Mum’s seeing people that aren’t there….help!

[Jen H]

So Mums been seeing people that aren’t really there for a good few months now. She is also ‘dating’ a man, who just happens the be the Yorkshire vet, Julian. He now ‘lives’ in her house and they share a bed. All was going well until yesterday when they had an argument. This then rolled into today where she’s told me he’s been cheating on her and sleeping with other women in her bed. He’s also stealing money and using her phone as well as not letting her watch what she wants on TV and putting a GPS and hiding money in her watch….. so mums asked me to call my brother as he’s the only one that will be able to get this man to leave the house permanently. My brother is coming around shortly but other than pretending to go through evicting this man, is there anything else we can do so mum can believe that he and his friends are gone from her house?

When she interacts with him, she is talking to the book she has of him, that has Julians picture on the front. So do we get rid of the book as well?
Any other ideas of how to deal with this??
We’ve tried hiding the book but she panics as to where it is and won’t let up until we ‘find’ it again.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @JenH, that is a tricky one. I'd agree about evicting Julian. Maybe hide the books for a while and see if that is what is triggering her upset. Maybe also make sure she isn't watching anything on TV that could set her off. It didn't really happen with my mum as she watched very little TV, but I do know that some people with dementia mix up TV with real life, and it sounds like your mum might have mixed up Julian with some other programme she was watching.
Does your mum live with you? If she is still in her own place it may be time to get more help in or start considering a care home.

 

[nitram]

Have a read through

How can dementia change a person's perception?

People with dementia experience changes in how they perceive things. This includes misperceptions and misidentifications, hallucinations, delusions and time-shifting.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Are the medics fully aware of the situation, it may be time for a medication review?

 

[canary]

My mum was one of these people who thought pictures and stuff she saw on TV was real and was actually happening in her home. At this stage I had to severely censer what she watched. The news upset her terribly as she thought that all sorts of terrible things were happening in her home and she thought the people in the soaps were all living in her home and having arguments all the time. Even watching nature programs could upset her - she once thought there was a big snake slithering around her home.

The things that your mum is saying do sound very much like a soap plot. People with dementia frequently think that people are stealing from them (its so common that its almost diagnostic). It does seem very likely to me that your mum thinks that the picture of the vet is real, that things going on on the TV are actually happening in her home and her brain has cobbled this altogether along with a conviction that things are being stolen (and perhaps an inability to work the TV remote properly now too) to form a narrative that makes sense to her, even though it bears no relation to reality (a process called confabulation).

If mum was not upset by her confabulations I just used to make neutral noises like - well, well .......... you dont say ........... I would have like to have seen that .......... etc. As your mum is upset, though, you will have to enter her reality and come up with a solution that fits her narrative. I would suggest that either you or your brother get the book and speak very firmly to the picture, telling him that he cant go on upsetting your mum and you want him out. Then remove the book and start checking on what she is watching on TV - I bet she is watching the soaps, or perhaps love island!

 

[Jen H]

Sadly yes the Gp is aware. They just said it’s normal for Alzheimer’s, but I’ve pushed until they are now doing a full check up, with blood tests, urine samples, poo samples etc. So hopefully that will tell us if there’s something more going on or if it’s as they believe and things are just deteriorating.

 

[Jayn]

So Mums been seeing people that aren’t really there for a good few months now. She is also ‘dating’ a man, who just happens the be the Yorkshire vet, Julian. He now ‘lives’ in her house and they share a bed. All was going well until yesterday when they had an argument. This then rolled into today where she’s told me he’s been cheating on her and sleeping with other women in her bed. He’s also stealing money and using her phone as well as not letting her watch what she wants on TV and putting a GPS and hiding money in her watch….. so mums asked me to call my brother as he’s the only one that will be able to get this man to leave the house permanently. My brother is coming around shortly but other than pretending to go through evicting this man, is there anything else we can do so mum can believe that he and his friends are gone from her house?

When she interacts with him, she is talking to the book she has of him, that has Julians picture on the front. So do we get rid of the book as well?
Any other ideas of how to deal with this??
We’ve tried hiding the book but she panics as to where it is and won’t let up until we ‘find’ it again.

I really feel an empathy for you with this, very similar thing going on with my mum. Almost anything on the TV she appears to vanish into the programme herself which is causing all kinds of problems an very difficult to get her back to reality. Have not really got any solutions myself but showing support for your predicament. It certainly helped me knowing I am not the only person dealing with this. I would hide the book there's alot to be said for out of sight out of mind I find. Good luck

 

[julieandgary]

My mum sees people in her house but they are not there really its pictures from magazines and the paper. and she speaks to them there is a guy who is in the local paper, she says hes her best friend and tries to feed him. i stay with her 2 nights a week.

 

[lollyc]

No solutions, but my Mum cannot separate TV from reality either - we are moving house if we watch Escape to the Country, buying antiques if we watch Antiques Roadshow, and this week my neighbour called the police (Mum shouting whilst I was out), which has become confused with The Bill!

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @julieandgary welcome to DTP.
I hope you get answers and support for your issues with your Mum the forum is a helpful and supportive place for everyone

 

[julieandgary]

Hello @julieandgary welcome to DTP.
I hope you get answers and support for your issues with your Mum the forum is a helpful and supportive place for everyone

thank you so much ive been a care assistant worked in care homes and that's hard but its worse when its your own parent.

 

[Hazara8]

So Mums been seeing people that aren’t really there for a good few months now. She is also ‘dating’ a man, who just happens the be the Yorkshire vet, Julian. He now ‘lives’ in her house and they share a bed. All was going well until yesterday when they had an argument. This then rolled into today where she’s told me he’s been cheating on her and sleeping with other women in her bed. He’s also stealing money and using her phone as well as not letting her watch what she wants on TV and putting a GPS and hiding money in her watch….. so mums asked me to call my brother as he’s the only one that will be able to get this man to leave the house permanently. My brother is coming around shortly but other than pretending to go through evicting this man, is there anything else we can do so mum can believe that he and his friends are gone from her house?

When she interacts with him, she is talking to the book she has of him, that has Julians picture on the front. So do we get rid of the book as well?
Any other ideas of how to deal with this??
We’ve tried hiding the book but she panics as to where it is and won’t let up until we ‘find’ it again.

Hallucinations and Delusions are familiar elements in dementia. My late mother first presented with this whilst watching an auction on TV. She called me anxiously to come and help " these people want me to buy things!!". This was some time before diagnosis ( Alzheimer's etc) and l therefore gently explained that the auction was not real, it was a programme and nothing to do with her. I was later to learn that rational and seemingly normal explanations had little meaning. Her Hallucinations were not new and they varied. Once she was very upset because her fingers were stuck together with some plastic glue. She tried to pull it off her fingers. I said that l could see nothing at all? A big mistake. Mother became frustrated and then very angry, tearing at her fingers frenziedly to try and remove the " plastic ".
After a time she fell asleep. All was completely forgotten. But as the days went on, l switched off the TV at the slightest hint of paranoia or hallucination. It is therefore wise to try and eliminate the " triggers " if you can. And never challenge nor argue about it. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to dementia ' reality'. These traits can abate or simply end as the dementia progresses. It can be very difficult sometimes not to lose control over what seems at times plain daft to the healthy brain. One has to curb that sensation and move with the eccentric behaviour just as if it were the norm. And it is vital that everybody else is made aware of this too. The " management " of dementia in a loved one is never easy and generally very demanding of patience, empathy, physical energy and time. Such Care is unique and as you 'qualify' your knowledge in carrying out that Care, you enable genuine opportunity for comfort in the loved one in question. That's a huge plus.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Julian always seemed such a nice chap to me - I am shocked that he is cheating on your mum and stealing her money....

Sorry to be flippant! My mother was another who involved herself in TV programmes. I visited once and she was in a tizz because she was convinced she had to referee a football match. And she'd never taken the slightest interest in football previously. The people she saw were generally masturbating men...

 

[Fatigued]

So Mums been seeing people that aren’t really there for a good few months now. She is also ‘dating’ a man, who just happens the be the Yorkshire vet, Julian. He now ‘lives’ in her house and they share a bed. All was going well until yesterday when they had an argument. This then rolled into today where she’s told me he’s been cheating on her and sleeping with other women in her bed. He’s also stealing money and using her phone as well as not letting her watch what she wants on TV and putting a GPS and hiding money in her watch….. so mums asked me to call my brother as he’s the only one that will be able to get this man to leave the house permanently. My brother is coming around shortly but other than pretending to go through evicting this man, is there anything else we can do so mum can believe that he and his friends are gone from her house?

When she interacts with him, she is talking to the book she has of him, that has Julians picture on the front. So do we get rid of the book as well?
Any other ideas of how to deal with this??
We’ve tried hiding the book but she panics as to where it is and won’t let up until we ‘find’ it again.

Hi Jen H,
My mum has that behaviour as well. Watching TV now is a no - no. She becomes part of what is being broadcast from newsreaders speaking to her, to people watching her to views of a winding road making her feel she is about to be in car crash. The list goes on. It also happens reading magazines where she speaks to pictures and coos at pictures of babies.
So TV is off and magazines censured from what may upset her.

 

[MartinWL]

Hi Jen H,
My mum has that behaviour as well. Watching TV now is a no - no. She becomes part of what is being broadcast from newsreaders speaking to her, to people watching her to views of a winding road making her feel she is about to be in car crash. The list goes on. It also happens reading magazines where she speaks to pictures and coos at pictures of babies.
So TV is off and magazines censured from what may upset her.

This must be very difficult. So many elderly people and PWD only have television for entertainment. I am wondering what she can pass her time doing?

 

[Grannie G]

I know some homes have a quiet room as well as a TV room but I suppose it will depend on staffing.

The ideal I suppose is an activities coordinator or a member of staff, not necessarily providing activities but using their observational skills to talk to residents and give them some individual attention.

When I used to visit, I included other residents during my time there. So many residents had no visitors ever and just slept their lives away.

 

[Jessy82]

Hi , I've had to censor tv for a while with mum, she gets very upset ,with s.houting and arguing, even her once favourite musicals are now a no go, such as Oliver Twist and The King and I. So we've been ok with "safe tv" like gardening, cooking, bargain hunt etc. But yesterday she got quite upset with Antiques Roadshow, they were buying an item for £50, she turned to me horrified, I'm not giving them £50 she said, I haven't got that money, she was quite worried about it, so that's off the list lol .

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

That‘s a good phrase @Hazara8 ”managing dementia” I’m now going to call myself a dementia manager instead of a carer! The TV is also a problem for my OH and I think I will invest in wireless headphones, if I can figure them out, because when He wanders he thinks other people are in the flat, when it’s the tv. And one night he caught a bit of a lifeboat program and was convinced he saw a lifeboat launch outside in the car park.

 

[Fatigued]

This must be very difficult. So many elderly people and PWD only have television for entertainment. I am wondering what she can pass her time doing?

Hi MartinWL,
Mum does love the radio. So I make sure music of her era is playing and she is quite happy. There is also an Alzheimers radio on line and it is really good. Also magazines with lots of pictures keep her entertained as well as chatting.

 

[Hazara8]

That‘s a good phrase @Hazara8 ”managing dementia” I’m now going to call myself a dementia manager instead of a carer! The TV is also a problem for my OH and I think I will invest in wireless headphones, if I can figure them out, because when He wanders he thinks other people are in the flat, when it’s the tv. And one night he caught a bit of a lifeboat program and was convinced he saw a lifeboat launch outside in the car park.

You are a Carer by default and that is fundamental. The " management " is extremely important, albeit at times both frustrating and challenging. The 'hallucinations ' in respect of television are not uncommon. The key is in eliminating the main cause. (the headphones sound very sensible) My late mother loved documentary programmes, especially David Attenborough. Alas, even that programme was necessarily removed from her viewing when she became alarmed and upset because she felt she was actually a part of it, inside the TV in effect. All very real to her of course. We can " manage " up to a point. The ' caring ' plays upon both heart and mind and that remains an ongoing challenge. Alas, unlike the TV, we are unable to switch off.