New member - me, him and Dad

[GallowayGal]

Hello!

Before embarking on 1001 questions and queries about Alzheimer's, here is a little about the main players in our saga...

ME - In Scotland, 400 miles from my Dad. I wasn't supposed to be his carer, that was going to be my brother (he got Dad and I got the MIL) but he died the summer before the pandemic. When Dad and I had to make the decision to turn brother's machine off was when Dad first put in an appearance. I work (currently from home but with some out and about tasks which can't be done remotely) which meant that my OH moved South to look after Dad 3 years ago. If "they" hadn't moved my retirement back by 7 years (@£&%«¥€!) I would have retired by now but as it is I still have a few years to do.

i think I can handle the practicalities of Dad's situation however temperamentally i'm scared to death of adopting the primary care of my Dad (due shortly) and have a sensitivity setting that's set ridiculously high following damage done during some workplace bullying a few years ago.

HIM - My OH is so strong. Pretty much always right and extremely good at managing to get Dad to capitulate. I am not. Won't take any messing and doesn't have any strings that can be pulled. OH is also much needed in Scotland now as semi-derelict house needs his TLC even more than Dad does, so I'm taking over, making my caring role an issue at work and girding my loins for the long(ish) haul.......Dad is 97 after all.

DAD - used to be an Air Traffic Controller with a penchant for wordplay and puns who "burbles" now. Gone from being tidy, smart and a speaker on the local talks circuit ("My Life at the Airport") to somebody that won't brush his teeth, eats very little, is sometimes incontinent, puts his clothes on inside out and then attempts to wear them till they smell and who would sleep 20+ hours a day if we let him.

The thought of being on my own with Dad, dealing with all that we already know about, and with more to come, just makes me cry and as for how I will manage working after several midnight wandering sessions just fills me with dread. Once the train strike is over, it's Essex here I come so I'm starting to feel REALLY frightened now!

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @GallowayGal.

It must be so hard dealing with all of these issues when you are so far away.

I’m glad you have found this forum and I know you will get lots of understanding and support here.

 

[Violet Jane]

Would you consider moving your father into a care home?

 

[Rosettastone57]

@Violet Jane has taken the words right out of my mouth.......time for full time care ? Your situation is untenable quite frankly

 

[GallowayGal]

Thanks both.

I had been wondering about it but there is enough of my Dad "in there" still for this idea to make him very unhappy (think I picked out all the bad bits when I wrote before whereas what I should have focussed on is the better stuff). Long ago I was made to promise I wouldn't put him in a home and while that's a stupid promise to have made I think that should come when he is so far gone that he doesn't really spot it.

Some days Dad is quite good and the incontinence is episodic at the mo so I am minded to see if changes I want to make (finger food / red plates / maybe some help from outside with bathing / eating at the same time as Dad / more frequent "pet & toddler videos" on YouTube - he likes those - / better incontinence care) improve things at all.

My OH is going to hand over to me over a week or two and reckons he'll be back at least monthly. My employer (local council) also has a new (not yet tested over 400 miles!!) Carers Strategy in place so if they'll play ball reduced hours or staggered hours might make this doable. OH is v self-sufficient too, whereas I intend inviting v supportive neighbours over for chats and support when I get down there. I guess I'm just worrying "out loud" when what I should do is not to pre judge or preempt and then see what happens...happily we are registered for everything from everybody, so that, at least, is sorted.

Finally, I know this note contradicts previous note (and I AM still v scared) but that's where things are at the mo - up one minute, down the next, whirling, twirling and fretting like its an Olympic sport.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Thanks both.

I had been wondering about it but there is enough of my Dad "in there" still for this idea to make him very unhappy (think I picked out all the bad bits when I wrote before whereas what I should have focussed on is the better stuff). Long ago I was made to promise I wouldn't put him in a home and while that's a stupid promise to have made I think that should come when he is so far gone that he doesn't really spot it.

Some days Dad is quite good and the incontinence is episodic at the mo so I am minded to see if changes I want to make (finger food / red plates / maybe some help from outside with bathing / eating at the same time as Dad / more frequent "pet & toddler videos" on YouTube - he likes those - / better incontinence care) improve things at all.

My OH is going to hand over to me over a week or two and reckons he'll be back at least monthly. My employer (local council) also has a new (not yet tested over 400 miles!!) Carers Strategy in place so if they'll play ball reduced hours or staggered hours might make this doable. OH is v self-sufficient too, whereas I intend inviting v supportive neighbours over for chats and support when I get down there. I guess I'm just worrying "out loud" when what I should do is not to pre judge or preempt and then see what happens...happily we are registered for everything from everybody, so that, at least, is sorted.

Finally, I know this note contradicts previous note (and I AM still v scared) but that's where things are at the mo - up one minute, down the next, whirling, twirling and fretting like its an Olympic sport.

I'm afraid that your dad wouldn't be happy wherever he was, it's the nature of the illness. You will need to decide how far "gone " he is going to be before he needs 24/7 supervision, so you should plan what your line in the sand will be, what you won't be able to deal with. Is it going to be double incontinence, wandering all hours, not being able to leave him safely, him being up all night, causing disturbance to the household, aggression? It's easy to start caring and in fact quickly find it consumes your whole life. You are entitled to a life for yourself, you don't say what the financial situation is, but explore carers, and start looking at care homes . There comes a point where the person with dementia's needs become so great that they outweigh what they or family members want to happen. You will shortly reach that point, in my opinion.