Mum refuses to see me

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
Hello, so I am very upset and really don’t know what to do? My mother has dementia and it’s very moderate. She has been refusing to see me since she went into the care home and the care home has me on their list and wont allow me into the care home either? They don’t seem to have any empathy with me neither are they working with my mum to help her with this. Bearing in mind mum’s dementia is bad, every time I am refused entry to see her, I lose more chances to work with her trying to make the most of what time we have left? She is non capacity of health already and is very confused my daughter says. I really don’t know where to go or who to ask for help? I’ve tried asking the POA to move my mother elsewhere, somewhere where they aren’t so rigid in letting me see my mum? I’m heartbroken and fear I won’t see her again!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,048
0
South coast
Hello @Foggyheart
That must be very upsetting for you. Do you know why your mum is refusing to see you? Is it the POA who has asked the care home to refuse you entry?
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
Hello @Foggyheart
That must be very upsetting for you. Do you know why your mum is refusing to see you? Is it the POA who has asked the care home to refuse you entry?
Hi, I don’t know why mum is refusing to see me and it’s the care home itself who is refusing me entry .
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,710
0
Midlands
Have you had any run is, or disagreements with the care home over anything?

When did they stop you going in? Your daughter still goes? Other people?
 

JoannePat

Registered User
Jan 24, 2019
209
0
Hi @Foggyheart this is a really upsetting time for you. Have you tried to have a meeting with the CH, face to face is often the best way to deal with things. If one of the managers can explain things to you it might help. Take notes or take someone with you, as so often we come away from these meetings and can't remember what has been said.

Jxx
 

Rayreadynow

Registered User
Dec 31, 2023
280
0
The POA can only stop you seeing the donee if there is a genuine safety reason. Request in writing from the care home why they are stopping entry.
 

amIinthewrong?

Registered User
Jan 24, 2024
110
0
I'm sorry this is happening to you my mum was the same, when she was in hospital refused to see me and the hospital was enabling that, so I asked the receptionist what should I do then, she said to stop calling and don't visit, I was really hurt and upset but I decided to let them get on with it. Because if I had gone in at that time there would have just been more upset, she has now gone into a care home for rehablition, I don't know what is going to happen after that, she probably does not want to speak to me now either because she blames me for where she is at currently, what I'm trying to say is even if you managed to get in to see her in the current situation now it is going to be upsetting for you, I don't feel you have done anything wrong, it is just the condition speaking and acting.Do you think it would be best for you're daughter to update you on her condition and well being, till your mother decides to let you in again this will give you some time to think and to rest. Also I think any care home can say no to someone visiting if their resident does not want to see them sadly.Wishing that this situation passes fast so you get the chances to bond with your mum💐💐💐💐 oh btw when the hospital situation was happening two weeks later my mum phoned me up asking if I can bring her in some diet coke.
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
Have you had any run is, or disagreements with the care home over anything?

When did they stop you going in? Your daughter still goes? Other people?
Hi, i have no run ins or disagreements with the home at all? My sister (who I really don’t get on with, lives in the same town, and I think she may have something to do with this, but not sure?) They stopped me going almost straight away, as soon as mum was accepted there! My sister goes as does my daughter and son who both have POA.
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
I'm sorry this is happening to you my mum was the same, when she was in hospital refused to see me and the hospital was enabling that, so I asked the receptionist what should I do then, she said to stop calling and don't visit, I was really hurt and upset but I decided to let them get on with it. Because if I had gone in at that time there would have just been more upset, she has now gone into a care home for rehablition, I don't know what is going to happen after that, she probably does not want to speak to me now either because she blames me for where she is at currently, what I'm trying to say is even if you managed to get in to see her in the current situation now it is going to be upsetting for you, I don't feel you have done anything wrong, it is just the condition speaking and acting.Do you think it would be best for you're daughter to update you on her condition and well being, till your mother decides to let you in again this will give you some time to think and to rest. Also I think any care home can say no to someone visiting if their resident does not want to see them sadly.Wishing that this situation passes fast so you get the chances to bond with your mum💐💐💐💐 oh btw when the hospital situation was happening two weeks later my mum phoned me up asking if I can bring her in some diet coke.
Thank you for your reply. When this was put in place at the hospital I did not know and was still going to see her and we were getting on really well? And I think the care home have acted on it when they took over her care? But it’s their lack of empathy or trying to find out from mum if they can improve things, but I guess they can’t have the time? They just were so cold to me and I have no clue how this ****** illness plays out. They just left me outside crying . I hope I get the chance to see her, but also I think the person I knew as “mum” has gone and the care home has taken away those four months from me as she is even worse now. It’s all so ****! This time last year there were only hints of her dementia, she has progressed so fast 😫
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
Hi @Foggyheart this is a really upsetting time for you. Have you tried to have a meeting with the CH, face to face is often the best way to deal with things. If one of the managers can explain things to you it might help. Take notes or take someone with you, as so often we come away from these meetings and can't remember what has been said.

Jxx
I have emailed the care home about what has happened, they just repeat that I cant go in and if they ask mum and she says “no” then that’s it. The journey to the CH is 1 1/2 hours. They have posted links about the effects of dementia and that is it. I could ask for a meeting but I am not very hopeful.
Thank you for your reply
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
The POA can only stop you seeing the donee if there is a genuine safety reason. Request in writing from the care home why they are stopping entry.
They have me on a “banned list” and so I am not allowed in ? Apparently my mother said she didn’t want me to visit when she was in hospital which no one knew about!
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
The POA can only stop you seeing the donee if there is a genuine safety reason. Request in writing from the care home why they are stopping entry.
They have me on a “banned list” and so I am not allowed in ? Apparently my mother said she didn’t want me to visit when she was in hospital which no one knew about me
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,033
0
You say that your son and daughter have POA along with your sister. Have you spoken to your son and daughter? What's their take on this? Could they intervene?
 

amIinthewrong?

Registered User
Jan 24, 2024
110
0
Thank you for your reply. When this was put in place at the hospital I did not know and was still going to see her and we were getting on really well? And I think the care home have acted on it when they took over her care? But it’s their lack of empathy or trying to find out from mum if they can improve things, but I guess they can’t have the time? They just were so cold to me and I have no clue how this ****** illness plays out. They just left me outside crying . I hope I get the chance to see her, but also I think the person I knew as “mum” has gone and the care home has taken away those four months from me as she is even worse now. It’s all so ****! This time last year there were only hints of her dementia, she has progressed so fast 😫
From my point of view and this is what the hospital staff/nurses have said, to me is they are so used to seeing family members misuse the relative, who is in hospital for example "stealing from them". That they have to use "safegarding" if they have any "suspicion" and to deny the person from seeing the paitent. If the patient doesnt want to see them.

My mum because she had a stroke accused me of stealing from her and that is what brought on the animosity, they had also asked her if she wanted to go into a carehome, without asking me to be there with her even though they said, they would include me in with important decisions.

From what I have read about dementia is sometimes, the person who has it tends to get it into their mind that a loved one, has done something "wrong" to them and they truly believe that,and then they tell other people and those tend to believe them, and put in the suspicions to the hospital staff or care home staff and then things like not being able to see or visit you're family member happen.

When this happens, I understand about them"safeguarding" their patients/residents but why they can't be more transparent, like for example such and such has accused you of doing this,and that is why we are obligated to not allow you to see them, until we have spoken to the authorities and gathered evidence. Instead of just saying your guilty till proven other wise is beyond me.

Also yes they could have been more understanding and give some compassion even if they are "busy" I don't think it would hurt them to just type a valid reason in a email to you as to why you can't go in, it would save all this time and worrying, and yes it's horrible that you are being treated this way and not being told why and to have to chase around for an answer when they could just tell you instead of defecting, I hope this gets resolved fast for you, I know how upsetting not knowing is and not being allowed to see the person you care about, you have my condolences and best wishes💐💐
 
Last edited:

Oxfordshire

New member
Sep 22, 2023
5
0
Hi, i have no run ins or disagreements with the home at all? My sister (who I really don’t get on with, lives in the same town, and I think she may have something to do with this, but not sure?) They stopped me going almost straight away, as soon as mum was accepted there! My sister goes as does my daughter and son who both have POA.

Therein lies your answer - your family need to be open with you about why your Mum won’t see you, and why the care home have you on a “banned list”

Dementia is a cruel and horrible illness which does make people behave in a way that seems irrational to others at times, but they should be able to tell you the reasons that your mum gives
 

NickP

Registered User
Feb 23, 2021
115
0
My mother in law has behaved in a similar way - she has got it in her head that I want to steal her money (I have PoA and she no longer understands what this means), my husband (her son) is trying to harm her to get to her money (this could not be further from the truth) and her other son steals from her when he comes over from America and boasts about it to the family. None of us can visit (she is still in her own home). When my husband was going she would scream & rage, and he was worried a neighbour would call the police. It's very sad but seems quite common. Others (outside the family) believe her - "my sons are dreadful - one wants me dead so he can have my money & the other one steals from me" sounds very plausible.
I would certainly try to get more information from the care home about why your mum has said she doesn't want to see you. There's probably not much to be done but at least you would know.
It's so hard - thinking of you.
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
My mother in law has behaved in a similar way - she has got it in her head that I want to steal her money (I have PoA and she no longer understands what this means), my husband (her son) is trying to harm her to get to her money (this could not be further from the truth) and her other son steals from her when he comes over from America and boasts about it to the family. None of us can visit (she is still in her own home). When my husband was going she would scream & rage, and he was worried a neighbour would call the police. It's very sad but seems quite common. Others (outside the family) believe her - "my sons are dreadful - one wants me dead so he can have my money & the other one steals from me" sounds very plausible.
I would certainly try to get more information from the care home about why your mum has said she doesn't want to see you. There's probably not much to be done but at least you would know.
It's so hard - thinking of you.
Thank you for your reply, I will ask
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
Therein lies your answer - your family need to be open with you about why your Mum won’t see you, and why the care home have you on a “banned list”

Dementia is a cruel and horrible illness which does make people behave in a way that seems irrational to others at times, but they should be able to tell you the reasons that your mum gives
I will ask the care home why she won’t see me. Thank you for replying
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
From my point of view and this is what the hospital staff/nurses have said, to me is they are so used to seeing family members misuse the relative, who is in hospital for example "stealing from them". That they have to use "safegarding" if they have any "suspicion" and to deny the person from seeing the paitent. If the patient doesnt want to see them.

My mum because she had a stroke accused me of stealing from her and that is what brought on the animosity, they had also asked her if she wanted to go into a carehome, without asking me to be there with her even though they said, they would include me in with important decisions.

From what I have read about dementia is sometimes, the person who has it tends to get it into their mind that a loved one, has done something "wrong" to them and they truly believe that,and then they tell other people and those tend to believe them, and put in the suspicions to the hospital staff or care home staff and then things like not being able to see or visit you're family member happen.

When this happens, I understand about them"safeguarding" their patients/residents but why they can't be more transparent, like for example such and such has accused you of doing this,and that is why we are obligated to not allow you to see them, until we have spoken to the authorities and gathered evidence. Instead of just saying your guilty till proven other wise is beyond me.

Also yes they could have been more understanding and give some compassion even if they are "busy" I don't think it would hurt them to just type a valid reason in a email to you as to why you can't go in, it would save all this time and worrying, and yes it's horrible that you are being treated this way and not being told why and to have to chase around for an answer when they could just tell you instead of defecting, I hope this gets resolved fast for you, I know how upsetting not knowing is and not being allowed to see the person you care about, you have my condolences and best wishes💐💐
Thank you so much for your reply. I will email the care home and try to get some answers. It’s really difficult 😥
 

Foggyheart

Registered User
Jan 16, 2024
15
0
Hi, so I have emailed the care home and got the answer that as long as mum keeps saying that she doesn’t want to see me, then they can’t let me in. My daughter and som who both have POA can’t do anything either.
What I do want to ask is, I have asked my daughter several times to help me and she just wont do it? All i want her to do is just gently ask mum why and then let me know? Or when she sees my mum to pop me in the conversation now and then so she doesn’t forget me, which maybe too late? But my daughter doesn’t want to discuss this at all and gets angry with me and says I am “putting her in the middle” and “it’s unfair on her” ? I really don’t understand this and I am struggling to put it together in my head ? She is the only one who can help? Am I doing something wrong?
 

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