Hi Jean
Mum went into a CH about the same time that your mum did and its not easy is it? I can certainly relate to your feelings that it is horrible to have to sort out their possessions while they are still alive
Asking to "go home" is very, very common in dementia and quite often they dont mean their old home at all - they mean a place and/or time when they felt safe and not confused. If you ask her to tell you about home you may even find its not a real place at all. The fact that she used to want to go home even when she
was in her own home rather points to that.
Have you asked the carer workers in her CH what she is like when you are not there? So often they are fine and settled normally, but seeing someone they recognise from their past will often trigger the desire to go home.
Hang on in there and keep reminding yourself that she is safe, clean, fed and cared for where she is. As for your family - I dont see them doing anything for your mum, so why should you take the flack?
Hi Canary, no it isn't easy at all. Sometimes I talk to her and she seems as clear as anything, but the stories I heard over the year that she was in her home without dad made me realise that a lot of the time she doing things that wasn't safe, wasn't washing etc.
I phoned her today, after 2 weeks of not calling her as last time she had a hissy fit at me when I reminded her that her house was let out and she couldn't go back home. I just don't want to call her. I am getting more and more depressed myself over her. Anyway, I called her today, only to have her to talk quite clearly to me about the house being rented and that she felt 'out of the loop' and that she had wanted to get some things from there :-( She does know where home is at the moment - she can tell you where everything is in that house (although most of the stuff she had moved from it's place and couldn't find anymore).
When I flew over to clear out the house to make it ready for renting, I had just over 3 weeks to clear out a fully jam packed 3 bedroom home, on my own. I was advised by people not to take her home there to 'help' me sort through stuff as what happened if she wouldn't leave? Plus, at that point she had only been in the home for a month and of course wasn't settled.
I can't change what's happened but I'm beginning to wish I'd left her there to fend for herself, but she was making a neighbour's life a bit of a nightmare and phoning people to do things for her etc.
Her cousins who are her closest relatives - one lives an hour drive away, the other is just around the corner, but they all feel ' she has a daughter' to look after her and don't want the hassle of her.
If I had my own kids, or a high profile career, they wouldn't be so judgmental I don't think, but because I only have a partner, a job and a mortgage in NZ, I am expected to give it all up to come home to look after her. As though my life doesn't matter.
I think she starts getting verbal when she's talking to me or someone she knows and plays the victim. She sounds very convincing and in control at times and I'm sure that's why people think there's not much wrong with her. She seems to be able to 'hold' it together for certain people. I know in the home though that would see what she's like and like I said people have told me things about her when she was home. The doctors fear was she would fall down the stairs - my fear was her setting herself/the house on fire and also someone breaking in and doing something to her. As it was I was told of an intruder that had gone in asking for money - luckily nothing happened to her then, and the police were eventually called after he'd gone.
I have decided I am not going to phone her every week. She is still controlling my life even now I'm in my 50s! I feel sad that I can't phone her and have a nice talk to her - I miss her, but I am miserable every time I come off the phone. It's making me more and more depressed. I've also decided that when I do phone to keep it really short and as soon as she starts going on about going home, I'll make an excuse and exit.
I am really struggling with it all and don't know what to do but no matter what I do, no-one is going to be happy with me.