Observations in a care home - a stranger's perspective

[Isabella41]

I saw mum earlier and now that we are few years in on the dementia journey I think I have become more open minded and can see things in way I wouldn't have in the beginning. Let me explain...

There is a lovely lady called Alice who sits with mum. Alice is a reasonably new resident. I'd say she is probably around the same stage of dementia as mum. She can hold a conversation but it can be a bit difficult at times and she does get muddled - just like mum. Both of them think the other one is "so with it and shouldn't be in here".

Today Alice was very weepy and I asked why. Initially she shook her head indicating she didn't want to say so I didn't pry. She watched as I pulled a pile of clothes from my bag for mum. (EBay is great). She then leaned over to mum and said "xxx that's what a real daughter is like, you are so lucky". She then cried some more. I told her I wasn't that perfect and that mum and me had our moments and could fight too. "oh we never fight" pipes up mum. "Me and Isabella have never had a cross word, She's such a good girl" Well at that point I think I hit my head as I fell on the floor with sheer shock!!!

Alice then went on to tell me her daughter was going away to the coast for a week and she asked her to take her along .She said she told her daughter she's pay her own way and book into a lovely hotel on her own. She said she'd stay there until she found a wee flat as 'this place' is just not nice. Of course I knew how impossible all this was but I just nodded my head. She then said her daughter snapped at her and told her she would stay where she was put. Other things were said which I was also told about. It all sounded so like a carbon copy of conversations I had with mum a year ago and I too snapped with the sheer frustration of it all.

I saw another lady tell a visitor who was there seeing someone else that "my family have left me in the place and haven't been to see me for months. They are so hateful to me and wish I was dead". The reality is it is so rare not to see family with this woman and they are always fussing round her.

I could go on and on with so many similar stories I have heard since mum's time in the care home. Its been a real eye opener for me. How many poor families are being bad mouthed, albeit by someone who can't help themselves due to dementia. In the early days I'd have taken on board all I was being told but as time has passed and I've witnessed by own mother's delusions I know that its best to take what's been said in these places with a large dose of poetic licence.

I am curious if others have come across similar incidents and if so what are your views.

Isabella

 

[Butter]

Oh yes. All the time. I just nod along to the stories I hear. And often there is some true history within them. I think we learn to respect people more in these situations. Nothing is as it seems. Nothing is simple.

 

[loveahug]

Mum's not yet in a care home Isabella, but she constantly tells me she hasn't seen xxx for years! That includes my brother who drives for 3 hours every 6 weeks to stay for a week, my daughter who lives a 10 minute walk away and drops in every other day. Mum completely forgets she has carers 4 times a day and thinks she does everything. So, yes, it's one of the worse aspects of loss of short term memory and the brain makes fills the gaps with reasons why they can't remember seeing someone recently. The last time I came away from mum, by the time I got home a couple of hours later ,she was on the phone crying convinced we'd had a huge row and I'd stormed out. It took ages to calm her down and convince her that I'd just gone home as arranged.

I like to think that none of it is deliberately malicious, just a befuddled brain attempting to make sense out of warped perceptions.

From your other post I know that you are so relieved that you have, at last, got your mum settled in the right place and think you deserve a HUGE medal for not giving up on her.

Big hugs x