My Mum

[Ashleolucky]

Hi there, I'm new. My Mum has vascular dementia. My Dad is at breaking point, as she has become argumentative and he has to go upstairs to get away from her as it is pointless arguing back as she won't back down. It was their 56th Wedding Anniversary yesterday and it is heartbreaking as she was a nice, kind person before. My Dad won't hear of her going into care but I'm worried something bad is going to happen. I suffer from depression myself and live in a one bed flat and their house is too small for me to live in. I'd be grateful of any advice or supportive feedback anyone can offer. Thanks.

 

[Sweetsheep]

Hi Ashleolucky

Welcome to TP. I am sure you will find a lot of support in this forrum.

From my personal experience, my MIL lives with us and can get very argumentative. The trick is to just agree.....even if you don't! Trust me your Dad will feel a lot less frustrated if he can just keep on mind that it is the illness making her this way.

I sometimes sing "let it go" in my head, grit my teeth and move on. There is no point in trying to change the point of view of someone who has dementia.

It seems like your Dad is in need of some time out and there are a lot options besides a care home. There are companions, carers, day care centres etc. All these can give your Dad some time off. You don't say if your Dad has applied for attendance allowance. We use ours to have a companion come in 4 hours a week. MIL loves the different company too. She is a "friend" rather than a carer. And this is how we sold it to her to start with.

Also your Dad should be arranging respite care for himself...maybe he could go away for a few days and you stay with Mum to give him some time off. Or take her out on specified days to give Dad some time out.

Get Dad to join this forum and let him read up on all the other people in the same boat. It sometimes helps a lot.




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[Ashleolucky]

Hi Sweetsheep

Thanks so much for the advice it is really helpful, I'll show my dad what you've said. I've already sorted out the attendance allowance for Mum so I'll find out about sit in carers. I will practice agreeing lol! Yeah you're right there's no point in trying to reason with her, she makes me feel like I'm being so horrible to her! Thanks again for the support.


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[chris53]

Good evening Ashleolucky just wanted to offer a warm welcome to Talking Point, much support and understanding whenever needed,hope you get some practical help soon for mum and a much calmer and easier life for dad.
Chris X

 

[Agzy]

Hi there, I'm new. My Mum has vascular dementia. My Dad is at breaking point, as she has become argumentative and he has to go upstairs to get away from her as it is pointless arguing back as she won't back down. It was their 56th Wedding Anniversary yesterday and it is heartbreaking as she was a nice, kind person before. My Dad won't hear of her going into care but I'm worried something bad is going to happen. I suffer from depression myself and live in a one bed flat and their house is too small for me to live in. I'd be grateful of any advice or supportive feedback anyone can offer. Thanks.

Hi Ashleolicky, my OH has Alzheimer's and she too gets angry and argumentative and can be hurtful in her nastiness. As difficult as it is, like others I tend to agree with all she says but try to put of implementation as she will forget if placated but go on and on if not. I remember her psychiatrist telling me that I will end up with scars on my tongue by biting it to stop angry responses and boy was she right.

 

[Ashleolucky]

Hi Chris53

Thanks, Good Evening to you too. I really appreciate it. It helps to have people to talk to who understand.

Angie X


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[Ashleolucky]

Hi Agzy,

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. I guess I need to bite my tongue more. I've cried and shouted at her a lot lately and it's not helping! She's only been diagnosed a year. How long has your OH had alzheimers?


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[Cat27]

Hi Agzy,

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. I guess I need to bite my tongue more. I've cried and shouted at her a lot lately and it's not helping! She's only been diagnosed a year. How long has your OH had alzheimers?


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I think you will find this thread helpful. https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/sho...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[Ashleolucky]

Thank you so much Cat27, this is really helpful X


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