[New Member] - Supporting my Grandmother with Dementia

[CallumKee]

Hi All,

My name is Callum, I am 30 years old and I currently have a Grandmother who is 85 years old with Dementia.

As far as I know she is in two years of her diagnosis and has declined rapidly over the years.

I know this is an area for support and advice which is great. But also a bit of an off load for myself too.

I do consider myself a very selfish person and I do genuinely struggle to show an interest in my Grandmother and would rather be at home doing my own thing that caring and looking after her. This is my general feeling. - HARD PART OUT THE WAY.

Anyway, she has support from all the family and her two Daughters, My Mother and my Auntie.

Currently we are doing small shifts during the day while this COVID. Morning, Lunch and Teatime.

I do the evening shifts three times a week.

Anyway, it is hard or I find it hard because I am a selfish person and only care about myself but I and forcing myself to care and try and be supportive to my Grandmother. Usually as soon as I step through her door, I want to go home or try and do what is needed then go. In general i can’t be bothered but I know this is not the right attitude even though this what I feel like.

She recently says she wants to go home.
She says she is lonely when we go home and don’t see her until the next day.

I just generally do not have he enthusiasm to be a good Grandson that I used to be.

If I am asked to do something for someone or my Grandmother. Just picture a “Teenager”.

Anyway, I am expecting some sort of judgement but if any advice is there would be appreciated.

Thanks
-Callum

 

[canary]

Hello @CallumKee and welcome to DTP

What makes you think that you are selfish and uncaring? Looking after someone with dementia is not easy and I suspect that most of us would rather not have to do it, yet there you are going to your grandmother and dealing with things, even though it sounds to me like she is sundowning/wanting to go home which causes problems with the best of us.

I take it that the family does not have any outside help? I really do think that it would be a good idea to get carers in. I resisted it for a long time, but now have a carer in to help OH get washed and dressed in the morning. Assuming that you are in UK, the family can contact Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for your grandmother to get the ball rolling.

 

[MartinWL]

@CallumKee Hi Callum, welcome. I completely understand your feelings but you are contributing to the family effort even though it isn't the best way to spend your time. So you presumably regard it as a moral responsibility. Think of it like this, you will be able to say in years to come that you did your bit. Your halo will be very well polished and you will have a warm feeling inside!

 

[lemonbalm]

I just generally do not have he enthusiasm to be a good Grandson that I used to be.

I think @canary makes a good point. We tend to think that family must look after the person with dementia. Many of us do it for a long time and think that nobody else can possibly care for the person like family can. In a lot of cases professional carers can do as good a job, or often a better job. Has there been any discussion within the family about getting some other support in place?

If there were some outside help, you could perhaps go back to being "the good Grandson" rather than a carer.

In the meantime, well done for doing what you are doing. You should be proud of that.

 

[Weasell]

Welcome!
You will not get judged by me!
You would have to be mother Teresa not to feel ‘ this doesn’t feel like where I should be ‘!
The important thing is you don’t let your feelings show.
Did you ever go to Disneyland, where all the staff are so lovely to you and make you feel special and wanted. They really seen to care you have a good time ?well you need to be able to adopt that persona !

I attach a link to @Grannie G’s compassionate communication, if you follow the guidance it will help you !

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

check the family are claiming attendance allowance.
check they have power of attorney, ( both)
Check if they have claimed the community charge rebate, if applicable.
The extra money can pay for a gardener, cleaner, carer or paid companion.