Oh help me get off the drama triangle!!!

[zeeeb]

I'm on it, and i'm struggling to jump off. Just need a quick vent.

I've spent the last 2 days on the phone trying to get respite care for my step grand father in law who just came out of hospital. He's in a right old state. Very sick, really not in any fit state to be in his house on his own.

So after 25-30 phone calls, going round in circles, i find him a space for 2 weeks in respite, and now he refuses it. He can hardley breathe. The conversation we had, he was huffing and puffing and out of breath just talking for a few minutes. He's not eating, he doesn't want his meals back to being delivered to him, he's not showering, he can barely get from his bed to his toilet and back again without being out of breath and exhausted, ready for a nap.

He is really not in a good place, but ensures me he can look after himself.

So, I hereby throw my hands in the air and give up. If he needs help, he'll have to call an ambulance. He needs to have home care, but that'll take a couple of weeks to set up (if of course he accepts it). so in the mean time he needs respite, but doesn't want to sit around twiddling his thumbs all day.

This is the 3rd time i've done this, running around in a panic, trying to get him care packages set up, get to the point that i've nearly got it sorted (which takes hours and hours of phone calls, banging head against brick walls), and he refuses to accept it.

I recognise i'm on the drama triangle, i recognise i'm trying to rescue him, and he refuses to be rescued. So somehow i just have to walk away (knowing full well that he'll just end up back in an ambulance, back in hospital)....

breathe. let it go...

vent over!

 

[lin1]

Hello Zeeeb
sorry your are going through this
I dont know the system in australia so feel I can be of much help, I couldnt read your post and not say anything

I know how horrid and wearing it is having to chase around in circles but at least I didnt have the problem with mum refuing help ,bless her she couldnt

Why did they let him out when still so poorly , mind you that happens here a lot

 

[rajahh]

Here there is usualluy a short term care packagage organised when an elderly person is discharged from hospital, especially if they live alone.

You are right to walk away, hard as it is, in the end, you can not do anything else.


waiting for an emergency is not a pleasant place to be in, and I understand your need to vent.

Jeannette

 

[Chemmy]

Hi Zeeeb

As I recall, it's normally your mum that you post about, isn't it? Am I right in assuming your step-grandad, although poorly, still has full capacity to make decisions? Then the key is to make sure that as long as he understands the consequences of his refusal, then you respect his wishes. He is an adult after all.

I can only say that my recent experiment in coming off the drama triangle with regards to my MIL (85), neighbour and daughter seems to have worked out OK. It's certainly reduced my stress levels

Stepping back feels completely counterintuitive to us Rescuers; in fact, I'd go as far to say it feels callous and uncaring - but do you know what? They all seem to be fine about it.

So now I make a suggestion once (helpful and acceptable) and then I don't mention it again unless they bring it up (so there's no accusation of nagging/interfering) and - this is the important part - I don't allow them to play the Victim any more either.

So instead of taking down a bag of fruit smoothies and other goodies to tempt MIL to eat, which I heard via the grapevine she resented me doing, I turned up last time and said "You look well" and left it at that. She can't eat properly because she won't go to the dentist and she's underweight 'cos she's not eating properly . But instead of allowing her to take the usual "poor little me" tack, I have now adopted the "It's your decision" position - ie that of a Supporter .

If any of them want help or advice, then now they have to ask for it and I'd like to think they know me well enough to know that if asked, I'll willingly comply.

I'm not saying it's easy - only yesterday I spotted a nice little bungalow that would suit MIL perfectly and I had to sit on my hands to stop myself sending the details on to my OH. And as for them not wanting to sort out an LPA for her....

 

[zeeeb]

yes, he is still able to make his own decisions.

So i sent him an email this morning (he's mostly deaf, so it's the best way to get through to him and actually have him understand what is being said, he's not bad tech-wise for an 89 year old).

I said that i've told the respite centre that he's changed his mind, and the assessment team have closed his case, and that if he wants in-home care, he'll have to contact them, and it'll take a few weeks to put into place.

I've given him the phone number, and I won't be ringing them again, as each of the 3 times i've done it, he's declined the help once i've spent hours and days trying to set it all up.

I've told him which referrals he needs to get from his GP if he needs emergency home help at short notice, and I've advised him to get taxi vouchers from his GP to attend to his appointments if the weather is bad.

so he'll have no food, he'll have no showers, no cleaner, he'll have nobody to help him do his appointments, and he insists that he'll be ok and can look after himself. He promised me that he can. Next time he has a problem, he will have to call the ambulance.

He's supposed to be going to the GP on Friday, I have a feeling if he tries to do this on his gopher, he'll arrive in a state fit to call an ambulance, or not arrive, and a passer by on the street will call him an ambulance.

I'll visit him in hospital as purely a visitor, and then walk away and not try and fix his "care" situation, the social workers or medical staff will need to sort that out for him.

 

[Chemmy]

Hi zeeeb

I think that's what's called 'a controlled crisis waiting to happen' on TP.

It is hard but you're doing the right thing. He needs to understand for himself that he needs help but he has to be the one to ask as at the moment he's still in denial. I suppose it's like those who attend AA and have to say "Hello, I'm XYZ. I'm an alcoholic." Very hard to take that first step.

I know the LPA thing with MIL could well end in tears - she's already had a couple of minor strokes. Six months ago, I would have been nagging OH. Now..well, it's not my mother - he knows the value of the POA I have for mine, but is reluctant to try and persuade his mum.

And that's the fundamental difference between a Supporter and a Rescuer on the triangle. He will wait for her to ask for help and if she doesn't, he will - and she must - accept the consequences. I find that very difficult, but as I say, it's not my business ultimately, so I'm staying schtum for now.

There might be an element of "Told you so .." waiting in the pipeline though

 

[zeeeb]

well how about that!

try and step off the drama triangle, and it's all working out.

he printed off my email, took it to the dr, and the dr gave him the what for and told him he needs to go to respite to recover, otherwise he'll end up in hospital, that he needs to eat 3 meals a day or he's not going to get any better, and that we are really trying to do the right thing for him, so that he is cared for and can get better and live a long and happy life at his home.

So, he accepted the respite, then we got another call about the home help, and they're all set to go when he gets out of respite.

so all that banging my head on brick walls has paid off, just when i was ready to give up and walk away.

All it took, was the medical staff to tell him what he needed. which i've been saying to them all along. if he gets told what to do by you guys, he'll listen, but he won't listen to us.

I feel much better now.

 

[craftyviola]

Hi zeeeb

It sounds as though your efforts paid off in the end! I think one of the most energy draining aspects of caring is getting action from the professionals at times, just waiting on the phone to speak to the right person and then tell the story yet again is one of the most frustrating things of all.

How wonderful that your step grandfather in law managed to get himself sorted out with your guidance and well done for your perseverance too. I am not sure if I would have said that you were on the drama triangle, I can't detect much of the "victim" from your posts, only a common sense approach where you have done your utmost to help with frustrating consequences!

 

[Chemmy]

I can't detect much of the "victim" from your posts,

Zeeeb was the Rescuer
Stepgrandfather was the Victim.

Why did he show the GP the email? Because he realised the responsibility for his quality of life was now down to him. Zeeeb stepping back forced him to stop being the Victim.

Well done, Zeeeb

 

[zeeeb]

He showed her the email because I stated clearly that he needed to get taxi vouchers as my Mother in law will be away all week next week, and unable to do his running around. So i made him realise that he would have nobody there checking on him every day next week. no food in the house, no energy, no car, only his gopher, in terrible windy cold weather.

i also specified a couple of things he needed to get referrals for. it's easy to print it out, because the department names were clearly specified for the referrals he needed.