Mum keeps forgetting where she had put something seconds after putting it there, then goes crazy looking for it.

Gee7

Registered User
Aug 28, 2023
73
0
I wonder if you can help. Things are getting out of control. Her purse: Only two places it usually is. I show her. We discuss it, I get her to repeat the two places where it lives (her bag or the top drawer). Literally 5-10 seconds later, she is saying she can't find it. She takes it out from either place, then puts it somewhere else, then goes CRAZY trying to find it, saying that someone has taken it. This is happening on an ever increasing loop. It's non-stop. She's lost her keys also and they can't be found and she gets very panicky and agitated. Really don't know what to do.
 

Collywobbles

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
288
0
At this point, you’re probably looking at medication to help her keep calmer. Quietly ask her GP to invite her in for a “general health check”, explaining what you’re seeing. Hopefully they will be able to help.
 

Gee7

Registered User
Aug 28, 2023
73
0
At this point, you’re probably looking at medication to help her keep calmer. Quietly ask her GP to invite her in for a “general health check”, explaining what you’re seeing. Hopefully they will be able to help.
Thank you. We are seeing a Geriatrician next week - with a view to looking at meds for dementia. I'll see if we can gently include this.
 

cymbid

Registered User
Jan 3, 2024
70
0
We are at present searching for 2 lost debit cards (with their numbers) Since cancelled and reordered. New card arrived and was promptly filed with her covid vaccination letters. Cue, me frantically searching and thinking id have to reorder again. Letters get misfiled or binned. Am thinking of taking her cards from her and redirecting all mail. She phones and asks where things are often
 

Gee7

Registered User
Aug 28, 2023
73
0
We are at present searching for 2 lost debit cards (with their numbers) Since cancelled and reordered. New card arrived and was promptly filed with her covid vaccination letters. Cue, me frantically searching and thinking id have to reorder again. Letters get misfiled or binned. Am thinking of taking her cards from her and redirecting all mail. She phones and asks where things are often
Think I'm going to go for this. https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/resea...:text=What is Sibstar?,that money can be used.
 

Collywobbles

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
288
0
Thank you. We are seeing a Geriatrician next week - with a view to looking at meds for dementia. I'll see if we can gently include this.
Maybe you could email them in advance giving details, explaining that it would upset your Mum to hear you say it? That might prompt more specific questions in the actual session.
 

Collywobbles

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
288
0
Am thinking of taking her cards from her and redirecting all mail.
Does she ever need to actually use the cards? Could you keep her ‘live’ cards yourself, and give her e.g. expired unusable ones, used gift cards or expired store cards? That would give her something to hide around the place as she seems to need to, and remove the need to panic about it.

My Mum never tried to use her cards, but in the early days was fixated on keeping them “safe”, being constantly convinced that someone had stolen them. Her chequebook once turned up in the saucepan cupboard, six months after a ‘burglar’ had broken in and stolen it…
 

Gee7

Registered User
Aug 28, 2023
73
0
Maybe you could email them in advance giving details, explaining that it would upset your Mum to hear you say it? That might prompt more specific questions in the actual session.
Thanks - Yes the main I thing I discussed with them is please not to use the 'D' word as this is very triggering for my Mum. We need to approach from a view of short term memory loss. But the intensity of this latest confusion and suspicion is fairly recent. Yes, it would be good to give them a heads up about this too.
 

Gee7

Registered User
Aug 28, 2023
73
0
Does she ever need to actually use the cards? Could you keep her ‘live’ cards yourself, and give her e.g. expired unusable ones, used gift cards or expired store cards? That would give her something to hide around the place as she seems to need to, and remove the need to panic about it.

My Mum never tried to use her cards, but in the early days was fixated on keeping them “safe”, being constantly convinced that someone had stolen them. Her chequebook once turned up in the saucepan cupboard, six months after a ‘burglar’ had broken in and stolen it…
Good point. Thanks..
 

Gee7

Registered User
Aug 28, 2023
73
0
Thanks all for responding all. The main trouble at the moment is dealing with her deep distress and paranoia. This now seems to be happening on a daily basis. I try not to countenance her paranoia and delusion, explaining very clearly that no is coming into the flat and moving stuff around, the carer isn't hiding stuff - that she is moving stuff then forgetting she has moved it. Then she says that I'm accusing her, the she isn't losing her mind. I just don't know what the right approach is.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,344
0
Nottinghamshire
I had exactly the same problem with my mum @Gee7. I mum's case she was convinced it was the neighbours and being an assertive woman she'd be banging on their door demanding her false teeth back or calling the police about it. They sent out a community officer to try and convince my mum not to engage with them, but that didn't really work.
You could try Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired techniques. It didn't always work, but it was better than my husband's approach or telling mum she was wrong or mine of trying to use Occam's Razor, the idea that when there are two choices more likely explanation is true. Therefore was it more likely that someone got into mum's flat through the wall sight unseen to take something or mum moved it and then couldn't remember where she put it. My brother's technique of let' have a glass of wine and put a nice film on TV worked marginally better.
 

Gee7

Registered User
Aug 28, 2023
73
0
I had exactly the same problem with my mum @Gee7. I mum's case she was convinced it was the neighbours and being an assertive woman she'd be banging on their door demanding her false teeth back or calling the police about it. They sent out a community officer to try and convince my mum not to engage with them, but that didn't really work.
You could try Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired techniques. It didn't always work, but it was better than my husband's approach or telling mum she was wrong or mine of trying to use Occam's Razor, the idea that when there are two choices more likely explanation is true. Therefore was it more likely that someone got into mum's flat through the wall sight unseen to take something or mum moved it and then couldn't remember where she put it. My brother's technique of let' have a glass of wine and put a nice film on TV worked marginally better.
Hi Sarasa, thank you! I love the link. It's so hard to act with that balanced compassion in the moment I find. When my Mum is adamant that someone has stolen her keys (I found them under a cushion last time) and that the locks need to be changed. But it's practise I guess. I will be putting into action the Compassionate Comms as much as poss. Things just feel very raw right now. I'm trying not to indulge in a pity party! But it's the joys of being an only child.. Really appreciate you taking the time.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,044
0
Kent
I'm trying not to indulge in a pity party!

This is the place to indulge @Gee7.

It`s no fun being an only child and having sole responsibility for an ailing parent.

Saying that, there are too many adult children on this forum who have siblings who opt out and refuse to share the caring.
 

cymbid

Registered User
Jan 3, 2024
70
0
This is the place to indulge @Gee7.

It`s no fun being an only child and having sole responsibility for an ailing parent.

Saying that, there are too many adult children on this forum who have siblings who opt out and refuse to share the caring.
I often wonder if I dont do enough. My brother lives just round the corner from mum. He does her shopping and calls in most days , even if its just to collect some tools from the garage (hes a mechanic) She says he never has any news and wont have a cup of tea.... (never pleased) I visit once a week (im 80 miles away) do her paperwork and sit and chat with her for maybe 3 hours (tho conversation is getting more one sided , and we do discuss the same things every time) I cannot tell you how much i appreciate my brother being the constant presence .... doing all the heavy lifting of every day checking . I feel i do so little . She doesnt appreciate him . I think hes wonderful
 

epnich

New member
Nov 24, 2023
7
0
I wonder if you can help. Things are getting out of control. Her purse: Only two places it usually is. I show her. We discuss it, I get her to repeat the two places where it lives (her bag or the top drawer). Literally 5-10 seconds later, she is saying she can't find it. She takes it out from either place, then puts it somewhere else, then goes CRAZY trying to find it, saying that someone has taken it. This is happening on an ever increasing loop. It's non-stop. She's lost her keys also and they can't be found and she gets very panicky and agitated. Really don't know what to do.
Hi
My mother too has an obsession with her handbag and keys and many times in the day checks the contents. When her bag isn't beside her she continuously asks where is my handbag. I've attached her keys inside the bag on the key loop and then the bag goes over her shoulder so whether sitting or walking its attached to her. Hope this helps xx
 

DaftDad

Registered User
Apr 8, 2024
64
0
Hi Sarasa, thank you! I love the link. It's so hard to act with that balanced compassion in the moment I find. When my Mum is adamant that someone has stolen her keys (I found them under a cushion last time) and that the locks need to be changed. But it's practise I guess. I will be putting into action the Compassionate Comms as much as poss. Things just feel very raw right now. I'm trying not to indulge in a pity party! But it's the joys of being an only child.. Really appreciate you taking the time.
My Dad told an OT who'd gone to assess him that his wallet, bus pass and phone had been stolen the day before when someone helped him to the bank. Of course, she reported it to me. She said she wasn't allowed to go searching around the house for his items and so I dropped work and went over. Long story short, his wallet (with bus pass) was in his trouser pocket (the pair he was wearing) and his phone was on his dressing table. He still insisted he'd been mugged. He didn't recognise the wallet as his own, nor his bus pass.

It's very frustrating, keep sharing your feelings here, it's a good place to vent and receive genuine sympathy and empathy.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,044
0
Kent
I think hes wonderful
I hope you tell him.

Living 80 miles away doesn`t bode well for frequent visits. I`m sure you do as much as you can without disrupting your life completely. We are not expected to do that.
 

Gee7

Registered User
Aug 28, 2023
73
0
This is the place to indulge @Gee7.

It`s no fun being an only child and having sole responsibility for an ailing parent.

Saying that, there are too many adult children on this forum who have siblings who opt out and refuse to share the caring.
I hear that.
 

Gee7

Registered User
Aug 28, 2023
73
0
My Dad told an OT who'd gone to assess him that his wallet, bus pass and phone had been stolen the day before when someone helped him to the bank. Of course, she reported it to me. She said she wasn't allowed to go searching around the house for his items and so I dropped work and went over. Long story short, his wallet (with bus pass) was in his trouser pocket (the pair he was wearing) and his phone was on his dressing table. He still insisted he'd been mugged. He didn't recognise the wallet as his own, nor his bus pass.

It's very frustrating, keep sharing your feelings here, it's a good place to vent and receive genuine sympathy and empathy.
Thank you. It's just soo hard sometimes, to retain your own sanity and breaks my heart to know that my Mum, even now, will be endlessly searching her flat in distress and torment. I hope maybe there might be some medication that can help calm her.