Sibling making care impossible

[fortune]

Mum has vascular and Alzheimer's, I live next door and am her carer. My sister has long-standing drug problems, is desperately short of money and has (in my opinion) mental health issues. 4-5 days a week she is in mum's house, ranting at mum about money, uses her shower, washing machine, phone etc, often sleeps in mum's bed, takes drugs in the house, invites awful people in, steals from mum's purse. Mum's eating/sleeping/activity routines are completely disrupted, she gets exhausted, depressed, angry and confused.
I have PoA for finance but there is no PoA for personal welfare. Sister is exceptionally hostile to me - has instigated investigations of me from social services, public guardian, GP, all of which have said I am doing pretty well under difficult circumstances. Mum really struggling with the situation but will not complain to anyone except me about what going on - anyone else she just clams up. Police, social services etc will not take any action unless mum makes a complaint. It seems that what I report is not valid to them so I've given up bothering.
Now after two years of constant battling with sister am at the end of my tether. I can't go on trying to care under these conditions.
Not expecting any solutions! Just wondering if anyone else has these kinds of problems with siblings or other relatives.

 

[LYN T]

Have you tried Adult Safeguarding in your area.? Your Mum is vulnerable and should not be around such chaos. Phone them and tell them exactly what is going on. Keep a diary (as far as you can) of visits/incidents etc.

Have you tried installing hidden cameras? Recording equipment?

My sympathy to you-Dementia is bad enough without all the other stuff going on.

Take care

Lyn T XX

 

[fortune]

Yes, I've had several meeting with adult care. They are sympathetic but basically have refused to take any action beyond advising sister - she is very devious, nods and smiles then just carries on regardless once they have gone. I kept detailed diary for about a year, but it just doesn't seem to carry any weight with them. It's as if my knowledge of the situation is not accepted. Mum will not lodge any complaint - partly because she feels she mustn't get sister into trouble, partly because she's scared of what her reaction will be. Sister does a lot of shouting and gets very angry, mostly about money but also that mum made me attorney and not her. The attorneyship was settled years ago, soon after mum was first diagnosed.
I've thought about cameras etc but wonder if that would constitute acceptable evidence. Also, adult care have seen some of what goes on and didn't take any action. I read so much about emotional abuse of elderly people etc but it seems to come down to the person has to make the complaint themselves. This is ridiculous when talking about people with dementia.
I am in such a dilemma - I really feel I can't keep going in this situation (my children and partner are affected by the horrid atmosphere as well), but if I up and leave then lots of things will go wrong for mum.

 

[halojones]

Hello fortune

I am sorry that you are having such a terrible time in caring for your mum. I moved in with my mum to protect her from my 2sisters, although they were not living with mum, but they were drinking around her and one in particular was shouting and swearing at mum...Also I we had a useless social worker who was not interested in mums welfare..So I sacked her, gave my valid reasons and now we have a new s.w. who has listened to my concerns and is happy to act in mums best interests, which means limited visits with said sisters...Your situation is really difficult, and of course your sister is on drugs, that why she is so angry at not having access to your mums money and you having the poa...I nearly put up hidden cameras but I didn't need to in the end...The only way you will get your sister out is if you have the evidence, and the only way to get that is by hidden cameras...No one, the police,the s.s. absolutely no one will confront your sister or help with this abuse, and it is abuse and its really bad for your mum...my mum was living in utter squalor and my sisters robbing her and all I got told was that it was my mums choice,...! ?? I just said to the useless policeman the other day about the domestic violence poster, how many old people are helped??None,not without filmed evidence..At least with the proof then get a good social worker, get your sister out, get an injunction,get legal advice. I find the best people to help in this situation are ones with empathy, ones who protect their own mum...Would it not be an option to move your mum in with you and sell her house?? You really have got a problem with a drug addict, she is totally dependant on your mum and will not give up without a fight.. I really feel for you....

 

[halojones]

This is what I would do

Okay fortune, this is what I would do...First, put in hidden cameras or listening device,camera would be better....Don't tell anyone until you have plenty of evidence...I would ask for a senior social w from the adult safeguarding team...I would also get legal advice(I saw a solicitor at the carers centre and she was great)...Anyone you deal with, make sure that they wouldn't like their mum being treated this way, you need people to be completely on your side and understanding..Your aim is to get your sister out, and you will need an injunction against her once you have showed the abuse to the safeguarding team,police,courts...Its amazing how the rotten ones just affect everyone and spread their nastiness ...Hopefully you can get more advice on here....Best wishes

 

[fortune]

Halojones, thanks so much for posting. Just knowing I'm not the only one to have to deal with this kind of issue is a help in itself. All the carer's info and support is about relieving stress and having a break and making sure you look after yourself blah blah blah...and it all feels a million miles away from the stuff I am trying to deal with. I need actual help, actual action. Think I'll look again at filming, or maybe just ask the social worker what evidence she would need before she actually did anything.

 

[AlsoConfused]

if your Mum only has old (pre Euro) foreign money in her purse would that discourage at least some of the visits from your sister? Your Mum doesn't actually need to go shopping does she? Would she accept that you and she always go together when she wants to buy something?

I don't know how hard you're willing to be so this next suggestion may not be something you'd ever dream of doing ...

If your sister's inviting drug dealers or drug takers into your Mum's home, they may well already be on the radar of the local police. Could you discreetly photograph the cars and people going into your Mum's house, slanting your photos to show the location? I think then you could go to the police confidentially and say to the community police constable "I'm worried about these people; my Mum's vulnerable and I think she's at risk around them; am I right to be worried?". Your sister and her friends might vamoose if the police started taking an interest in the house and its visitors.

 

[halojones]

hi fortune

I want to tell you my experience about the abuse of an elderly person. I found out very quickly that ,although there is a lot of information and organisations supposed to help us,actually most of them are powerless,, and I think I am not the only person who feels that some of these are more about people having jobs than actually being of any help to us.?..Also I know exactly the mindset and behaviour of a drug addict and I know the terrible impact they can have in ones life, and how vulnerable a person is who has dementia..My 2 sisters were behaving so badly towards my mum that I actually moved in with her, at least that put a stop to them!!But you won't get rid of a drug addict so easy,(my mum wouldn't ever say she was upset or my sisters were bad..its quite frustrating,but its how she is)One good aspect for you is that your sis doesn't actually live with your mum...I can't emphasise enough to just do the filming,don't tell the s.w., ..get the evidence FIRST.!!! then go to the top of the safeguarding team,complain all the way to everyone!!!If you tell them your plan about filming you may get a ridiculous answer that you are not allowed,it is against your mums human rights!!HONESTLY!!! I feel that the authorities are overwhelmed, and really can't and don't want to deal with really difficult cases,it makes a lot of extra work for them,so they quote the ridiculous mental capacity act!!You have a fight on your hands, but one you can win, the only thing that will work with your sister is the police, and you all need injunctions.,that is the one thing that drug addicts hate, the police on their case...I hope I am helping and let me know how you get on...Remember that it is all about your mums BEST INTERESTS!!! Best wishes x

 

[Linbrusco]

Wow. I'm so taken aback that none of the authorities listen let alone act.
Take any opportunity to tape record your Mum or sister for that matter.
If your Mum wont complain directly other than to you would this work?

I don't have a sibling quite the same but my brother takes advantage of Mum financially and emotionally.
He has already taken her credit card and asked for her PIN to supposedly withdraw GBP500 which she agreed to, but because she cannot read credit card bills, he had withdrawn GBP2500.
I discovered all this when Mum was about to go into hospital, and he has been paying it back since
The card has been cancelled of course.
He also has Mum wrapped around his little finger. She thinks he can do no wrong.
Mum forgets about how much money her and Dad gave him when his marriage broke up.
Was meant to be on lawyers bills, but my sister & I found out he had gambled most of it.

He makes no allowances for Mum & Dads age or Mums Alzheimers, and if Mum agrees to anything, that's it as far as he's concerned.
The other week he said that he did not have to discuss anything with my sister & I as far as Mum & Dad. We said he did as we are there POA, so anything concerning them concerns us.

 

[halojones]

No Action

Hi Linbrusco, as you can probably guess the stories about nasty siblings really hits a nerve with me. I know you have replied to me before... And well done to you for keeping your sneaky gambling brother in check or trust me you would have found your mums bank account emptied... My 2 sisters went on spending spreas(before I was on the scene) I would never have believed it from one of them as she is well off, ??I really was truly shocked!! Anyway I tried to get justice, but found out to my disgust that no one will make my sisters accountable and return mums money.. It is classed as a low level crime, it would cost the authorities a lot of money to go to court and the courts do not order the money to be repaid.. So all the information you read, all the helplines and organisations are powerless and ineffective...It is really upsetting..Because mum doesn't have much savings left then we cannot afford a car ,so it makes it difficult to go out to nice parks and days out,we can only stay local and it gets boring, very groundhog day...anyway thanks for your understanding...x