New issue any advice/workaround to help overcome it

[AndiP]

Its getting upsetting.
My wife is in the early stages. Still enjoying each others company.
All the below within a mile. It may simply be due to I arranged to meet her OR this is the end of a a part of her normal lifestyle.

She is still able to go to church. Finds her way there and back.
Goes to MEMORY CLUB nearby. On our estate and easily finds her way there and back
Did a simple shop in Tescos 1 to 3 items and comes home.
Goes to an exercise class. Finds her way there and back.
Goes to the church, volunteers as welcomer. Finds her way there and back.
Goes to Hairdressers now weekly as cannot do her own [logic and sequencing errors.]
SO
More recently due to MY concerns, safeguarding concerns, and other concerns as memory is getting worse, and I arranged to meet her after these 'events' She has a mobile and can still just use it.

She just left early or earlier after asking her to meet or wait for me [yes I know!!] and wandered off. 3 times in 5 days.
On the phone in her defence said she knew we were meeting' SOMEWHERE. [It is always at the venue. coffee stop, or home.

Any suggestions Answers Workarounds please.

Cheers Andrew

 

[Mumlikesflowers]

I guess part of it is understanding your own anxieties. I'm guessing when you say safeguarding concerns, you mean you are concerned that someone else might take advantage of her vulnerability.

I recall feeling racked with anxiety seeing a PWD wandering around town on his own. I was very relieved that I hadn't done something OTT when I next saw his wife and she said no he goes about on his own no problem.

It certainly isn't the best to set her up for failure so she feels like she's letting you down. You have to trial and error different methodologies as you go along the dementia journey and it's pretty nerve-wracking at times. Sometimes writing stuff down for my Mum has helped alleviate anxiety. Would your wife benefit from a written prompt in her bag to check on the arrangement? The danger is that she looks at it constantly and gets very anxious.

 

[phill]

Another thing to be aware of is that dementia can start to change the way that the person experiences the passage of time. For example, a three minute wait might feel like two hours, with the person convinced that they have been “stood up”, and impatiently start to make their own way home, because they trust their feelings rather than their watch.

 

[Jessbow]

Could you put a tracking device somwhere discrete- handbag perhaps ( or key ring if she takes her keys)
then at least you'd be able to reassure yourself where she was without taking away her independence?

 

[Spottydog]

I mean this very gently but by arranging to meet her you may have thrown her out of her groove as meeting you is an extra new step in the sequence, rather than going to the event and returning home. Would a tracker app like Life360 help so you can track where she is and quickly identify if she seems to have gone the wrong way ?

 

[AndiP]

Wow 4 brilliant replies.
All totally viable and doable.
Thank you so much. Wish it was always as good as this.
Feel totally chilled. For now.
I have a tracker on the phone already too.
Thanks guys.
Cheers Andrew

 

[DaftDad]

Another thing to be aware of is that dementia can start to change the way that the person experiences the passage of time. For example, a three minute wait might feel like two hours, with the person convinced that they have been “stood up”, and impatiently start to make their own way home, because they trust their feelings rather than their watch.

My Dad has lost pretty much all concept of time. There are two time points - now and not-now. He regularly leaves the house, evidently intending to go somewhere but forgets where and then goes back. He might exit and re-enter then exit again etc. three or four or more time within 10-15 min, sometimes changing coats or hats between exits. He tries to go out to buy newspapers at 3am (or other ridiculous times) but does it over and over in the early hours of the morning. Etc.

 

[AndiP]

Ahh I am so sorry.
Coping with a wife that does that would be a huge task.
Then upsets due to safety locked doors or something.
Andy

 

[GeorgieW]

was going to suggest activating the tracker on the phone.

I am going to have to get a dog tag tracker for my PWD as she has "forgotten" how to use a phone

 

[AndiP]

was going to suggest activating the tracker on the phone.

I am going to have to get a dog tag tracker for my PWD as she has "forgotten" how to use a phone

Thanks Georgie.
I i think the tracker on our Android phones runs all the time. Regardless, as long as it's on if I am not mistaken.
Cheers Andy

 

[GlennBurch]

Consider installing a security monitoring system in your home, such as CCTV cameras or an alarm system. Try to pre-arrange the time and place of the meeting to ensure that your wife does not leave the meeting place early. Discuss with her the importance of this rule for your peace and her safety. And, of course, offer to do activities together so that you have more control over the situation and so that your wife feels your presence and support.

 

[AndiP]

Thank you for the additional advice.
I have the alarm and all the doors monitored. I get a bleep on the mobile reach time plus cctv all around.
All her meetings are fixed. But organisers cannot get stay.
Also at my OH"s particular stage it is not possible to errr Reason with her. Also due to her memory problem within seconds of suggesting advising mentioning or talking to her using all known techniques it's forgotten.
It's all mostly routine now.
Cheers Andrew

 

[Chizz]

Thank you for the additional advice.
I have the alarm and all the doors monitored. I get a bleep on the mobile reach time plus cctv all around.
All her meetings are fixed. But organisers cannot get stay.
Also at my OH"s particular stage it is not possible to errr Reason with her. Also due to her memory problem within seconds of suggesting advising mentioning or talking to her using all known techniques it's forgotten.
It's all mostly routine now.
Cheers Andrew

Hi @AndiP and you others worried about the wanderings of your OH - it's a phase you have to get through safely without mishap.

My OH passed that phase, and couldn't remember, with reminders from me, about going out - couldn't remember when, why, where, and thus couldn't remember to get ready in time.
The next phase for us was that I would get OH ready, I would take her in the car, sometimes stay at the activity with her, sometimes not, and at the end of the activity I was at the door to collect her.

About this time, my OH forgot how to use the front door - and couldn't open it, so I didn't have the worry of her going out alone or unknown to me. The back door has two shallow steps down to the patio, and although I put up a grab handle my OH needed help to get in and out, so that wasn't a worry for me.

A friend of mine caring for her wandering husband got the point where she would sleep in a sleeping bag by the front door so husband couldn't go out during the night (although he didn't realise it was night time). (He's now in a care home, and still wanders, but they have night staff to deal with this kind of behaviour.) (And friend gets a good night's sleep!)

She became more frail on her feet and had balance problems, so eventually she didn't want to go somewhere where she thought she might fall - this fear of falling was v strong and started to include not liking to get into the wheel chair, and then not wanting to get from the wheel chair to the car, and then not wanting to get out of the car. Well when it started taking me 40 mins or so to persuade to get from chair to car, or to get out of the car, I started to question the point of it all. We had to allow two hours to go from house to memory singers for 2.30pm , so when do we fit in lunch? And it would take 2 hours to get home again!
The looks I got, the tellings off I got from strangers in the car park, etc who thought I was trying to get her to do something she didn't want to (which was true!) was quite something too. When someone said kindly, Can I help? I got to the point of handing her over altogether and said Wow, thanks I wasn't expecting you to take over full time care, but you're welcome. Somehow they changed their view.
Sorry wandered off the point!!

 

[AndiP]

Thanks Chizz.
A really great piece with loads to think about. NO not wandered off a bit [ha ha very poignant]
But very nice of you to overstate the obvious and help me think it all through and NOT focus on one or a particular aspect.
OOPS
Gotta go.
I suggested to her to get washed dressed to go for a walk with shoes hat coat gloves and go out side the door and BANG on the window of the 'office' when she was ready to walk !!!!
OH is banging

Thanks again Andrew