Overwhelmed!

[Mintymadness]

I thought I would just say Hi and ask for a little support as I am feeling very overwhelmed and struggling with guilt.
My Grandmother has moderate vascular dementia (which she was able to hide from me as she worked in a dementia care home for years - hence my guilt for not spotting it sooner)
GM has really gone downhill since Christmas, which coincidently coincided with myself being unwell and off work for a month, I'm still coping with side effects.
Although my GM has her husband, a daughter and a son (my Dad) I feel that everything is being left up to me to do and sort out. Visiting up to 5 times a week, shopping, jobs around the house washing and ironing and personal care for my GM, I am now having to add Court of protection forms, deal with safeguarding issues and liaise with SS for emergency respite care. All on top of a job and young family.
I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but feel alone and angry
Has anyone else felt like this and how did you overcome it?
Thank you in advance.
xx

 

[marionq]

What are the daughter and son doing while you are shouldering the care? If it is too much step back, walk away. If they are willing to discuss sharing with you then fine but sometimes people will let you do it all if you don't make it clear it is not going to continue.

You might consider phoning SS to do a needs assessment for your Gran so as to get some help.

 

[Emac]

I thought I would just say Hi and ask for a little support as I am feeling very overwhelmed and struggling with guilt.
My Grandmother has moderate vascular dementia (which she was able to hide from me as she worked in a dementia care home for years - hence my guilt for not spotting it sooner)
GM has really gone downhill since Christmas, which coincidently coincided with myself being unwell and off work for a month, I'm still coping with side effects.
Although my GM has her husband, a daughter and a son (my Dad) I feel that everything is being left up to me to do and sort out. Visiting up to 5 times a week, shopping, jobs around the house washing and ironing and personal care for my GM, I am now having to add Court of protection forms, deal with safeguarding issues and liaise with SS for emergency respite care. All on top of a job and young family.
I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but feel alone and angry
Has anyone else felt like this and how did you overcome it?
Thank you in advance.
xx

You don't have to overcome the feeling of overwhelm and anger. you are feeling this because those who should be shouldering the main burden for your GM are leaving it all to you. You have every right to be angry. I am wondering why you took it all on....rather than tell your Dad someone needs to ring social work/sort out power of attorney/visit gran every day or whatever? Did you try and were ignored? Are you usually the person everyone turns to re family problems or did you just step forward to help and now find you are doing it all? However it happened it's time for a frank conversation with the others about what needs doing and how much each of you can give to support her. Be strong xx

 

[Chemmy]

Hello and welcome from me too. I'm angry on your behalf too. This is so unfair.

Time for a family meeting and a frank conversation. Don't be afraid of hurting their feelings. Your young family is your main responsibility and your grandmother is theirs and if they don't want to do the care themselves, it's up to them to find professionals who will - not dump it all, presumably unpaid, on you.

Everyone here on TP will be happy to offer any support you need, so don't be afraid to ask

 

[Mintymadness]

You don't have to overcome the feeling of overwhelm and anger. you are feeling this because those who should be shouldering the main burden for your GM are leaving it all to you. You have every right to be angry. I am wondering why you took it all on....rather than tell your Dad someone needs to ring social work/sort out power of attorney/visit gran every day or whatever? Did you try and were ignored? Are you usually the person everyone turns to re family problems or did you just step forward to help and now find you are doing it all? However it happened it's time for a frank conversation with the others about what needs doing and how much each of you can give to support her. Be strong xx

My family aren't close, partly due to my GF being a difficult person to be around (difficult is an understatement). I did ask my Dad to call GP ect when I first noticed Nans condition, but nothing was done. So I took it on myself as I couldn't bear seeing my nan suffering anymore. I guess that now we are at crisis point my anger has grown. I can't understand how people can just stand back and do nothing, nan would do anything for her family if she was able, and has tried to keep the family together, why are they now not there for her, difficult GF or not?!. I've asked for help such as when they visit they bring a prepared meal with them but the response is that GF will complain about what they have brought, not that they visit that often anyway. I just have to keep going and hope that SS comes through with rest bite today. Sorry for the rant, I do feel a bit better getting it off my chest. Thank you for your support it means a lot. Xx

 

[Chemmy]

I understand, but it still doesn't make it your responsibility. Do you feel it's impacting on your own family life and the time you can spend with your own children? If so, I'm sure your grandmother, who sounds like a lovely person, wouldn't want that.

If you step back, they will have to step up to the plate at some point. If you carry on as you are, they will let you.

 

[canary]

I noticed that you said you were having to do personal care for your grandmother, so the implication is that there are no carers going in. If you are having to sort out CoP then this means that she has lost capacity too. This sounds as though she is quite a way down her dementia journey - you cannot do everything, even though I suspect that your GF is refusing help on the grounds that "minty will do that". You can only do what you can do and I think you would be hard pushed even if you had nothing else to do apart from look after your grandmother (which I am certainly not advocating BTW). I would recommend that you sit down and decide what you can (and more importantly) what you cant do. IMO personal care is one thing that you shouldnt have to do.

BTW, are you applying for CoP for yourself to be deputy, or for someone else? If its for you then this will give you the power to organise things like carers for her. If its for someone else, then I dont see why you should do it

 

[Mintymadness]

I noticed that you said you were having to do personal care for your grandmother, so the implication is that there are no carers going in. If you are having to sort out CoP then this means that she has lost capacity too. This sounds as though she is quite a way down her dementia journey - you cannot do everything, even though I suspect that your GF is refusing help on the grounds that "minty will do that". You can only do what you can do and I think you would be hard pushed even if you had nothing else to do apart from look after your grandmother (which I am certainly not advocating BTW). I would recommend that you sit down and decide what you can (and more importantly) what you cant do. IMO personal care is one thing that you shouldnt have to do.

BTW, are you applying for CoP for yourself to be deputy, or for someone else? If its for you then this will give you the power to organise things like carers for her. If its for someone else, then I dont see why you should do it

Hi, yes we are quite a way down our journey, the last 4 months GM has really deteriorated. I'm really very shocked at how quickly. Having carers come in will not work due to my GF, SS have already told me this. GM has lost capacity and I've had to tread very carefully with GF to get this far with paperwork, I'm applying for deputy for myself as I'm the only one that GM trusts. Getting financial information is going to be extremely tricky, but I'm going to have to bite the bullet. I know I'm not the only one in this situation and others have it far tougher but I feel lost and SS are dragging their feet. xx

 

[canary]

Ive had to do down the CoP route for mum too, so I know that the paperwork can be a bit overwhelming at times. I have found the people on the helpline are helpful, though you may have to wait a while to get through, if you get into problems.

Unfortunately, SS will drag their feet - simply because you are there, doing things. Also, your GF is your grandmothers next of kin, so if he refused any help then they will not insist. You can only try and persuade him - and perhaps the only way to do that is to point out that you cannot do it, so someone else needs to. Its so difficult.