Hi, my dad (76) has been recently diagnosed with Alzhimers and still has a driving license and a small element of independence. Part of his daily routine for years has been to drive to the local shop and buy a paper in the morning. Throughout the first lockdown we found it impossible to explain that he isn't allowed to do this, and just let it happen as it wasn't worth the amount of hassle it caused to argue. Now that covid is so much more infectious, and both my dad and mum are relatively high risk, he still won't accept that he can't go out. He's said he will look online, but doesnt and just carries on as normal. If we tell him its the law to only leave for essential reasons we get accused of making it up. Does anybody have any advice for this?
Refuses to accept/believe rules around covid
- Thread starter ZoeW28
- Start date
yeah, my mum “lost” her car keys. but she had lost confidence driving the car so it wasn’t a big deal. i’d be paying for paper delivery. say that because of the virus it’s a free service to reduce spread etc....
lying and manipulation and avoiding the truth seem wrong, but are safer when you know YOU are now the parent and they need your good judgement to protect them. just as you needed theirs when you were a child.
maybe the car will break down? the battery might go flat? the car key battery might die... these are all things that really have happened to me in the last year.
lying and manipulation and avoiding the truth seem wrong, but are safer when you know YOU are now the parent and they need your good judgement to protect them. just as you needed theirs when you were a child.
maybe the car will break down? the battery might go flat? the car key battery might die... these are all things that really have happened to me in the last year.
WE were saying only the other day, My llate mother rarely went out, but tell her she'd GOT to stay in, would have seen her up the road in the blink of an eye
Thanks for all the responses.
The social distancing has been impossible! No matter how many times hes told you have to stay 2m, he accepts when told and then forgets immediately. Problem being that he struggles to hear, but is currently unwilling to accept any assistance with that, so unless he stands right next to someone he cant hear.
The issue I have is that hes still of sound enough mind to know that we haven't 'lost' the car keys or that the cars broken down. Im looking into arranging a paper delivery, but we are fairly rural unfortunately which is making it challenging. My fear is that even if we got a paper delivered, he would find some other reason to leave. Just hoping he can have his driving reasssessment soon and that will put some perspective and limits to it.
The social distancing has been impossible! No matter how many times hes told you have to stay 2m, he accepts when told and then forgets immediately. Problem being that he struggles to hear, but is currently unwilling to accept any assistance with that, so unless he stands right next to someone he cant hear.
The issue I have is that hes still of sound enough mind to know that we haven't 'lost' the car keys or that the cars broken down. Im looking into arranging a paper delivery, but we are fairly rural unfortunately which is making it challenging. My fear is that even if we got a paper delivered, he would find some other reason to leave. Just hoping he can have his driving reasssessment soon and that will put some perspective and limits to it.
I realise that this isn't very constructive, but sometimes with dementia you just have to accept that nothing you do will get a PWD to understand. You are employing logic and reason (I still do it, useless tho' it is) with a person who simply doesn't get it. You can repeat and repeat and repeat, until you think that they must have grasped it, and then you are right back where you started. It's not a failure on your part, it's simply how it is.
This might helpa little @ZoeW28
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
@ZoeW28 hmmm... when my mum was at the stage that she wasn’t yet losing things there was no covid.
but yes i can see that social distancing is impossible. we tried to get her to wear masks but generally i found other people did the right thing rather than expect her to do the right thing.
you could go into town and talk to the people that sell him the paper and see what they say about him, that might give you some peace of mind. it took a village to look after my mum for awhile because she wasn’t bad enough to see that she was ill yet. everyone around her had to “figure it out” and do the right thing.... it always amazes me the kindness strangers have shown my mum, she must have the best karma ever!
but yes i can see that social distancing is impossible. we tried to get her to wear masks but generally i found other people did the right thing rather than expect her to do the right thing.
you could go into town and talk to the people that sell him the paper and see what they say about him, that might give you some peace of mind. it took a village to look after my mum for awhile because she wasn’t bad enough to see that she was ill yet. everyone around her had to “figure it out” and do the right thing.... it always amazes me the kindness strangers have shown my mum, she must have the best karma ever!
Hi @ZoeW28 , is it just coronavirus restrictions that worry you or are you worried about your dads ability as a driver. If you have any concerns at all about his driving ability it is a legal requirement to notify the DVLA on view of his diagnosis . The DVLA will send your dad a form to fill in and return. My MIL got this form and she was not able to fill it in herself, she asked me to fill it in for her. I was brutally honest with the replies and her license was removed. She was still well enough to know she couldn't drive without a license so our particular problem was solved. If the DVLA do not have a response within a certain number of weeks they will remove his license anyway as the inability to complete the form has implications re his competence.
I am afraid he is right, in strictly legal terms. One of the exemptions to the stay-home regulations is to visit a business that is allowed to be open. Newsagents are permitted to be open. It is on schedule 3a, paragraph 2, "to buy goods or obtain services from any business or service listed in [F3paragraph 17". So going to a newsagents to buy a paper isn't breaking the law. Of course it is possibly unwise, that's a different matter.
If he is not able to practice social distancing, maybe you can try and persuade him that he is putting both of you at risk?
Hi, he has sent off the form after a bit of persuasion, and we are just waiting to hear back from the DVLA. I am hopeful that losing his license will be enough to stop him, but he does tend to be pretty lax on rules if they don't suit him. Thanks for the response
Its a total fluke that he is right, he would never have actually known this, but thanks for the clarification. I understand that it probably isn't the worst thing for him to go get his paper, its more an example of trying to get him to understand the risk. He takes the view that he doesn't care if he gets covid, but can't seem to get his head around the fact that hes then putting my mum and I at risk too. Almost everyday he comes back and says that he got told off for not wearing his mask, so its becoming very difficult to feel comfortable letting him go. I guess for now we probably can't do a whole lot, asking him not to go results in aggression and that just isn't worth the hassle. Thanks
I had all this with my father during the first lockdown and after. Going to get a paper was largely an excuse to get in the car and get out of the house. Understandable but unwise at his great age. It is really all about clinging to independence for as long as possible and driving is independence. Nobody wants to give up independence but with dementia the person seems blind to the other side of the coin, that driving poses a risk to others as well as themselves.
My father continues to be delusional about his diagnosis and about driving. He keeps saying he needs to get another car despite his driving license having been revoked. ( I sold his car against his wishes, another long story). He has blanked out all the facts that he doesn't like, the diagnosis, the revokation of his licence, the refusal of the DVLA to reconsider, the two consultations with his GP who declined to say that of course he was fit to drive and that the diagnosis was wrong. In his mind he is a great driver and there is little or nothing wrong with his brain.
My father also has been difficult about social distancing and doesn't wear masks properly.
It looks very much as if this is something that will not go away. What will happen now iis that the DVLA will ask your GP for a report and I am pretty sure they will rely heavily on what the GP says. Now might be the time to ensure that the GP has all the facts. His licence might be revoked or a time limit might be applied to it.
I would worry more about the driving than the newsagent visits, catching covid in a very swift transaction like buying a newspaper isn't really at all likely but diminished driving ability has far more serious implications.
My father continues to be delusional about his diagnosis and about driving. He keeps saying he needs to get another car despite his driving license having been revoked. ( I sold his car against his wishes, another long story). He has blanked out all the facts that he doesn't like, the diagnosis, the revokation of his licence, the refusal of the DVLA to reconsider, the two consultations with his GP who declined to say that of course he was fit to drive and that the diagnosis was wrong. In his mind he is a great driver and there is little or nothing wrong with his brain.
My father also has been difficult about social distancing and doesn't wear masks properly.
It looks very much as if this is something that will not go away. What will happen now iis that the DVLA will ask your GP for a report and I am pretty sure they will rely heavily on what the GP says. Now might be the time to ensure that the GP has all the facts. His licence might be revoked or a time limit might be applied to it.
I would worry more about the driving than the newsagent visits, catching covid in a very swift transaction like buying a newspaper isn't really at all likely but diminished driving ability has far more serious implications.
