New here - so many struggles

[LizJ74]

Hi. My Mum (76) has dementia. She started to deteriorate a year ago and has gone downhill really fast. We have never managed to get a diagnosis because she refuses to go to the memory clinic appointments (or any appointments), and even video calls she just locks herself in the bathroom.
She lives with and is looked after by my step dad, but she doesn't remember that they are married, and she thinks their home is a hotel. She gets very angry, often hysterical and this happens more and more often lately. She has been biting, scratching and hurting my step dad for a few months. Last week, for the first time, she pulled out a knife and threatened him. He got out of the house and we called the police. Eventually she agreed to go in the ambulance that the police called, but after I spent 9 hours in a and e with her (she couldn't remember anything that happened and kept asking why we were there), all they would do was blood and urine tests and a CT scan, and told me there is nothing wrong with her, you just have to manage it.

I have no idea where to turn. We've gone around GP, memory clinic, psychiatric consultant, adult social care loop and it feels like there is just no help. I feel like she is probably getting to a point where my step dad and I can't care for her much longer and he is definitely vulnerable and his safety is at risk. Other than the dementia, she is in good health generally.

 

[SAP]

Would the memory clinic do a home visit? It may be worth asking and explaining how bad things now are. It could be that your mum no longer has mental capacity in which case others can decide the best course of action for her. Do you or your step dad have POA? You did exactly the right thing in calling the police and I would suggest that you do this every single time she becomes aggressive, eventually the hospital will have to take better note of what is happening, I’m surprised they didn’t section her. Get back to social services, the police should have put a safeguarding referral in, if they haven’t (and they really should have) then put one in yourself, you are right they are bioth at risk now and a safeguarding referral should not be ignored. Even supposing that your mum doesn’t have dementia ( for what it is worth it sound to my lay ears like she does) this kind of mental instability is not safe or caring for her sustainable. Let social services know that you have reached crisis point and are no longer willing to care for her with out some support or full time residential care.
The best thing for your mum now is to get diagnosed and supported with medication to ease her anxiety and behaviour for a calmer time for all involved.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @LizJ74

I agree with what has been said by @SAP.

When my wife threatened me with a weapon I phoned the police and when they attended I told then that I wanted the issue raised as a safeguarding issue, rather than a crime. The police were great and my wife was Sectioned.

Even if my wife was assessed as being safe to return home I wouldn't agree to that as I'm not going to live in fear in my own house, and nor should anyone.

Sometimes we have to be assertive, even if that comes at an emotional cost.

 

[jackdog35]

Hello @LizJ74

I agree with what has been said by @SAP.

When my wife threatened me with a weapon I phoned the police and when they attended I told then that I wanted the issue raised as a safeguarding issue, rather than a crime. The police were great and my wife was Sectioned.

Even if my wife was assessed as being safe to return home I wouldn't agree to that as I'm not going to live in fear in my own house, and nor should anyone.

Sometimes we have to be assertive, even if that comes at an emotional cost.

My mum was sectioned last year after being aggressive and violent towards my dad. She spent 7 weeks in a mental health unit and came home as she had really improved. She finds stressful things difficult but yesterday she was becoming delusional again. I really wish we hadn’t agreed to her coming back home but we felt like we were pushed to have her back. They said it was her choice to come home as she co-owns the house. My dad finds it really difficult to cope with and they spend so much time arguing. She’s not on any medication to control the moods and the mental health team only visit once a month and seem pretty useless. We spend every day fearing what could happen that day but no idea how to get any help

 

[karaokePete]

My mum was sectioned last year after being aggressive and violent towards my dad. She spent 7 weeks in a mental health unit and came home as she had really improved. She finds stressful things difficult but yesterday she was becoming delusional again. I really wish we hadn’t agreed to her coming back home but we felt like we were pushed to have her back. They said it was her choice to come home as she co-owns the house. My dad finds it really difficult to cope with and they spend so much time arguing. She’s not on any medication to control the moods and the mental health team only visit once a month and seem pretty useless. We spend every day fearing what could happen that day but no idea how to get any help

Yes, that would be a fear.

My wife and I were inseparable but things had just got to a point where I wasn't safe - she was misidentifying me for an abuser from her younger days, before she met me, and was obviously living in fear. This fear resulted in her concealing weapons and, finally, threatening me with one. It was a heartbreaking experience.

My position is that I own the house 100% so, as difficult as it would be, if the assessment unit suggest my wife should come home I will refuse. If she came home I would end up dead, either through stress/exhaustion, or with a kitchen knife in my chest - either way I'd be a dead man walking while in the house with her.

Before she was Sectioned I was waiting for the implementation of an agreed care package and, finally, respite but SS were as useful as a chocolate teapot. When I was threatened with a weapon I just went straight to the phone and called the police, who were great. My idea was to put a rocket up SS and have me noted as a safeguarding concern and both of these things were actioned by the police.

It's a sad testimony to the level of care that we carers get that on the evening my wife was sectioned we had police, GP, SW and my son in the house and the next day only the police made contact to see if I was OK. Nobody cares so I'm now looking out for No1 and will play the hardest ball SS etc have ever seen if they make contact with me.