Respite Care-to visit or not?

[Goingitalone]

Hi there and thanks for your help with a problem which is really worrying me.
Mom, 86, has had dementia for a while now but is still in the earlier stages. She lives with my brother who has schizophrenia. My daughter and I support them both by cooking and freezing meals, helping Mom wash & dress, checking her blood (she's diabetic) and one of us sees her daily to chat, operate the tv etc for her as she can no longer do these things herself.
We have just involved Social Services again as Mom hasn't been happy to have strangers in the house previously so we are hoping for a personal budget to get in some consistent carers she will know.
My daughter and I will be on holiday together (so we can enjoy the grandchildren together) soon and the social worker is arranging a week's stay in a care home for Mom so we can all have a break.
Now, my problem is that she has strongly advised that no-one visits Mom while she is in respite. My brother would want to visit, she has cared for him for years and when she had a stay in hospital it was impossible to stop him visiting several times a day! However, since the s/w was so adamant he has promised not to visit at all. My sister and brother seem to agree that 'no visitors' is in Mom's best interests.
As the one who sees her the most I can't agree. I feel Mom will think we've abandoned her and I can't see her ever agreeing to respite again. I understand that she will probably plead to come home during visits and I feel for my siblings in having to deal with that. But my gut feeling is that 'no visitors' is not in Mom's best interests or my schizophrenic brother's interests either.
Please could someone advise because I feel I can't go away and leave her without the peace of mind that she will be ok. And there will be disappointment to my grandchildren if I don't go. This problem is keeping me awake at nights.
Thanks, Maggie

 

[Linda Mc]

When my husband goes for respite a family member visits him each day I wouldn't feel happy otherwise.

They are able to reassure him I will be back and that it is only a short time until I return.

I resist the urge to ring the CH which is very hard. My eldest daughter insists she is the first point of contact if there is a problem and she will decide if I am to be informed.

This is what works for my family but only you know what is best for your Mum.

I do hope you enjoy your break

 

[Goingitalone]

Thank you, Linda. You have reassured me that my instinct that Mom should see someone is right. Gut feelings are rarely wrong-we know our relative better than the social worker would. But they have the experience and that's what was making me uncertain.
I like the idea that your daughter protects you from that contact so that you get a proper rest and I feel that my other children and my siblings could do this for my brother with the schizophrenia.
Thanks for helping me so promptly. This was really worrying me but I feel better already.
God bless,

Maggie

 

[Bristolbelle]

a hard choice....

and one which you may have to make by experimenting with both options and then finding out whcih works best for you all.

The first time Mum went inot respite I visited and she became very emotional when I left and did not understand why she could not come home. The next time I phoned daily and asked wht she was doing etc, but did not speak with her. She was settled and involved in all the activities. Now my aunt always tries to visit her, and Mum has started to associate my aunt with a "nice lady that takes people out" rather than realising it's her sister. I have also arranged for her to go to one of her normal day cay centres form the respite home so she has trips out and some continuity of her normal routine.
Now I try not to phone or visit myself, I know they take good care of her and they will call me if they have any concerns.

I hope you find the right answer for you all.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Maggie

I did not visit my husband when he went into respite. It was a selfish action on my part as I knew I wouldn`t be strong enough emotionally if he pleaded to come home.

What immediately struck me about your post was your brother`s schizophrenia. Will he be strong enough emotionally if your mother is upset and wants to go home.

 

[Goingitalone]

Thanks for the input. GrannieG, I can see what you mean about my brother. It wouldn't be much rest for him if he had to deal with Mom's pleadings to come home. I have a sister and another brother who could visit and are strong enough, but because the s/w has said 'no visitors' it has given them the opportunity to back off. Neither has been very consistent in the past about visiting Mom and now probably won't bother too much about making a special effort to see her during her respite.
You all seem to suggest that someone visits, though, so I think I will ask my other 3 children to pop in and possibly my nieces and nephew (even though that might upset my sis, who was present at the s/w visit). I also have a couple of friends I could ask. I just can't let her think she's abandoned.
If she was further along with the dementia I don't think I would feel so bad. She was only diagnosed in November and although her memory is awful and she confabulates a great deal, she is still quite aware and can have quite lucid days. I don't want to store up problems for the future by making this first respite a horrible experience for her.

I'm dreading it.

Thanks again for all your help. It's getting into perspective a little now.

Maggie