She wants me to write her daily diary

[Agzy]

it has been four years since diagnosis and Doneprisl was prescribed which seems to be working well, although decline is evident, especially her short term memory loss. Over the weekend she surprised me by asking me to buy a big diary (desk diary?) and to write down the general things she does every day no matter what as she quite often cant recall the happenings of the previous day.
Obviously I will do as she asks but has anyone any experience of doing this or has advice as to whether it should be brutally honest or should I censor it to what I think she would want to recall?
I have my own ‘diary’ recording everything we have been through since it all started but it would distress her to know how it has affected me as well as herself so will never show it to her.

 

[Bunpoots]

I think a censored version would be safer. If I’d presented my dad with the truth of his daily activities he would have got cross and called me a liar...after all - there was nothing wrong with him and he would never do those things

 

[maryjoan]

I think a censored version would be safer. If I’d presented my dad with the truth of his daily activities he would have got cross and called me a liar...after all - there was nothing wrong with him and he would never do those things

I agree - my OH will admit he has dementia - because the Drs have told him, but he always says " I cannot see that it affects me in any way" - I wish!!!

 

[jaymor]

I would just record the general happenings of the day. Put in the pleasant things, leave out the not so pleasant things. Reading good things hopefully will give her a lift and counteract any negative feelings she has re not remembering.

 

[Izzy]

I agree with the others. I think a 'softer' version would be kinder. Perhaps just reminding her of the main things you and she did together rather than the nitty gritty.

 

[Grahamstown]

it has been four years since diagnosis and Doneprisl was prescribed which seems to be working well, although decline is evident, especially her short term memory loss. Over the weekend she surprised me by asking me to buy a big diary (desk diary?) and to write down the general things she does every day no matter what as she quite often cant recall the happenings of the previous day.
Obviously I will do as she asks but has anyone any experience of doing this or has advice as to whether it should be brutally honest or should I censor it to what I think she would want to recall?
I have my own ‘diary’ recording everything we have been through since it all started but it would distress her to know how it has affected me as well as herself so will never show it to her.

My husband kept a journal describing lots of things in work and out for 34 years but I noticed that he did it less and less and I gradually realised that it was due to the disease affecting his memory. He used to ask me what we had done to write up. I was never very keen because it would have been my diary not his, although I mentioned anything particular about the day. He accepted that and the diary still sits next to his chair but he never writes in it now and never asks me to do it. So what to do about this new request? If it were me, I would write down the daily activities sitting side by side, without being ‘brutally honest’ accepting that it is your diary written on her behalf, a kind of joint enterprise. I think I would add a few embellishments such as enjoying the sunshine or something pleasant.

I have recently had to fill an About Me booklet with him with many topics about memories from the past included, and his inability to give this information spontaneously was sobering because it’s not something you do much yourself but I feel that it is just there in my head for me to give the answer. We sat side by side and I tried it a bit at a time, when he was fresh, but I had to give him a lot of prompting and even then he denied remembering certain aspects of his life which I thought very important. I was in the same dilemma, should I just fill it in or let the document stand as his with my help? It is now a combination of the two, because anyone who looks at it needs to know what his memory is like. Some of the things he could answer were startling because he just came out with it and was quite unexpected such as what made him sad and what made him happy. Those might be good questions to ask her for her diary even though a diary is a bit different but the principle is the same.

I have been writing my thoughts on TP to try and keep track of the times we live through. It is sobering when I try to think how things were a year ago and find that it was much the same, more difficult because he had more independence which could cause problems, but now it has just got worse without much independence at all.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I think it's just about going through the motions. It could make a nice activity - perhaps you could sit down together in the early evening and say, 'Right, let's do the diary for today. We went to XXX for coffee and saw A and B at the shops. Shall I put that in? Did you like that new cake you tried today?'

But not much point in recording that she thought A's rucksack was a dog or that she put 7 sugars in her coffee because 'everyone does that', etc. (Sorry - I don't know your lady wife - these are the sort of things I get with my mum.)

As you say, you already keep your own journal. If it's anything like mine, kept for the last 2 and a half years, there will be a lot of entries that start, 'I can't believe what she did/said today...!' So her diary doesn't need to serve any 'useful' purpose. Will she ever look back and read it, or do you think the act of filling it is is the important thing for her?

I suspect the activity will be enjoyed for a short while then she'll grow bored with it and move onto something else, so you may want to get a cheap diary rather than an expensive fancy one that ends up with the first 3 pages filled and the rest left blank!

Looked at another way, it's very poignant that she wants to keep a diary to preserve her memories...

 

[Agzy]

I would just record the general happenings of the day. Put in the pleasant things, leave out the not so pleasant things. Reading good things hopefully will give her a lift and counteract any negative feelings she has re not remembering.

This is what we have now agreed to @jaymor and just basic memory joggers to see how it goes, thank you .