Hi all...I’m new to this today and just looking for some advise & support really. My Mum has been accusing my brother of stealing for the past year & it’s got progressively worse to the point where he has recently stopped going in to try and break the cycle. In his absence she still calls him accusing him and asking him to return things and on a daily basis I go to see her and she tells me what he’s taken she’s so angry and upset with him and about it that it heart breaking. He is desperately upset being away from her. How should we handle this and should my brother try and see her again? Any advise would be a so appreciated
Mums accusations to my brother...
- Thread starter O&L
- Start date
Hello @O&L Welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
I feel for your brother. Somehow there is always one in the family who seems to be on the receiving end of false accusations caused by paranoia.
Do you think it would help if you ask your mother to list the items she believes your brother has taken. If she can and you can go to look for them, perhaps she`ll believe you if you tell her none of those items are with him.
These missing items must be somewhere. Another way may be to see if your mother has hidden them in `safe` places once you know what to look for.
I feel for your brother. Somehow there is always one in the family who seems to be on the receiving end of false accusations caused by paranoia.
Do you think it would help if you ask your mother to list the items she believes your brother has taken. If she can and you can go to look for them, perhaps she`ll believe you if you tell her none of those items are with him.
These missing items must be somewhere. Another way may be to see if your mother has hidden them in `safe` places once you know what to look for.
Hi @O&L, welcome to the forum. It is a difficult situation for all really, albeit not that uncommon. Are the items missing real or imagined? If the former then as @Grannie G suggests you could have a search of the property for them, they could be in very unusual places (I developed a methodology for searching Mum's for lost property!). However, it may well be that things have been thrown out in the rubbish or mislaid out of the house if Mum goes outside. If it is a small sum of money, you could simply replace it and 'find it' somewhere in the house. It is difficult as your Brother taking things from her is probably fixed in a loop in Mum's head - however, that may well pass and she will move on to other things. Do you get any support to help care with Mum or is she still quite self sufficient? All the best.
Hi @O&L , this is a great place for support and suggestions for help, I've found it invaluable over the last couple of years.
When she was still living at home mum became convinced things were being stolen. In her case she blamed the neighbours and was repeatedly banging on their door demanding they returned things She also phoned the police on various occasions and was convinced they were enacting 'hate crimes' against her. She would tell me what was missing and I'd try to find it. The trouble was that when I did find a missing item, a dress or a pair on sunglasses, she often didn't recognise it as hers.
Your mother may well move on to accusing someone else, but in the meantime no amount of telling her she is mistaken will work. We tried three approaches with my mum, my husband just said flat out, 'you are wrong, nothing has been stolen.' I tried logic 'In any given situation the simplest explanation is the most likely, therefore it is more likely that you've hidden or thrown that thing away rather than the neighbours, who do not have a key, sneaked in when you weren't looking and took them. The only one that sort of worked, was that of my brother, who treated her like his dog, and offered her a treat to break her from the loop of repeated accusations.
In the end mum's behaviour meant she was no longer save living alone, and she is now in a care home. Does your mother have help coming in?
When she was still living at home mum became convinced things were being stolen. In her case she blamed the neighbours and was repeatedly banging on their door demanding they returned things She also phoned the police on various occasions and was convinced they were enacting 'hate crimes' against her. She would tell me what was missing and I'd try to find it. The trouble was that when I did find a missing item, a dress or a pair on sunglasses, she often didn't recognise it as hers.
Your mother may well move on to accusing someone else, but in the meantime no amount of telling her she is mistaken will work. We tried three approaches with my mum, my husband just said flat out, 'you are wrong, nothing has been stolen.' I tried logic 'In any given situation the simplest explanation is the most likely, therefore it is more likely that you've hidden or thrown that thing away rather than the neighbours, who do not have a key, sneaked in when you weren't looking and took them. The only one that sort of worked, was that of my brother, who treated her like his dog, and offered her a treat to break her from the loop of repeated accusations.
In the end mum's behaviour meant she was no longer save living alone, and she is now in a care home. Does your mother have help coming in?
Accusations of stealing are so common, they are almost diagnostic in dementia.
It was when my mum started accusing an old and very dear friend of hers of stealing from her that I woke up and suddenly realised that mum had dementia. She also accused her ex cleaner of stealing and I changed all the locks in an effort to show her that no one could get in, but she was convinced that they were getting in through the letter box!!!
You cant argue with dementia. People stealing from her was a recurring theme all the while she lived at home. Her ex cleaner was stealing from her, her old friend was stealing from her, the children who went to the school above her made a noise on the stairs and came in and stole from her (in reality she lived in a bungalow), and ,eventually, I was stealing from her too and she wouldnt let me in.
It was terribly upsetting and was only resolved once mum moved to a care home, Im afraid, but her old friend kept in touch and continued to visit her.
It was when my mum started accusing an old and very dear friend of hers of stealing from her that I woke up and suddenly realised that mum had dementia. She also accused her ex cleaner of stealing and I changed all the locks in an effort to show her that no one could get in, but she was convinced that they were getting in through the letter box!!!
You cant argue with dementia. People stealing from her was a recurring theme all the while she lived at home. Her ex cleaner was stealing from her, her old friend was stealing from her, the children who went to the school above her made a noise on the stairs and came in and stole from her (in reality she lived in a bungalow), and ,eventually, I was stealing from her too and she wouldnt let me in.
It was terribly upsetting and was only resolved once mum moved to a care home, Im afraid, but her old friend kept in touch and continued to visit her.
Sorry I’ve not really got the hang of this but just logged back in and seen all of your reply’s...that means the world to me so thanks for the warm welcome and taking time to write. Some things missing are real and some are not but there seems to be no solution as even if I find the missing items she will say they are not the ones that she meant. I have tried to reason with her using logic but she gets angry and I need to be careful not to push her away so I’ve taken to just offering her comfort and changing the subject. It was interesting to read about changing the locks as I’d considered that to offer her some reassurance but can fully understand that she will just find another way to explain that he’s getting in. She still lives alone and manages to clean herself and the house at the moment and I support her with shopping, financial affairs and things she can’t manage anymore...its the “stealing” that’s the most difficult part to handle right now but your words have helped so thank you...
Hi @O&L just thought I would reply as well, my mum lives alone and basically I get the stuff your brother does, I think the subject change often works as does getting away if anxiety levels are too high, would only add that I appreciate that it's hard not to take it personally but that in time it will likely change to someone else or some other obsession so have to bear with her. Its hard to not take it personally but it's a symptom of her condition. I found as silly as it sounds that when the accusatory stuff happens that if I envisaged it as the same as her say having a headache or feeling nauseous that I would be able to treat it differently, an offer of a cuppa for example rather than trying to deny or prove my innocence is received much better. I have said, "oh gosh you are right, sorry I borrowed it and will bring it back next time" when it comes to items, with missing money I still find it difficult tbh but saying something along the lines of "sorry I must have picked it up by mistake, I'll give it you back next time" seems to be better received.
As others have said, it's unlikely you will be able to break the fixation, but going along with it is likely to work better than trying to argue against it. Your mum often mislays things or doesn't recognise the things she has, and she knows 'something is wrong' and wants to lay the blame on someone.
I thought you might find this link helpful in terms of how best to communicate with her.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
I thought you might find this link helpful in terms of how best to communicate with her.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
