Settling in care home

[Jojosbakes]

Hi , our mum has Alzheimer’s and has lived on her own independently for over 30 years ,

We have tried everything to keep her at home and as her daughters she would not let us be her carers without getting very nasty , but her capacity has now gone and still in total denial she is ill .

It all came to a head last week when she became unsafe in her home .
After a short stay in hospital we have moved her into a lovely dementia care home .
This has really distressed mum to the point she is sleeping in her chair and planning her escape to route as she just wants to go to her house

We are so worried , can anyone help us on what to say to her or do to make her settle as we have to sell her house asap to pay the care home fees ?
Do we stay away or keep visiting ? 💔

 

[SkyeD]

Hi @Jojosbakes , so sorry to hear about your mum. Moving into a care home is such a big thing and it generally takes a while for people to settle. Many people also want to go home, and sometimes the home that they're referring to might be their childhood home rather than the last place where they lived. Just remember that it was the right thing to do because your mum is now safe and has 24/7 care.

So far as visiting is concerned, only you can decide that. When my mum went into a home following a fall, it took a couple of months for her to settle and she was forever begging me to take her home - but she was referring to her childhood house, where, in my mum's head, her parents and grandparents were still living. I must admit that it broke my heart to see her that way.

I took her clothes into the care home on the day that she moved in and then I didn't visit for a week. The staff suggested not visiting for that time in order for them to settle her in. From then on, I aimed to visit weekly - sometimes it was a fortnight before I went, just to give myself some time to deal with how I was feeling. I did ring the care home daily for the first month or so - for my own peace of mind as much as anything. They always told me that she was fine, which I totally believed.

Perhaps you could tell your mum a little 'love lie' such as the doctors have said that she has to stay until she's better. I'm sure that other members will be along shortly to offer their ideas. Whatever you decide, please remember that everybody is unique and different - what works for some doesn't necessarily work for others, and there's rarely a right way or a wrong way.

Take care
S x

 

[Sarahjdh]

Hi, this is exactly where dad and I are at, having moved mum in just on Thursday. We visited briefly today, and both arrived and left separately, leaving to get a cup of tea, ask staff a question about clothing. It feels awful to leave like this but she had been adamant she was coming with us, when dad told her he was taking me to the station.

My feeling is the staff know how to manage the PWD in these circumstances and that settling will take time, and I have to choose to trust them. Our care home has said that they are there now to look after the family as much as the resident which is very reassuring.

Dad and/or I could take mum out but then each time we'd go through the distress of her having to go back to the home. Does anyone have experience of taking the resident out and over time them accepting that's where they go back?

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

Dad and/or I could take mum out but then each time we'd go through the distress of her having to go back to the home. Does anyone have experience of taking the resident out and over time them accepting that's where they go back?

I used to take Mum out regularly but picked my route carefully to avoid her most familiar roads. We never went far from the home so that if I ran into difficulty, I could call them for help. The return trip was always planned so that we arrived back just before lunchtime. It worked very well.

 

[Jojosbakes]

Hi @Jojosbakes , so sorry to hear about your mum. Moving into a care home is such a big thing and it generally takes a while for people to settle. Many people also want to go home, and sometimes the home that they're referring to might be their childhood home rather than the last place where they lived. Just remember that it was the right thing to do because your mum is now safe and has 24/7 care.

So far as visiting is concerned, only you can decide that. When my mum went into a home following a fall, it took a couple of months for her to settle and she was forever begging me to take her home - but she was referring to her childhood house, where, in my mum's head, her parents and grandparents were still living. I must admit that it broke my heart to see her that way.

I took her clothes into the care home on the day that she moved in and then I didn't visit for a week. The staff suggested not visiting for that time in order for them to settle her in. From then on, I aimed to visit weekly - sometimes it was a fortnight before I went, just to give myself some time to deal with how I was feeling. I did ring the care home daily for the first month or so - for my own peace of mind as much as anything. They always told me that she was fine, which I totally believed.

Perhaps you could tell your mum a little 'love lie' such as the doctors have said that she has to stay until she's better. I'm sure that other members will be along shortly to offer their ideas. Whatever you decide, please remember that everybody is unique and different - what works for some doesn't necessarily work for others, and there's rarely a right way or a wrong way.

Take care
S x

Thank you so much xx

 

[McSuffolk]

@Jojosbakes your story is so similar to that of my mum’s so I hope that things will settle for you soon.
My mum was moved into care and made many attempts to leave in the first 4 months but settled to a reasonable degree after that. Sundowning still contributes to her feelings of being trapped /anger at not being able to leave when she wants but she has no capacity and doesn’t appear to have any insight into her issues with Alzheimer’.
I continue to take her out each weekend, for coffee and cake somewhere different each time but time every visit so that we arrive back in time for lunch and I leave as they are serving. She always exhibits a look of curiosity when I pull into the car park space at the front of the care home bungalow and sometimes asks what we are doing there? I’ve adopted the assertive behaviour of a parent and she has not put up any resistance so far, but just follows me to the door and goes in without issue.
We are coming up to the one year mark now but in those first four or 5 months I used to think she would never settle but it did happen eventually, as the others on this forum had suggested would be the case.