Mums increasing attachment to myself

[Irisivyclara722161]

Hi my mum is becoming more attached to myself by the day! She used to be fine at her flat when I dropped her back after a day out or if I was working but she now wants to come home with me!,
I’m now down to 2 1/2 days a week working so that I can take her out or visit but I’m running out of places to go especially this time of year
On the days I don’t visit she rings and asks where I’ve been and why haven’t I rung despite my brother visiting alternate days so that I can have a break
She refuses to go to a club unless I sit with her and I was called back to one as she wouldn’t settle
I feel so guilty when she’s crying and saying I don’t care about her which isn’t true at all,I just need space running a home,being with my husband, working and visiting friends
She constantly tells everyone she’s goes nowhere,sees no one and hates her flat and wants to move back to her 2bed house
I had a bit of a meltdown last weekend and I’ve been told by husband/brother not to do so much but I have “guilt” stamped on my forehead
Mum sees carers 3 times daily for washing and food prep so she’s not alone
I’m running out of ideas
Also she flatly refuses to go in a care facility even though I’m sure she’d benefit with having company
I’m at the end of my tether
Any suggestions 🙏

 

[canary]

Hello @Irisivyclara722161
Im afraid that people with dementia reach a stage when they become frightened of being on their own. They need someone with them 24/7 to direct and reassure them and they become increasingly attached to their main carer, often following them around in their home and phoning them when they are not there. Im afraid that your mum has lost empathy and can only see her own wants and desires. She is no longer able to understand that you have a life and commitments beside her.

I think that soon your mum will need to be in a care home whether she wants it or not, so I would start looking around to see what is available. In the meantime, wipe that guilt off your forehead, work out what you can (and more importantly, what you cannot) do and stick to it. Perhaps you could find a befriender to sit with her on days you cannot go.

 

[LesMis]

Hello @Irisivyclara722161
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this with your Mum. You are doing an amazing job of caring for her and putting care in place, as well as working and looking after your own family. My Mum was just like this. She would constantly ring me if I wasn't there, even when I'd been there all day she would ring at night saying she was scared or lonely or hadnt seen me. She also flatly refused care home. Like you I went part time at work to help more and felt SO guilty. It's not easy to take that guilty feeling away, but you are doing so much, and your Mum has lost the capacity to see things from others point of view. I'm sure she would not want you to be feeling like this. In my parents case Mum was actually the main carer for my Dad who had more advanced dementia. They were at home for far longer than they should have been, and I was exhausted and starting to ressent her needs. I was honest and told her that it was making me ill and I needed help and a rest, that I couldn't book a holiday or to see friends. She didn't like it and said I didn't care about her...but she did agree to try respite care eventually. We went to choose a care home for respite together and somehow she agreed - that we were like secret shoppers, testing it out to see how it was. I convinced her that she needed a break too, and this was like an all inclusive holiday. Respite can be a foot in the door to take away the fear of going into care. I'm not going to say it was straightforward from there because it wasn't, but they did end up going back to the same home permanently afterwards.
It was a long process. And I still feel guilty going to see her in care as she wants me there all the time and is tearful when I leave. But I know she is safe and always has company. You do need to prioritize your health and relationships however hard - put your own oxygen mask on so you can continue to support her. I wish you lots of luck with this and hope you know that you are doing an incredible job!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Irisivyclara722161

A time comes when whatever you give will never be enough and it seems the time has now come.

You have had excellent comments and advice so far and there`s no need for me to repeat what previous members @canary and @Sarah JG have said.

I want to add to those by responding to your comment

Mum sees carers 3 times daily for washing and food prep so she’s not alone

and ask you to calculate how many hours a day she is alone.

Probably too many for someone so needy.

When I was caring for my husband I had excellent carers support for 3 hours daily. Even with this, I was on my own with him and housebound for 21 hours a day.

 

[yoy]

Everything you have said and the previous contributors have said is spot on. We all know what it's like. I would just add - don't be afraid of the care home option. We all balk at it to start with - feelings of guilt, betrayal, failure etc etc - but I have found that my mum is so much better in herself now that she is in a place where there are people around all day. She seems more alert because she's watching what's going on, people coming and going, people stop to talk to her etc (yes, if it's the residents talking together they all have dementia so they can't work out what each other are saying, but they seem happy to have someone to talk to even so). Hang in there and keep hold of your sanity cos it's tough!

 

[Irisivyclara722161]

Hello @Irisivyclara722161
Im afraid that people with dementia reach a stage when they become frightened of being on their own. They need someone with them 24/7 to direct and reassure them and they become increasingly attached to their main carer, often following them around in their home and phoning them when they are not there. Im afraid that your mum has lost empathy and can only see her own wants and desires. She is no longer able to understand that you have a life and commitments beside her.

I think that soon your mum will need to be in a care home whether she wants it or not, so I would start looking around to see what is available. In the meantime, wipe that guilt off your forehead, work out what you can (and more importantly, what you cannot) do and stick to it. Perhaps you could find a befriender to sit with her on days you cannot go.

 

[Irisivyclara722161]

Thankyou all for your kind words and advise
We did try respite whilst we went away at a lovely carehome that I was hoping she would go to when the time comes
Unfortunately she refused to stay and my brother had to go and pick her up and take her back to her flat
I’ve tried cogs club but they rang to say she won’t settle
Was much as I don’t like the idea of a Care facility I know she would be happier with company and the carers attention
I’m taking her tomorrow to see a client of mine who is in a local care home so hopefully she’ll get used to visiting and might want to stay eventually……trying to be positive here!
I will take your advice and reiterate I can only do what I can do and stop beating myself with the guilty stick but its definitely hard especially when I’ve always been a soft touch!
It’s definitely heartbreaking
Thankyou all