Processing

[Nixxilee]

Hey everybody , I’m Nicki, I’m 33 and my 70 yr old father got diagnosed with vascular dementia from a large stroke ( or multiple nobody knows) recently but he’s been in a nursing facility for a year now..he had an angioplasty and never was the same . So..the neurologist said it is moderate and that he has the brain of a 90-100 yr old with all the atrophy. He’s not mobile , and cannot care for himself at all, and doesn’t know where he is or anything . He recognizes me and that’s about it . He still talks but it’s mumbled, he has trouble swallowing . It definitely seems more late stage than moderate , but …I’m mostly just ..processing..I had a father who could walk and live on his own a year ago..and one surgery took everything away…I’m the only child and family is not close ..it’s a lot …he’s my only remaining parent , so I’m preparing to lose him…but also..trying to not be so negative..and process..but this is so difficult ..

 

[try again]

A year ago my mother fell over. She didn't hurt herself but was hospitalised in January with a leg infection. She was still barely mobile and lived on her own. Early Feb she was discharged to a care home for assessment and managed the walk to the dining room with a frame , even though it was very slow.
We moved her to a 'permanent' home and I don't think she was truly mobile ever since. In October she had a suspected mini stroke that prevents her sitting up safely and so became bedbound.
Because her legs are now permanently bent and care was difficult she moved into a nursing home last week.
She still recognises me when she acknowledges I'm there but mumbles very little, in on pureed food, doubly incontinent and spends most of her time blowing kisses at the TV.
So her decline sounds along similar lines to your father's.
Yesterday, she was asking why am I here, I want to go home, what are you doing so I think she realises she is in a different place. I'm not sure if she is in any pain.
Sadly there is only one way to go and I am hoping for her sake it will be calm and painless. Selfishly for me, I am hoping it will be soon.

 

[Nixxilee]

ya it sounds very similar , and in the same boat but ..selfishly for me I hope it’s not soon…I hate seeing him like this , but I’m not ready to lose him. I feel terrible that I only visit once every few weeks, he’s about 45 minutes from me and I should make the drive more. I’m determined to make the drive more and visit while I can..

 

[DeeCee7]

Hey everybody , I’m Nicki, I’m 33 and my 70 yr old father got diagnosed with vascular dementia from a large stroke ( or multiple nobody knows) recently but he’s been in a nursing facility for a year now..he had an angioplasty and never was the same . So..the neurologist said it is moderate and that he has the brain of a 90-100 yr old with all the atrophy. He’s not mobile , and cannot care for himself at all, and doesn’t know where he is or anything . He recognizes me and that’s about it . He still talks but it’s mumbled, he has trouble swallowing . It definitely seems more late stage than moderate , but …I’m mostly just ..processing..I had a father who could walk and live on his own a year ago..and one surgery took everything away…I’m the only child and family is not close ..it’s a lot …he’s my only remaining parent , so I’m preparing to lose him…but also..trying to not be so negative..and process..but this is so difficult ..

Hello @Nixxilee and welcome to the forum. I have found the company and support of this community so helpful, and I hope you do too. I am so sorry to hear about your father’s predicament, and one that you couldn’t have anticipated at this young stage of both your lives. This is going to be a long time of processing all this information and adjusting to how you are preparing to support your father. But first you must be kind to yourself, especially as the only child and no mother to support you. I do hope you have other friends or relatives that can step in to help and support you. Sending you my very best wishes.

 

[try again]

My mum is around 30mins away. I aim for twice a week but it's probably more like once a week. I don't work so have no excuse really but I don't think she gets a lot from my visits and I normally spend the next day sleeping.
For me, it's about her needs and wants and I know she is getting the best care where she is with people experienced in advanced dementia.
I think I've done most of my grieving, though I am sure that is not true. Also we are older so perhaps more accepting. She is 92 next birthday.

 

[Nixxilee]

My mum is around 30mins away. I aim for twice a week but it's probably more like once a week. I don't work so have no excuse really but I don't think she gets a lot from my visits and I normally spend the next day sleeping.
For me, it's about her needs and wants and I know she is getting the best care where she is with people experienced in advanced dementia.
I think I've done most of my grieving, though I am sure that is not true. Also we are older so perhaps more accepting. She is 92 next birthday.

I’m going to aim for once a week , I don’t really like the facility he’s in but it’s what the state will pay for because we have no other savings or anything. I work a full time job and live alone , recently divorced …woo…so ya I should visit more and I’m going to make a point of doing so . I think it’ll make him happy.