Hi all,
I'm going to preface this with an apology: this will be quite a long post. Also I'm certain everything I say / ask will have been covered before, but there's a lot to go through on this forum, and I'd just like to have a bit of a ramble anyway. Please indulge me!
So to kick us off, here are the key players in our story:
Mum
Mum is 66, which I understand is quite young for dementia. We first found out about her condition over a year ago, but in the past few months she's got sharply worse. She's still able to wash and dress herself and take care of her own bathroom needs at the moment (thankfully), but she gets confused very easily, can get aggressive at times and depressed at the others, and even at her best conversations with her will just be a handful of sentences repeated for hours. She quite often doesn't know who I am, or who the man who lives with her (my dad, her husband) is.
Dad
Dad is a few years younger than mum, and lives with her. He's also self employed and works from home, so is in the ideal position to be her full time carer. Unfortunately, he's really, really not coping well. In fact, in some ways I'm more worried about his health than about mum's. I spotted the signs of depression in him around christmas and alerted his GP, who has put him on some antidepressants, but they're having little effect. Occasionally he speaks in a suicidal manner - not overtly, but not massively subtly either. He also has quite a short temper (not in a violent sense, but in the sense that he's easily wound up) which obviously makes the situation even more difficult.
He's barely functioning on a day to day basis now, and even things like making a phone call are beyond him. A lot of the time he doesn't even pick up the phone, even if I let him know in advance to expect a call (say, from the GP or from the County Council.) Most attempts I make to help mum get bottlenecked at the stage where his involvement is required.
Me
I'm in my late 20s, and I no longer live with my parents. I work full time, and my office is far enough away from their house that it's very difficult to visit them on weekday evenings, but at current I'm trying to get back there nearly every weekend. I like to think that I'm coping with this well in the sense that I understand the effect the disease has and am able to separate mum from the dementia, so I don't get upset when (for instance) mum doesn't remember who I am, but dad isn't able to do this. I'm an only child, so dealing with this is pretty much all falling on my shoulders, and I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming, to say the leastt.
---
The situation:
To be brief, mum needs to be put into a home. I know this is a decision a lot of people have trouble with, which is understandable, but it's one I've reached fairly easily. Mum's already very difficult to deal with, and I know that it's only going to get worse as time goes by. At some points she is definitely going to need professional care, and the sooner that happens the better it will be for both her and dad.
(As a side note: I have looked at day care options, and have even booked mum in, but when it gets to the day dad doesn't take her. I've got a day off work next week and will take mum myself then, but I'm not sure how much good one day will do, given that I'm almost certain that come the following week, dad won't take her again. I'm also looking into a week long respite break for dad, but the council have told me they need to arrange that directly with him, as they need his consent, and when they call him he doesn't answer and doesn't return their messages.)
So I have spoken to mum's GP, and she has asked the care assessment team to go out and assess their needs. Mum and dad have already had one assessment a few months ago, but it was on one of mum's good days, and both her and dad told the team that everything was fine. They took it at face value, and left it there. I have let the GP know that the situation has gotten worse though, and like I say she has arranged a re-assessment which I will ensure I'm present for, but no date has been set yet, and I'm not really sure at present if there's anything I can do to speed this up other than keep getting on the phone and chasing people.
Question 1: If the assessment team determine that mum does need to be put into a home (which I really pray that they do), how quickly can this happen?
Financial issues are a concern here. I understand that private homes can run into the region of £700+ a week, which we can't afford at all.
Question 2: How much should we expect to pay in non-private homes? (I don't know what they're called - public homes? State homes?)
Question 3: What options are available to mitigate some of this cost? I know of attendance allowance (which I've submitted the forms for, but as I submitted them rather than mum herself - for obvious reasons - that in itself needs an assessment) and carer's allowance (which I understand can only be applied for once attendance allowance is approved) but if there's anything else that can help please let me know.
Which brings us on to the next point: mum has a reasonable (though by no means great) amount of savings, and is getting a decent-ish pension. Dad, by contrast, has a not inconsiderable amount of debt, no income to speak of at current (as he can't work due to caring for mum) and the mortgage is coming out of his account, so his debt is growing. I've asked him about his plan to sort this, but he doesn't have one: his attitude to this (and to pretty much everything at the moment, to be honest) seems to be that if he ignores it long enough, the problem will go away. I can't bail him out, as I'm just keeping my own head above water financially. Mum's savings are more than dad's debt (at current), but they're in her own account (rather than a joint one) and she doesn't understand the situation enough to authorise a transfer.
I was hoping to get power of attorney so I could manage mum's financial affairs for her, but there's no way a doctor will declare her mentally capable to do so. I've spoken to a solicitor today and she said that I would have to apply to the court of protection to become an appointed deputy, but that the application costs £400 and if I want to get a solicitor to do all the admin their fee would be £1200. Obviously I can't afford this.
Question 4: Are there any cheap (preferably free!) governmental resources to help here?
I've also got mum's car at the moment. She had an accident recently (not injured, thankfully) and the DMV have revoked her license. I knew that dad would not be able to stop her driving if the car was at their house (Actual conversation: "You can't drive, you've got no license and no insurance." "I don't care, if I want to drive I'll drive!") so I've taken it. Selling it would help somewhat with the financial situation, but to be honest I'm spinning so many plates at the moment that I don't feel I can cope with selling a car as well, and this is obviously lower priority than most things. Also I presumably can't sell it without her permission anyway, as it's her property.
...Ah, I've probably got a bunch of other things to ask, but it's gone 1am, I've got work in the morning, and this post is long enough already, so I'll wrap it up with one final question:
Question 5: Is there anyone I can talk to to really help me through all of this, and to take some of the administration away from me? Because in all honestly, I'm pretty lost, and I don't feel I can cope with sorting all of this (particularly given that, as mentioned, I'm working full time as well.) I'm pretty much constantly exhausted (staying up til gone 1am doesn't help...) and stressed out, and while I'm trying not to let that show to my parents, I could really use some help and guidance through all of this, so any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks.
I'm going to preface this with an apology: this will be quite a long post. Also I'm certain everything I say / ask will have been covered before, but there's a lot to go through on this forum, and I'd just like to have a bit of a ramble anyway. Please indulge me!
So to kick us off, here are the key players in our story:
Mum
Mum is 66, which I understand is quite young for dementia. We first found out about her condition over a year ago, but in the past few months she's got sharply worse. She's still able to wash and dress herself and take care of her own bathroom needs at the moment (thankfully), but she gets confused very easily, can get aggressive at times and depressed at the others, and even at her best conversations with her will just be a handful of sentences repeated for hours. She quite often doesn't know who I am, or who the man who lives with her (my dad, her husband) is.
Dad
Dad is a few years younger than mum, and lives with her. He's also self employed and works from home, so is in the ideal position to be her full time carer. Unfortunately, he's really, really not coping well. In fact, in some ways I'm more worried about his health than about mum's. I spotted the signs of depression in him around christmas and alerted his GP, who has put him on some antidepressants, but they're having little effect. Occasionally he speaks in a suicidal manner - not overtly, but not massively subtly either. He also has quite a short temper (not in a violent sense, but in the sense that he's easily wound up) which obviously makes the situation even more difficult.
He's barely functioning on a day to day basis now, and even things like making a phone call are beyond him. A lot of the time he doesn't even pick up the phone, even if I let him know in advance to expect a call (say, from the GP or from the County Council.) Most attempts I make to help mum get bottlenecked at the stage where his involvement is required.
Me
I'm in my late 20s, and I no longer live with my parents. I work full time, and my office is far enough away from their house that it's very difficult to visit them on weekday evenings, but at current I'm trying to get back there nearly every weekend. I like to think that I'm coping with this well in the sense that I understand the effect the disease has and am able to separate mum from the dementia, so I don't get upset when (for instance) mum doesn't remember who I am, but dad isn't able to do this. I'm an only child, so dealing with this is pretty much all falling on my shoulders, and I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming, to say the leastt.
---
The situation:
To be brief, mum needs to be put into a home. I know this is a decision a lot of people have trouble with, which is understandable, but it's one I've reached fairly easily. Mum's already very difficult to deal with, and I know that it's only going to get worse as time goes by. At some points she is definitely going to need professional care, and the sooner that happens the better it will be for both her and dad.
(As a side note: I have looked at day care options, and have even booked mum in, but when it gets to the day dad doesn't take her. I've got a day off work next week and will take mum myself then, but I'm not sure how much good one day will do, given that I'm almost certain that come the following week, dad won't take her again. I'm also looking into a week long respite break for dad, but the council have told me they need to arrange that directly with him, as they need his consent, and when they call him he doesn't answer and doesn't return their messages.)
So I have spoken to mum's GP, and she has asked the care assessment team to go out and assess their needs. Mum and dad have already had one assessment a few months ago, but it was on one of mum's good days, and both her and dad told the team that everything was fine. They took it at face value, and left it there. I have let the GP know that the situation has gotten worse though, and like I say she has arranged a re-assessment which I will ensure I'm present for, but no date has been set yet, and I'm not really sure at present if there's anything I can do to speed this up other than keep getting on the phone and chasing people.
Question 1: If the assessment team determine that mum does need to be put into a home (which I really pray that they do), how quickly can this happen?
Financial issues are a concern here. I understand that private homes can run into the region of £700+ a week, which we can't afford at all.
Question 2: How much should we expect to pay in non-private homes? (I don't know what they're called - public homes? State homes?)
Question 3: What options are available to mitigate some of this cost? I know of attendance allowance (which I've submitted the forms for, but as I submitted them rather than mum herself - for obvious reasons - that in itself needs an assessment) and carer's allowance (which I understand can only be applied for once attendance allowance is approved) but if there's anything else that can help please let me know.
Which brings us on to the next point: mum has a reasonable (though by no means great) amount of savings, and is getting a decent-ish pension. Dad, by contrast, has a not inconsiderable amount of debt, no income to speak of at current (as he can't work due to caring for mum) and the mortgage is coming out of his account, so his debt is growing. I've asked him about his plan to sort this, but he doesn't have one: his attitude to this (and to pretty much everything at the moment, to be honest) seems to be that if he ignores it long enough, the problem will go away. I can't bail him out, as I'm just keeping my own head above water financially. Mum's savings are more than dad's debt (at current), but they're in her own account (rather than a joint one) and she doesn't understand the situation enough to authorise a transfer.
I was hoping to get power of attorney so I could manage mum's financial affairs for her, but there's no way a doctor will declare her mentally capable to do so. I've spoken to a solicitor today and she said that I would have to apply to the court of protection to become an appointed deputy, but that the application costs £400 and if I want to get a solicitor to do all the admin their fee would be £1200. Obviously I can't afford this.
Question 4: Are there any cheap (preferably free!) governmental resources to help here?
I've also got mum's car at the moment. She had an accident recently (not injured, thankfully) and the DMV have revoked her license. I knew that dad would not be able to stop her driving if the car was at their house (Actual conversation: "You can't drive, you've got no license and no insurance." "I don't care, if I want to drive I'll drive!") so I've taken it. Selling it would help somewhat with the financial situation, but to be honest I'm spinning so many plates at the moment that I don't feel I can cope with selling a car as well, and this is obviously lower priority than most things. Also I presumably can't sell it without her permission anyway, as it's her property.
...Ah, I've probably got a bunch of other things to ask, but it's gone 1am, I've got work in the morning, and this post is long enough already, so I'll wrap it up with one final question:
Question 5: Is there anyone I can talk to to really help me through all of this, and to take some of the administration away from me? Because in all honestly, I'm pretty lost, and I don't feel I can cope with sorting all of this (particularly given that, as mentioned, I'm working full time as well.) I'm pretty much constantly exhausted (staying up til gone 1am doesn't help...) and stressed out, and while I'm trying not to let that show to my parents, I could really use some help and guidance through all of this, so any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks.
