MOT anniversary

[Tender Face]

Yes, strange title perhaps..... but my beloved little rust bucket is due for its MOT again this week..... remembered it was due ... not because I am good with dates and generally being organised anymore .... But two years ago this week – was that fateful day I was NOT there to visit mum in hospital during the day when I would have otherwise chained myself to her hospital bed and prevented her from going through the farce of a PEG feed that was dictated by her consultant..... because my car was in the garage ....

Birthdays, anniversaries have come and gone ... in many ways I feel I have ‘moved on’.... but this particular ‘anniversary’ is already wreaking havoc..... guilt I wasn’t there to prevent what happened? Just that terrible sight of her being so traumatised when I finally got there I will never erase from my mind?

I like to believe I always tried my best – but that day I failed her ... just by not being there ......and it’s the one thing I just can’t seem to come to terms with ......

Sorry,
Kaz, x

 

[maryw]

Dear Kaz, so sorry your car has caused the guilt monster to rear its ugly head again. There is no way you could have remained in control 24 hrs in a hospital environment during your mother's stay. You certainly did the best you could at that time for your mother and your caring thoughts never flagged, even though the stupid car needed attention.

Yes, visual images can flashback for years, I imagine. I personally believe that all these thoughts have to be voiced or written down in order for them not to trouble you any more. It is the little things like the car that niggle, isn't it? Good that you wrote about it here. Kaz, you did your very best. Xx

 

[Vonny]

Dear Kaz,

While I in no way condone use of a PEG feed, if the consultant had made their mind up it was going in, then your presence could have made your mum's trauma worse.

If you'd been there and objected and caused a rumpus (and I'd have done the same!) your mum could actually have been more traumatised than she already was.

I am not belittling the dreadful situation, just trying to shine a little light into that dark hole called guilt.

It's just so rotten that with all the anniversaries we have to cope with, you have the additional burden of an MOT anniversary which is bound to bring it flooding back.

You didn't fail your mum Kaz, you gave her your best. And as my dear old ma always said "just do your best, you can't do any more" xxx

 

[sue38]

Karen,

You did not fail your mum in any way.

If your mum was let down by anyone, it was the consultant who ordered that the PEG be fitted AND then failed to inform you of the decision.

I know, with the best will in the world you can't be there every minute of the day. If you had been given any inkling that this was going to happen you would have done your damnedest to stop it.

So far I've only had one anniversary (my birthday) and although I thought I was fine, spent the whole day in tears - not me at all!

Thinking of you ... and hoping you car passes its MOT!

 

[Skye]

Karen, you didn't fail your mum!

No-one could have done more for her than you. It was that stupid consultant, who was thinking in terms of length of life, as opposed to quality of life. He really needs to be re-trained, with a special module on the care of people with dementia.

And I know you're working hard to get that module incorporated into every training course, as I am.

It's a shame your mum had to suffer, and I know how hard that still is for you, but by not denying that pain, you are helping to ensure that others don't have to suffer it.

You did not fail your mum, she would be so proud of you.

Good luck to the car,

Love,

 

[Lynne]

It can be the strangest things...

which bring the pain/grief/anger/bitterness/guilt back to haunt us, can't it.
I broke my Mum's favourite hairbrush yesterday, it snagged in a tangle of my (long) hair. It's only a plastic hairbrush for Pete's sake, but it was hers ... & I valued it

Even if your car hadn't been booked in for it's MoT 2 years ago, you still couldn't have been on guard at the hospital 24/7.

YOU didn't fail her, that damned blinkered-vision consultant did, may he be plagued with ... (you fill in the blanks!)

Please be gentle with yourself, there will be reminders coming along for several more years yet, but your no-nonsense Mum wouldn't want you to suffer from 'dementia by proxy' now she's free from its clutches.
.

 

[Tender Face]

Bless, I knew you’d all tell me I am being daft!!!!

Tossing and turning last night I recalled one of mum’s favourite phrases: ‘Everything happens for a reason’ (should have listened to her more!) and it occurred to me I had things so easy in the ‘early days’. I feel desperate for people struggling to get a GP’s support, or a CPN etc ... so much support just fell into my lap without having to ask .... I wonder if something terrible hadn’t happened along the journey would I feel as passionate as I still am now about doing whatever I can? But so right Hazel – selfishly – why did it happen to MY mum? I think mum is still looking after me – giving me a sense of purpose and keeping me out of mischief! (Well, mostly)

Sue – I was geared up (no pun intended) for anniversaries the first year – it’s when something sneaks up like this it floors me .... I guess it’s another learning curve for us to still keep expecting the unexpected?

Vonny – rumpus? - if I had been anywhere near that consultant that day I might still be ‘serving time’ for my actions right now.

Lynne – oh Gawd – you’ve reminded me another trigger yesterday. I broke a glass. No great deal you would think. I have given away lovely cut glass from mum and dad’s because I had no use for it/no sentimental value etc ... but this odd little simple tumbler (probably 2/6d from Woollies) was a little treasure .....so I absolutely understand the hairbrush .... then I watched Janey Cutler on BGT (the 80 year old) who is so uncannily like my mother in looks/ mannerisms/gait etc .....and continued to ‘You Tube’ her until I was cried out .... Gawd knows what state I’ll be in if she wins on Saturday!!!!!

Oh and thanks for the good wishes for my ‘rust bucket’. It was a car mum and dad helped finance because I needed my own wheels to ferry dad to hospital appointments (RIP 11 years – so it shows how old it is!!!) ... even the car is sentimental to me and part of mum and dad ...... and no scrappage deal in the world would have me part with it until it literally falls apart .....

Thanks Mary – you’re so right - just having a ramble here helps sometimes. It's precious when you are all struggling with your own grief and problems you have time to validate my little 'wobbler'. Thanks to all of you.

Kaz, x

 

[Bookworm]

Hello my dear Kaz,

Can't say it better than Vonny. I hope you will be given serenity to accept the things that cannot be, and could not have been, changed......, love, Sue

 

[christine_batch]

Rust bucket..I thought you meant me

Hi Kaz,

Time has gone so quickly and I can understand your love for your car.

Little things that bring back memories and the flood gates open.

Your Mum would have been so proud of you and you will always carry that love in your heart as I do with Peter.

Lauren (Grandaughter) is 17 this month and last night sitting in daughter's garden, with some of her friends and Lauren was telling them memories of Peter.

What a good job I was wearing sunglasses so they never saw the tears.

I hope your car passes it's M.O.T. because I did not when I went to the Doctor's.

Take care
Love from
Christine xx

 

[TinaT]

Love to you Kaz. Push them away, they do no good.

xxTinaT

 

[Jo1958]

Kaz, hi
Sorry to interupt your thread but, Christine, sorry you are having problems with your MOT, I hope I've misunderstood and you are OK but if not I hope it's better news soon.
Best wishes, Jo

 

[christine_batch]

Hi Jo1958,

Thank you but I did not pass my regular check up and awaiting scan and blood results. When I have the guts I will phone for the appointment and results.

Best wishes
Christine

 

[Tender Face]

No apologies for interruptions needed, Jo. Excuse me while I nag a dear virtual friend!

Christine, my lovely rust bucket, (kissy smiley) ...... please look after yourself .... you are so good at looking after everyone else .... you know you have so much affection and support here to try help you through .... why didn't we know about this before, you little tinker?

Look at me - throwing wobblers still after all this time and little else in life to worry about right now .... you give of yourself (as so many do here) to help others ... please let others help you.

Nag over.

Much love, Kaz, x

 

[Jo1958]

Christine, hi
Good luck with the results, I hope the worry is groundless and the further tests are just for reassurance to confirm that all is well.
Kind regards, Jo