Safety for carer from aggressive episodes

[fidgetgirl]

Hi there, I'm new to this forum but it looks fantastic.
My concern is for my Mum, who is carer to my Dad - he has Altzheimers. Dad has been getting increasingly aggressive towards Mum, usually late afternoon / early evening when he is sundowning. He is physically big and strong and I worry about her. He has grabbed her and dragged her along, he has threatened her with violence such as saying he's going to throttle her. He pushed her in to a wall etc.
The plan was to keep him at home and Mum has a live in carer who helps her. Dad is not aggressive towards the carer, just my Mum. It is a brief 'flash' of anger, not every day, lasts 20 minutes or so and then he returns to normal and has no recollection of it.
Does anyone have experience of this or advice on how to make sure Mum is safe? We don't feel ready to put him in a home, but I have to make sure that my Mum is okay and safe. Any advice greatly appreciated, thank you.

 

[Bunpoots]

Your mums at risk from your dad's behaviour during these episodes so she needs a bolt hole, a room she can lock herself in where he cannot get at her. Does she still share a bedroom with him? Would it be possible for her to have her own room now.

I had a friend who's mum was seriously hurt by her dad and no-one know why he did what he did or could have predicted his actions. He was a lovely man and this is a horrible disease. Your mums safety is vital. I know there are others here who have experienced violence towards themselves and can give you more advice and support.

 

[fidgetgirl]

Thank you Bunpoots. Mum has her own room now but the violent episodes tend to occur when he is trying to leave the house and she is trying to stop him, or similar. I will speak to her and emphasise she needs to stay safe and retreat to her room if he gets aggressive. Thank you.

 

[Shedrech]

hello fidgetgirl
and welcome to TP
sadly what you describe is not uncommon - it's often those closest that the person with dementia (PWD) strikes out at emotionally, with words and sometimes physically
as Bunpoots says, your mum needs a room she can escape to, which has a lock and access to a phone - if your dad becomes as aggressive as you describe, she need not fear calling the police as they are generally extremely helpful in these situations and can themselves make referrals for more support
from the time of day you mention, it sounds as though your dad is 'sundowning' - maybe check out the main AS site's factsheets (see button above to AS resources)
if there's a pattern to your dad's behaviour, maybe your mum needs to absent herself around those times/when she sees he is building up to blowing and leave your dad to the live-in carer, as you say he's not aggressive with the carer - it may be that just her presence escalates his behaviour through no fault of her own, these things just are what they are
if your dad is trying to leave the house, might the carer take him for a walk, then distract him with a cuppa when they get back? - or maybe the carer just needs to follow him to be sure he's safe and pick a moment to just wander up to him and say 'fancy meeting you here, I was just going to pop in for a cuppa, shall we walk together' and steer him back home (maybe not to be met by your mum, just leave the carer to settle him and your mum can appear when he's calm, with a big smile on her face and a treat?) - or distract him by saying they'll go out later/tomorrow when its' cooler/drier .. and how about listening to that music you like with a cuppa and biscuit' - nothing always works but is worth a try
is your dad's GP and/or consultant aware of this behaviour? - please do keep them up to date as there may be meds which will help your dad stay more settled (and, no, I don't mean zonk him out, the meds will just mellow him) as it's not good for your dad to be so worked up, as well as being unsafe for your mum - might be worth checking for a UTI too, just in case
you say that you don't want to consider a move to a care home yet - maybe it is time to do some homework so that should there come a crisis, you have some ideas of which homes would suit your dad - so maybe go visit a few in the locality and if you find some you like have his name put on the waiting list, as you don't have to take the placement if it's not the right time
have you got Powers of Attorney in place as these will give your dad's Attorneys the authority to manage his affairs should that become necessary - please don't think that just because your mum is his wife she has the legal authority to take over his managing his financial and welfare affairs, it's not that simple
have you applied for Attendance Allowance, as this can help with funding any care fees
TP is a fantastic community, so now you've found the forum, keep posting with anything that's on your mind
best wishes
PS there are trackers available, ask your Local Authority Adult Services about telecare services
in fact, has your dad had the LA Adult Services assess his care needs, and has your mum had a carer's assessment - maybe some time at a day care centre and some respite might help your mum, giving her some time to herself
to chat so an actual person, do call the AS helpline as the operators have bags of useful knowledge to share, it may help your mum to talk, too

0300 222 1122 or by email at helpline@alzheimers.org.uk.
•Helpline opening hours:
•Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
•Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
•Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm