My wife looks like she has the beginnings of dementia and is also extremely jealous.

[bowlinggeoff]

Hello everyone. My name is Geoff. I am 77 years old and have been married to Kathleen for 57 years. We have one daughter, Samantha; 3 grandsons and their partners plus 3 great grandchildren. Sam lives about 3 miles away and the grandsons are fairly local. Kath's brother had Alzheimers disease and passed away 9 years ago. We were with him during his illness; resulting in him eventually going into a care home, where he passed away. Over the last 16 months or so, Samantha and I have noticed that Kath has gradually been showing signs of dementia -- short term memory has got worse. She has difficulty following story lines of her favourite characters in soaps on TV; or storylines; forgets daily ongoings of the family etc. She forgets to turn the bathroom taps off after a wash; forgets to screw tops on kitchen items and food. Her cooking skills have really worsened. When she eats, quite a lot of food spills from her mouth and spoils her clothing. She salivates a lot now from the side of her mouth. Kath has, unfortuantely, developed an extreme form of jealousy over the past 3 years, where she falsely believes that I am having an affair. This has caused a great deal of upset in our relationship. I am receiving support for this from a wellbeing nurse at our GP practice. Sam is aware of all these problems and gives me her full support.
Unfortunately, Kath refuses to go to our GP for either of the problems. I have spoken to our GP about this, who told me that, unless Kath agrees to talk to her GP, there is nothing ther can do, at the moment.
I have now decided to join this forum, at an early stage' and share my experiences with you. Both Sam and I know that Kath's dementia is going to get worse and I am prepared for a lot of what might happen, having experienced it with Kath's brother.
I think I can deal with most things apart from incontinence in the future.
I would welcome any support and advice that other members can offer me to assist me in the future.
GEOFF

 

[canary]

Hello Goeff and welcome to DTP.

I am sorry that your wife is now going through these problems too. Knowing what to expect with dementia is a bit of a two edged sword.

Its very common for people with dementia to both think their spouses are having affairs (I had this with OH) and also to refuse to go to the doctor about their memory. Could you write to her GP outlining all the problems you have noticed? Do include that she wont go to appointments about these problems. If you do that her GP will read the letter and then it will go into her file so that any doctor in the future who accesses her records will see it and know whats going on. Sometimes the GP is willing to book an appointment for "well woman" clinic which your wife might be willing to go to. Alternitively, is there something that your wife might be willing to see the doctor over (blood pressure, heart problems or arthritis?) and a memory test could be "piggy backed" onto it. BTW, If she does go to the doctors find some excuse to go in with her - my OH went for doctors appointments, didnt tell them the truth and then afterwards, told me the doctor had said things that he hadnt said at all.

 

[nae sporran]

Hullo and welcome to the forums from me too Geoff.
I can identify with the jealousy and however much it hurts am learning to let it pass. Good to see wellbeing nurse and your daughter are supporting you. If incontinence becomes a problem your GP can refer your wife for an assessment and free pads. That should make life a bit easier I hope.
Anyway, you will find support and advice here from others, so keep reading asking questions or just let off steam.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @bowlinggeoff and a welcome to Dementia Talking from me as well.
I'd go down the route that @canary suggested and write or email the GP with a bullet list of your concerns. I got the ball rolling for a diagnosis for my mother by piggy-backing another appointment. It took a while to get a diagnosis as first of all the GP didn't think there was a problem (mum has vascular dementia and at the time her short-term memory was OK) and then mum refused to go the memory clinic. In the end a psychiatrist visited her at home unannounced and diagnosed vascular dementia.
As well as keeping on trying to get your wife to the GP I'd look into what help might be available locally. Age UK have a help at home service in some areas. They don't do personal care, but it might be an idea to introduce someone to befriend your wife so that you can have some time to yourself and your wife gets used to other people being involved in her care.
This is a wonderfully friendly place and you'll get lots of advice and support here.

 

[bowlinggeoff]

Hello Goeff and welcome to DTP.

I am sorry that your wife is now going through these problems too. Knowing what to expect with dementia is a bit of a two edged sword.

Its very common for people with dementia to both think their spouses are having affairs (I had this with OH) and also to refuse to go to the doctor about their memory. Could you write to her GP outlining all the problems you have noticed? Do include that she wont go to appointments about these problems. If you do that her GP will read the letter and then it will go into her file so that any doctor in the future who accesses her records will see it and know whats going on. Sometimes the GP is willing to book an appointment for "well woman" clinic which your wife might be willing to go to. Alternitively, is there something that your wife might be willing to see the doctor over (blood pressure, heart problems or arthritis?) and a memory test could be "piggy backed" onto it. BTW, If she does go to the doctors find some excuse to go in with her - my OH went for doctors appointments, didnt tell them the truth and then afterwards, told me the doctor had said things that he hadnt said at all.

Hi and many thanks for your suggestions. I did, in fact, e-mail our surgery and an advanced practioner nurse ( she said that she specialised in dementia) arranged for Kath to see her on the pretext of checking her medications. Kath saw the nurse yesterday, but only for 15mins, some of which time was taken up taking bloods; blood pressure check and checking medications. The nurse reported that she had a chat with Kath and she showed no signs of cognitive impairment.( I have access to Kath's patient records) No reference was made to Kath's suspicions of another woman ; a memory test ; of her short term memory problems or behavioural problems, that I and our daughter have noticed in Kath. We are, therefore, going to continue as we have done; monitor Kath's behaviour and try to, eventually, get her to take a memory test. Many thanks once again for your suggestions, GEOFF

 

[Sarasa]

The GP thought my mum was fine @bowlinggeoff till my brother and I went to an appointment with her and managed to get her talking about all the things she thought the neighbours did. The look on the GP’s face as mum told him about the neighbours stealing her medication card to get her blood pressure tablets from the pharmacy was priceless. Maybe next time Kath needs a check up go along and try and nudge the conversation the way of your concerns. In the mean time just keeps diary of incidents so you have information to give the GP about what is happening. Nothing really got sorted for my mother till a meltdown in the doctor’s surgery showed the real extent of her problems.

 

[bowlinggeoff]

Hi Sarasa. Many thanks for your message. Re. attending our surgery with Kath,because of Covid, the procedure, at present is to ring the surgery and inform the receptionist of the problem. The receptionist informs the GP who is carrying out triage on that day; who then deals with the patient's complaint over the phone. A nurse can see a patient at the surgery, but on his/her own. Also, at present, Kath refuses to accept that she has a problem with all
of the various symptoms that she is displaying. She is a very stubborn lady !!!!
I am keeping a record of incidents, as you suggest. Many thanks once again. Cheers GEOFF

 

[Doubleexposure12]

Hi jeff i am sorry you and your wife are going through this i have been for about 3 years, i am noticing i am getting worse, i know what u mean as far as things not being put on our charts, they even take a memory test which i think i failed terribly and they said it is pretty good, i wish it was like that easy when i went to school. even my short term memory they say it is pretty good, i know it isnt, sometimes i even forget my grandaughters name how is your wifes stability as far as walking. Mine is starting to get a little wobbly, i get tired fast and sleep alot, not sure how your wife is, but if that happens it is quite normal.....Good luck and God bless