Not wanting to think it - but facing it anyway

[kingmidas1962]

Mum (carer breakdown, now post viral depression kicking in as well) still very, very up and down. Mainly down. Yesterday she wasn't too bad, got out of the house and managed an hour in the lounge at the assisted living complex where she lives.

I had a meeting (an important one) this morning at work - it went well. I work for a small addiction treatment agency that is well regarded by our funding body. All was well with the world until I checked my phone when I came out. FIVE missed calls. FOUR messages, all from mum becoming increasingly hysterical. "I feel so ill. I'm going crazy. I'm going to die. Where are you?"

I called her back. I have stopped rushing round whenever she thinks she needs me as I just can't do it any more.

She'd got herself worked up into a frenzy so I called the psychiatric team who must be fed up of hearing my name ... They got hold of her CPN who is en route as I post.

What is increasingly in my mind is that she may, like my dad was some 10 years ago, be teetering on the brink of dementia. It's hard to tell which symptoms are depression and which may not be. Her memory is poor - she is very repetitive ... says (previously) uncharacteristic things to and about me, and others. Thinks people are always victimising her ....

....my mind has been too scared to think of the possibility of two parents with dementia but now I am starting to think that it may be the case. I spoke to a second CPN about my fears and he is visiting on Friday ... for a catch up and to do some memory tests.

What I will actually do if this is the diagnosis I really don't know - but I can't carry on like this.

 

[Noorza]

OK firstly I can't always take my own advice but I'll share my experience with my son. When he was first diagnosed with OCD, I was relieved, I had an explanation for his behaviour and I viewed it as a way to open doors to get him and I the help that we needed. This was a positive way to look at things and made the diagnosis almost a relief, the same can be said for getting a diagnosis of dementia as it opens doors.

When his second diagnosis of autism, high functioning, was made I fell apart and cried for days.

We cant know how we'll react, we just cope because we have to and try to look at it as a way to access support for her, if not like me with the autism, then let it all out.

 

[Anongirl]

Hi KM. We've discussed before how similar our mum's are in that they both err on the side of depression/anxiety. It took me a while to separate the dementia from her personality and I've often wondered if someone with this personality type is more likely to end up with dementia. I've wondered if mum would have 'drove' herself to dementia even if she hadn't have had her stroke.

Mum used to ring me on my mobile at work then ring the work phone too. If I wasn't there she would leave a panic stricken message. It was like torture. This was before diagnosis.

I'm not for a minute saying your mum does have dementia and it may take time to differentiate if the signs aren't obvious (it did with my mum). A year on though it's more obvious. She's much more confused when she's anxious.

Perhaps if you did have a diagnosis though, as terrifying as that is, it may mean you can get the help and support you both need? Xxx

 

[kingmidas1962]

Yes, I do almost hope for a diagnosis of SOMETHING because as you say that will mean tailored support. It will also mean that if she is not coping that there is a reason why.

Dad is/was a very placid 'sufferer', accepting of his fate - unbothered by his symptoms mainly because of the lack of awareness of their impact. Mum is a different creature entirely ... fretful, unsettled ... anxious ... gut-wrenchingly so ....

 

[Anongirl]

I cross posted with Noorza!

I'm hoping my mum goes into a phase of being like your dad, for her own sake more than anything x

 

[angecmc]

Hi KIngmaidas, perhaps your Mum has an inkling about this herself, which of course will add to her anxiety, I wish you all the best and if it is dementia, make sure you get all the help you can, I would go as far as think immediately about a carehome placement as she sounds like my Mum who has Lewy Bodies and the paranoia is horrific. Also sending hugs to you (()) xx

Ange

 

[kingmidas1962]

Hi KIngmaidas, perhaps your Mum has an inkling about this herself, which of course will add to her anxiety, I wish you all the best and if it is dementia, make sure you get all the help you can, I would go as far as think immediately about a carehome placement as she sounds like my Mum who has Lewy Bodies and the paranoia is horrific. Also sending hugs to you (()) xx

Ange

That is at the back of my mind, always. She has already said 'put me in a home' a few times and should significant memory problems be uncovered that's what I'll be thinking about. I've no doubt the confusion and indecision she currently feels is adding to her anxiety. ...

 

[kingmidas1962]

Just had an 'honest' discussion with my husband (unusual for him, as he's not very good at talking about feelings) as I know that he thinks I'm unkind with some of the things I say about mum - having said THAT he's never been a face to face carer for either of his parents, as he moved away from home to live with me!

His dad died suddenly and rather shockingly of cancer 3 and a half years ago, and his mum is struggling with her physical health (and mental health). His sister does the lions share of the caring and I worry about HER in the same way as I worry about myself, and the signs are there that she is beginning to crack.

Anyway - I said that just because she is my mum, doesn't mean she can't frustrate, annoy, and infuriate me and yes, we can ALL do that to those we love.

His response was that he knows how much I'll miss her when she's gone (he's comparing it to the loss of his dad, which was sudden and without any prior health problems / caring issues which wore everyone down). I don't deny that for one moment I will miss her, and I agreed with him totally.

However - the person I will miss is the mum that WAS .. the mum I USED to have ... that's the bit he doesn't get / can't separate the two.

Still, it was nice to have that kind of conversation.

 

[Anongirl]

Aww, my husband is the same. Usually something happens and I really need to talk to someone about my deepest darkest thoughts and I just blurt it all out! He usually says "I don't know what to say" but to be honest I rarely want him to say anything, I just need to get it all out and for him to understand what I'm going through. I do think men look at things more practically than emotionally though.

It's good to talk it out xxx

 

[kingmidas1962]

Hi km,i've often read your posts but not posted,but felt the need to tonight.

There are so many similarities between your mum and how my mum was for many years pre dementia.I'm not saying i think your mum has dementia,and i really hope she hasn't,but wanted to say i know how you feel.x

I hope she hasn't - kind of, although having been through a lot of the processes with dad I'd kind of know where I was going, if that makes any sense?

...and I dont think I could cope if she was like this for years .... three weeks since she went downhill and I'm on my knees!