Hi, I'm new to the group. My mother in law has vascular dementia and is now in a nursing home. We just visited and we sit with her she doesn't know us really and keeps saying she wants to go home but doesn't know where home is. We tell her this isn't home but it's where you have to live to be cared for. She doesn't respond to our conversations we struggle to make conversation with her now because she doesn't respond. We talk about old holidays and good times but rarely get any response. We feel it's not worth visiting anymore as she just gets upset because we can't take her home. Sorry long first post. She has been in care 2 years nearly and this dementia happened over night due to strokes. So difficult for everyone involved.
Stressful visits
- Thread starter Twixy
- Start date
That sounds stressful for you and your mother in law. I remember my dad saying that every time he visited his mum she told him that she wanted to go home.
I also struggle sometimes with conversation with my mother in law, who is possibly in the very early stages of dementia. Sometimes she seems very present and we can have interaction and a two way conversation and other times she repeats herself over and over and doesn't listen to anything I say.
But I think that whatever we say or don't say, it brings pleasure to my mother in law to have a visitor.
I also struggle sometimes with conversation with my mother in law, who is possibly in the very early stages of dementia. Sometimes she seems very present and we can have interaction and a two way conversation and other times she repeats herself over and over and doesn't listen to anything I say.
But I think that whatever we say or don't say, it brings pleasure to my mother in law to have a visitor.
Hello @Twixy and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I hope that you will find the forum a friendly and helpful place.
It can be so difficult visiting loved ones when they are in care homes especially if they keep asking to go home. Rather than say that they cannot go home some of our members would use ‘love lies’. For example, you cannot go home today as the house needs work done, anything that would keep the person happy.
It’s good that you talk about old holidays and old days, even though you don’t get a response your MIL possible knows what you are saying. Some of our members also play their loved ones favourite music.
I hope that this helps you a little.
It can be so difficult visiting loved ones when they are in care homes especially if they keep asking to go home. Rather than say that they cannot go home some of our members would use ‘love lies’. For example, you cannot go home today as the house needs work done, anything that would keep the person happy.
It’s good that you talk about old holidays and old days, even though you don’t get a response your MIL possible knows what you are saying. Some of our members also play their loved ones favourite music.
I hope that this helps you a little.
Hi @Twixy
I used to play some of mums favourite music to mum. I also used to read to her. I read bits from books she knew from her childhood - Winnie the Pooh, Alice in Wonderland and the Wind in the Willows. I also found a book of poetry - a Golden Treasury of Verse - and I discovered that she could still recite some of the poems when I read them out, so we said them together.
I used to play some of mums favourite music to mum. I also used to read to her. I read bits from books she knew from her childhood - Winnie the Pooh, Alice in Wonderland and the Wind in the Willows. I also found a book of poetry - a Golden Treasury of Verse - and I discovered that she could still recite some of the poems when I read them out, so we said them together.
That’s really hard if she gets distressed when you visit 😢😢 Blame her being there on the ‘doctor’s’ and that u will take her home as soon as you can!
I think the whole idea of ’visiting’ is stressful as that suggests conversation or activity which is often beyond the person with dementia. Could you go and meal times and help her, or sit and eat with her? Something normal…..or just sit and watch TV together or listen to music as others have suggested.
im sat here now at mum’s care home ….we have the TV on, she is watching and I am doing my own thing. We’re ‘together’ but without that expectation that we talk or play games and things she can’t do….
I think the whole idea of ’visiting’ is stressful as that suggests conversation or activity which is often beyond the person with dementia. Could you go and meal times and help her, or sit and eat with her? Something normal…..or just sit and watch TV together or listen to music as others have suggested.
im sat here now at mum’s care home ….we have the TV on, she is watching and I am doing my own thing. We’re ‘together’ but without that expectation that we talk or play games and things she can’t do….
Mum has been in a nursing home almost a year and I find visiting more stressful every time I go which is currently four times a week. Sometimes she’s in bed asleep, sometimes in her chair. She used to go to the lounge but now won’t. There’s no conversation and i sometimes think I shouldn’t go as often but if I don’t go there is no visitor, I have a sister but she only visits about once a month.
It is very hard at times @Josee. Would it help if you reduced your visits down a little, say two or three times a week.
Visits don't need to be conversational if there is no conversation. They can be seen as companionship and most importantly, to check the standard of care is what you would want.
Just sitting quietly by someone unable to follow a conversation can be comforting just by your presence.
Just sitting quietly by someone unable to follow a conversation can be comforting just by your presence.
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