My Grandmother, 84 years old, started showing signs of dementia about three years ago. She was an extremely social, active woman living independently at home but when COVID hit, the forced isolation seemed to cause rapid deterioration in her memory and ability to complete day to day tasks. My Mother & I have never had the best relationship with her. My Mother has never spoken about exactly what her childhood was like, but I've pieced together there was neglect and verbal abuse. As such, despite their civil relationship, I have always resented my grandmother. However, we put that aside to help her as her ability to do things collapsed. Slowly she could no longer figure out how to manage money or pay her bills, navigate making appointments, or organize a list for grocery shopping. She lived across the street from my parents and would come down sometimes 5 - 6x a day to ask a question she couldn't remember she'd already asked about.
Things took a turn for the worse when her long-time partner passed away. He was routine and comfort for her, and with him gone her days got increasingly empty. The hope was always to help her live out the rest of her years in her home but it was getting increasingly difficult as she began to refuse the in-home nurses we hired, and becoming verbally abusive and paranoid.
Two weeks ago she accused my Mother of trying to steal her home and money, and became so panicked she punched my Mother before fleeing her home and flagging down strangers in the street for help. None stopped and my Mother managed to get my Grandmother back inside the house, where my Grandmother insisted she needed to call the police. My Mother dialed for her, and my Grandmother was taken to hospital where she was evaluated and deemed unsafe to return him. After the physical violence we were in agreement as she was escalating verbally daily prior to this. She was placed in a nursing facility where the care and room came highly recommended by a friend of the family who does social work, and the care and room seem excellent so far.
I am seeking reassurance because while I know we made the right decision in terms of my grandmother's safety, my visits with her at the home have been heart-wrenching. She is at a stage where she's aware enough to know something is wrong, but not so aware that she recognizes her level of impairment. She has absolutely no recollection of going to the hospital or the events preceding, positive or negative, which is both a blessing and a curse as she does not remember why she is in the facility when the plan was always to keep her at her own home for as long as possible. She keeps asking if we'll let her go home, when she'll get her car back (she hasn't driven in years, by choice). When I visited today she was wandering the hall and looked so sad, and told me she missed her home and her cat, and that the sounds other residents make frighten her.
Even harder, is that I adopted her cat. He was staying in her home, but was clearly becoming depressed and anxious. He has bloomed a little since I took him home with me but every time I look at him I feel as if I've done something wrong, like I've stolen him without a care for my Grandmother. He had to go somewhere, and it certainly wasn't going to be back to the rescue he came from after the love and affection he provided my grandmother. And due to the nature of her disease, it's not possible (or fair to him) to find a facility that could allow a pet as beautiful as that would be. I know I've given him a deserved soft landing but when I look at him I see the sadness in her eyes as she looked out the window during our visit today.
I feel as if no matter how hard I try, this pain won't go away. I think I just needed to get this out somewhere others would read and understand.
Things took a turn for the worse when her long-time partner passed away. He was routine and comfort for her, and with him gone her days got increasingly empty. The hope was always to help her live out the rest of her years in her home but it was getting increasingly difficult as she began to refuse the in-home nurses we hired, and becoming verbally abusive and paranoid.
Two weeks ago she accused my Mother of trying to steal her home and money, and became so panicked she punched my Mother before fleeing her home and flagging down strangers in the street for help. None stopped and my Mother managed to get my Grandmother back inside the house, where my Grandmother insisted she needed to call the police. My Mother dialed for her, and my Grandmother was taken to hospital where she was evaluated and deemed unsafe to return him. After the physical violence we were in agreement as she was escalating verbally daily prior to this. She was placed in a nursing facility where the care and room came highly recommended by a friend of the family who does social work, and the care and room seem excellent so far.
I am seeking reassurance because while I know we made the right decision in terms of my grandmother's safety, my visits with her at the home have been heart-wrenching. She is at a stage where she's aware enough to know something is wrong, but not so aware that she recognizes her level of impairment. She has absolutely no recollection of going to the hospital or the events preceding, positive or negative, which is both a blessing and a curse as she does not remember why she is in the facility when the plan was always to keep her at her own home for as long as possible. She keeps asking if we'll let her go home, when she'll get her car back (she hasn't driven in years, by choice). When I visited today she was wandering the hall and looked so sad, and told me she missed her home and her cat, and that the sounds other residents make frighten her.
Even harder, is that I adopted her cat. He was staying in her home, but was clearly becoming depressed and anxious. He has bloomed a little since I took him home with me but every time I look at him I feel as if I've done something wrong, like I've stolen him without a care for my Grandmother. He had to go somewhere, and it certainly wasn't going to be back to the rescue he came from after the love and affection he provided my grandmother. And due to the nature of her disease, it's not possible (or fair to him) to find a facility that could allow a pet as beautiful as that would be. I know I've given him a deserved soft landing but when I look at him I see the sadness in her eyes as she looked out the window during our visit today.
I feel as if no matter how hard I try, this pain won't go away. I think I just needed to get this out somewhere others would read and understand.
