today and going to the works diary for something & the date got me. 3 years ago today my sisters and I made the most difficult decisions in our life. We spent a whole day/night with mum whilst she was assessed prior to being sectioned. My beautiful, intelligent mum. calm, caring, intelligent, fun, great company, amazing mum, sparky, cheeky, all round amazing. Always the voice of reason, How did we get to this?
It was during lockdown. My/our decisions led to mum being sent to psychiatric wards for over 8 weeks with us unable to visit her. I can’t still accept what happened. I feel I know it needed to happen at the time but now I question things. My mum was alone when she needed us most. Yet they partied at number 10 while my mum was without her family, mentally ill, confused & in an alien environment. I could say more But whats the point.
Feel sad, so sad. I only saw mum after that when she was on palliative end of life at the hospital 3.5 months later. The nurses were amazing & helped us try to make up for so much time lost in a couple of short visits. I feel angry, I feel robbed of my my mum, I feel angry how mums illness destroyed our family. I miss my mum. I miss how life was.

I can really understand how you feel. My mum went into a placement that took her from me too early. The thought of a loved one being away from family is awful. Not being able to be with them 24/7. During lockdown was beyond awful. Take comfort in you being able to see her before she died. Was able to show her you cared. She would know that you loved her. It helps me knowing mum had me by her side when she died. Mum hated being away from her home. The home never suited her and practice was poor. I worry I never got mum back home before she died. We end up having so many regrets. Have so many "if onlys". But im holding on to mums memory. Holding her in my heart. You will have millions of good memories around your mum. We need to accept pain of losing them hurts so much, but its also important to cherish what our mums left in our hearts. I tell myself....8 weeks in a bad care home, is short, compared to the 96 years that my mum was alive.... I take comfort in that my mum hopefully will remember only the good parts of a long life. And hope her short term memory loss hid the bad bits at the end. Our mums are always in our hearts. They will never leave us. X

 

[Big Yellow Taxi]

I`m so sorry @Big Yellow Taxi



Hold on to this.

During the whole of lockdown my heart was with all carers who were unable to visit their family members in care homes and for the only time in my life I was relieved I didn`t have to go through this with my husband.

Your feelings are perfectly natural and I`m afraid will take a long time to fade.

Try to look after yourself.

Thank you for replying. I do appreciate it. I know everyone on here has their own stories and struggles xx

 

[Big Yellow Taxi]

I can really understand how you feel. My mum went into a placement that took her from me too early. The thought of a loved one being away from family is awful. Not being able to be with them 24/7. During lockdown was beyond awful. Take comfort in you being able to see her before she died. Was able to show her you cared. She would know that you loved her. It helps me knowing mum had me by her side when she died. Mum hated being away from her home. The home never suited her and practice was poor. I worry I never got mum back home before she died. We end up having so many regrets. Have so many "if onlys". But im holding on to mums memory. Holding her in my heart. You will have millions of good memories around your mum. We need to accept pain of losing them hurts so much, but it’s also important to cherish what our mums left in our hearts. I tell myself....8 weeks in a bad care home, is short, compared to the 96 years that my mum was alive.... I take comfort in that my mum hopefully will remember only the good parts of a long life. And hope her short term memory loss hid the bad bits at the end. Our mums are always in our hearts. They will never leave us. X

Thank you for your reply. I will take your advice and words forward. I haven’t found much comfort in anything yet if I’m honest, just a numbness and coldness about everything and that upsets me. I guess time will heal. I‘ve started to write down everything that is bothering me still, maybe that will help. I’m so sorry you had a similar experience with your mum. Xx

 

[Big Yellow Taxi]

My heart goes out to you and others in your situation @Big Yellow Taxi.

During my husband's illness he was sectioned twice - and I stayed by his side in the mental health unit for many hours each day - it was what got us through such a bleak time.

When the pandemic came and all the restrictions kicked in, like those you have described, I couldn't even come close to imagining the level of heartbreak and angst that carers were facing through forced separations. I felt such enormous gratitude that I had not had to face such horrors on top of everything else.

I don't know what to say to you, or to others, who found themselves facing this immense level of heartache - I can only offer my deepest hope that, in time, you will find some level of peace - and I wish you much strength and love towards that end.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and your kind words. I’m so sorry to read you & your husband also had to manage through the upset and complexities of sectioning. Time will heal I’m sure, its just going to be a long road xx

 

[Big Yellow Taxi]

So incredibly sad @Big Yellow Taxi. No wonder you feel as you do. Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Thank you, thats really kind of you xx

 

[Big Yellow Taxi]

Oh I’m so sad to read your post @Big Yellow Taxi 😢😢

I think the covid enquiry are asking for stories - you should share yours.

Thank you for sharing it here and giving us a glimpse of your mum xx

Thank you for responding I do appreciate everyone’s replies. I have just started to make notes of everything that happened. Initially I was too angry, then I just shutdown completely with my feelings and put a lid on them. Not consciously, just an in-built self preservation I guess? I do want to submit to the covid enquiry but I’ll see how I go. If I’m honest I became totally focused on fighting the local council about them witholding mums S117 funding for a long time - a distraction at the time I guess - but I don't want to get in that mindset again. But yes mums story should be shared. Thanks again x

 

[Alberta23]

Yes, I too feel sharing your experiences is a good idea. I also think its healthy to write down what bothers you. Then you can decide what you feel may help to address those worries. Writing things down can also stop you worrying you may forget things. So write as much or as little as you need.
I find gaining clarity on themes helped me with my mum's situation. It stopped me getting into a total muddle. Helped me focus and prioritise things.
I wrote everything that bothered me with Mums care, then shared it with relevant services...GP, CQC, Healthwatch UK. Not everywhere is good. People are people. Things go wrong.

But being pro active has helped me to know I am hopefully helping other families and their loved ones, by highlighting areas that need changing. The worst we can do is ignore concerns and believe bad situations were good. Then nothing changes.

Its fine to feel hurt. Thats normal and it shows you care.

It doesnt take away the pain completely, but it does gain some closure over time. So the numbness/anger is easier to cope with. Then ive found more positive memories have been easier to find.

I chat to mum often, look through photos, read articles she kept for interest. Shes in my heart. We all heal in different ways. There is no right or wrong answer. We all need to find what helps us personally.

Your mum knows you cared and wanted the best for her. Take comfort in that.

 

[GillP]

@Big Yellow Taxi , I can only imagine the difficult thought processes you and your family went through. Heartbreaking times. I hope things will ease.