My sister wants to put my mum in a care home

[PererD]

Hello everyone!
My mum is 75 with middle stage Alzheimers and is being quite a handful at the moment. It's nothing I cannot handle but my older sister has had enough and cannot cope any more.

I currently live in Belfast and my sister and mum live in Sunderland. I fly over every Sunday to look after mum and fly back to Belfast on a Thursday when my sister takes over. We had mum in a care home for 8 months and she deteriated quite a lot she was gaunt, she lost weight and looked about 20 years older than she actually is. It's a long winded story but we had to go to court to actually get mum out of the home even though she was self funding.

My sister has had enough and says she cannot do it anymore and wants to send mum back albeit to a better home. I have told my sister that I am willing to take mum back to Belfast and she can live with me but she is now saying I cannot remove my mum from her jurisdiction, that I cannot remove my mum from her familiar surroundings and I cannot take her away from her siblings.

My argument is mum will be better cared for living with me, as I'm a chef she gets decent meals everyday I'm here we go out for walks and watch all the old TV shows and films together. We've seen what a care home done to mum the first time around and as for mums siblings only 1 of her brothers calls in twice a week for a few hours and her sister sees my mum once a month if that even though she's only a 15-20 minute walk away. Her other 2 bothers haven't seen her at all this year. Also I understand taking mum to Belfast will mean everything changes and she won't be in familiar surroundings but if she goes back into a care home then everything is going to be different for her anyway.
We both have power of attorney over mums health and finances but mum was put into a care home last time without my knowledge she was supposed to be going in for respite whi h lasted 9 months. Can I legally just take my mum out of her jurisdiction is my sister just saying that I can't? Surely being cared for by her son is better for her than a care home.

P.S sorry if my English and punctuation makes for hard reading it was never a strong subject of mine.

 

[Jessbow]

Its hard, sounds like you are doing your bit BUT Does Mum live with your sister currently?
if she does, unless she moves out for the three days you are there, she never gets a break, even though you do what you do.
Who will care for mum when you are at work? Chefs tend not to work 9-5, as you work pattern show- off 3 days a week every week. Who will attend to her personal care needs? (If not now, but its pretty likely that it wil happen)
I' with your sister- leave her where she is, but move her into a home, where she will be cared for 24/7. Dementia by definition will cause a decline- she isnt going to improve

 

[PererD]

Its hard, sounds like you are doing your bit BUT Does Mum live with your sister currently?
if she does, unless she moves out for the three days you are there, she never gets a break, even though you do what you do.
Who will care for mum when you are at work? Chefs tend not to work 9-5, as you work pattern show- off 3 days a week every week. Who will attend to her personal care needs? (If not now, but its pretty likely that it wil happen)
I' with your sister- leave her where she is, but move her into a home, where she will be cared for 24/7. Dementia by definition will cause a decline- she isnt going to improve

Hi Jessbow thanks for replying
My mum is in her own home and I gave up work to look after her, I fly back for belfast for 3 days as I have my children or else I would stay with mum the whole week. I help mum to get showered twice a week now as it is and fortunately mums still able to go to the toilet on her own however I've had to deal with a few accidents already. My mum's a wonderful lady who has had a hard life and all she's ever done is help her family, her parents, her siblings and her children. It seems like in my mum's hour of need everyone just wants to wash their hands with my mum.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @PererD and welcome to our supportive and friendly community. I am sorry to hear about your mum and the previous poor experience of a care home. My experience is that it doesn't have to be like that as the right home can actually mean an improvement in things like personal care and stimulation. That's different from saying that there'll be an improvement in your mum's condition. Dementia is a progressive illness so your mum will continue to decline, sadly.

I have no direct experience of moving someone from a place where they have lived to somewhere strange in a different country. However, it does seem likely that this would be disruptive and cause both additional confusion and anxiety.

You need to go into this after looking at the options available, bearing in mind that your mum's needs will grow to the extent that she will need care and support for 24 hours everyday. Would you be able to cope with that?

It might help to have a look around this site to see what others have done in similar situations. Admission to a care home is not the only option but can sometimes be the best way of ensuring that care needs are met. These links might be helpful:

Assessment for care and support in Northern Ireland

Read Northern Ireland-specific guidance for accessing care and support at home for people with dementia and carers.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Care homes: When is the right time and who decides?

Advice and practical tips for carers on when is the right time for a person to be moved to a care home.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Supporting a person in the later stages of dementia

The later stages of dementia can be a challenging time both for the person experiencing dementia and for those close to them. Find out what you can expect and where you can get help and support.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I'd think very carefully about this. How do your children feel about granny-with-dementia coming to live with you? It will have a massive impact on their lives as well as yours. Sadly, your mum will only get worse - there will be incontinence but also perhaps changes in behaviour. She may take a dislike to your children. Or you. She may decide she hates living with you and want to go home - what will you do then? Looking after her all the time is going to be a lot different from half the week as you do now, then handing over to your sister and getting a break for a few days.

But your sister is entitled to say she can't do her 'half' anymore so a solution must be found. She also has a point about the move to Belfast meaning no one else would be able to visit your mum. As you share Power of Attorney, it would help massively if you could come to an agreement between you. If you can't, the matter would have to be decided by the Court of Protection and the decision would be made 'in her Best Interests'. It's anyone's guess how that would go.

It's a very difficult situation. I can see why you see moving your mum in with you as the right way forwards but I don't think it's the simple solution you think it is. The most important thing is not to fall out with your sister over this - I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone.

 

[PererD]

Thank you @Northumbrian and @jadedfor your replies. I know its not a magical solution Im a bit all over the place as my sister is hell bent on putting mum back in a home. Mum still has the occasional moment of clarity like the other night i was watching tv and she came and stood in front of it, looked over her shoulder and chuckled because she knew what she was doing they are very far and few between but these are things i can hold on to. I just feel a homes not right for mum at this moment of time.

 

[Jessbow]

Hi Jessbow thanks for replying
My mum is in her own home and I gave up work to look after her, I fly back for belfast for 3 days as I have my children or else I would stay with mum the whole week. I help mum to get showered twice a week now as it is and fortunately mums still able to go to the toilet on her own however I've had to deal with a few accidents already. My mum's a wonderful lady who has had a hard life and all she's ever done is help her family, her parents, her siblings and her children. It seems like in my mum's hour of need everyone just wants to wash their hands with my mum.

If she has started with accidents....that wont improve.
Who has to shower her/clean her up when she has an accident? Will she wer pull ups to reduce the mess?

that may well beyour sisters line in the sand ( quite sensible one too)
In mums hour of need, sometimes the best thing you can do it give her 24 hour support, where her needs are met and she can have company .

How old are your children and what are you living circumstances? How will you earn money to sustain you all?