Missing my nana and horrible guilt

[Izzyf2001]

My Nanas been in her home for just over two weeks now, she’s been quite unsettled which is to be expected. I think she’s fine and getting along with people (the carer had told us) but as soon as we phone her it really unsettles her and she gets very upset.

I’m completely torn, when we do phone her we can’t get a conversation out of her no matter how hard we try and distract her she just asks me to get her out of there and the only way I can get her off the phone is to say I’ll call my Mum and have her sort something out, then I end the call and wait for her to forget, I feel so awful for doing this.

Her birthday was on the 29th of March and it was the worst day, we went to the car park to hand in her presents and cake and asked if we could see her, they brought her out on the first floor balcony and we couldn’t hear each other and she got so upset we had to leave after 5 minutes. I do wish they’d brought her outside where the gate was and have us stand 2 meters apart but of course I understand because of covid it couldn’t happen.
It just makes me so upset that this could’ve been her last birthday she’s aware of anything or even alive and it was horrible for her, I know she’s forgotten already but I know that it was horrible .

My Mum was able to go and see her Saturday because her two weeks isolation was up, she was only allowed in for half an hour in a bedroom that isn’t being used and my mum did get some conversation out of her being in person. We said enough is enough and told her she has Alzheimer’s and dementia. We hadn’t told her because the memory clinic and the care home said not to unless she asked but we feel as though she thinks she’s being locked up for being depressed and ‘a bit forgetful’. My mum said she didn’t seem shocked to hear it, and we know she’ll have forgotten but we wanted to tell her so she fully understands why she has to stay in there.

It feels good to have gotten that off my chest, I’ve been pushing it all to the back of my mind and trying to forget about it. I just don’t know wether to call her and unsettle her all over again or wait until the 12th when I can actually see her. Or I might wait until it’s a bit closer so i can actually tell her I can see her in a couple days. If i was to tell her now she would say she can’t wait that long like she has been. I just need someone to tell me if not calling her is wrong.

Hearing peoples similar experiences with this would be much appreciated!!

****Also if anyone has any good present ideas I can give her when I see her (preferably not food as she’s got loads already and is diabetic, and she also doesn’t drink)

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Izzyf2001

If I were you , I would send your Nana a cheerful card saying that you are looking forward to seeing her soon. She will know you are thinking of her but you won’t have the heartache of a conversation on the ‘phone. She will be able to read it over and over too, or the carers will be able to read it to her.

I’ve been sending my mum cards and little gifts every week for the past year. She can’t really speak on the ‘phone and gets too distressed with video calls. The carers say she really enjoys getting the cards in the post.

How about a nice plant for her room as a gift when you visit?

 

[Izzyf2001]

Hello @Izzyf2001

If I were you , I would send your Nana a cheerful card saying that you are looking forward to seeing her soon. She will know you are thinking of her but you won’t have the heartache of a conversation on the ‘phone. She will be able to read it over and over too, or the carers will be able to read it to her.

I’ve been sending my mum cards and little gifts every week for the past year. She can’t really speak on the ‘phone and gets too distressed with video calls. The carers say she really enjoys getting the cards in the post.

How about a nice plant for her room as a gift when you visit?

Thanks so much that’s such a good idea!!

 

[Hazara8]

My Nanas been in her home for just over two weeks now, she’s been quite unsettled which is to be expected. I think she’s fine and getting along with people (the carer had told us) but as soon as we phone her it really unsettles her and she gets very upset.

I’m completely torn, when we do phone her we can’t get a conversation out of her no matter how hard we try and distract her she just asks me to get her out of there and the only way I can get her off the phone is to say I’ll call my Mum and have her sort something out, then I end the call and wait for her to forget, I feel so awful for doing this.

Her birthday was on the 29th of March and it was the worst day, we went to the car park to hand in her presents and cake and asked if we could see her, they brought her out on the first floor balcony and we couldn’t hear each other and she got so upset we had to leave after 5 minutes. I do wish they’d brought her outside where the gate was and have us stand 2 meters apart but of course I understand because of covid it couldn’t happen.
It just makes me so upset that this could’ve been her last birthday she’s aware of anything or even alive and it was horrible for her, I know she’s forgotten already but I know that it was horrible .

My Mum was able to go and see her Saturday because her two weeks isolation was up, she was only allowed in for half an hour in a bedroom that isn’t being used and my mum did get some conversation out of her being in person. We said enough is enough and told her she has Alzheimer’s and dementia. We hadn’t told her because the memory clinic and the care home said not to unless she asked but we feel as though she thinks she’s being locked up for being depressed and ‘a bit forgetful’. My mum said she didn’t seem shocked to hear it, and we know she’ll have forgotten but we wanted to tell her so she fully understands why she has to stay in there.

It feels good to have gotten that off my chest, I’ve been pushing it all to the back of my mind and trying to forget about it. I just don’t know wether to call her and unsettle her all over again or wait until the 12th when I can actually see her. Or I might wait until it’s a bit closer so i can actually tell her I can see her in a couple days. If i was to tell her now she would say she can’t wait that long like she has been. I just need someone to tell me if not calling her is wrong.

Hearing peoples similar experiences with this would be much appreciated!!

****Also if anyone has any good present ideas I can give her when I see her (preferably not food as she’s got loads already and is diabetic, and she also doesn’t drink)

Two weeks is a very short time in respect of the transition into Care and although very hard to accept, it nevertheless can be a positive move to curb initial contact whilst the "settling " takes place. The problem arises with what is really an interruption in the state of forgetfulness. For us as Carers it seems almost cruel not to maintain communication with our loved one or the one we might have cared for day after day for years.
The fact is that dementia eradicates memory as we know it - held thoughts, structured and available continuously in a balanced way, which are under our control. That luxury has been taken away in dementia. Thus the unexpected phone call or familiar voice conveying what becomes completely fresh news ( even if it has been spoken of numerous times before) can alarm or indeed upset seriously because it does not register as known or familiar news. This is why the Home Is in itself immensely mportant because it takes on the role of Carer and a continuity of Care in relation to the specific presentation of dementia. In a way it adheres to the status quo of an individual's " best interests" because currently dementia has no magic bullet nor template which provides the ideal pathway down which we can confidently walk. The one living with dementia is vulnerable and vulnerable at a level which requires our supreme attention at every stage, because cognition no longer enables that to and fro interaction which is taken as read when you hold capacity as a norm.
The transition into Care is a huge event in a life when unexpected or unavoidable.
As Carers we never negate that instinct nor the interaction even when the subject of that Care has been removed from our hands. We owe it to our loved one to merge into this newly acquired Care without anxiety or disruption at the outset, because it is a one way journey. Then, a little later on when our visits become regular and a regime takes place, if we are lucky we will see a state of relative stability takes place and the Home has become "home". None of this is ever easy and often extremely challenging for both parties. The one consolation with dementia and l use the term very carefully, is that it allows for an environment which seems to function in its own right - the community who inhabit the Home play off each other in "dementia world " without the angst of indecision or expectations or logical thinking per se. That world can be profoundly real for those concerned despite the fact that it is not so in truth. We recognise that " reality " if we are wise because it cannot be denied by us. Above all we are constantly aware of that "reality" as Carers because we CARE and do not wish harm.
That awareness should guide your decision in terms of interaction and when best to allow for not so doing. Comfort is a word imprinted on my mind in this respect because at the end of the day the one living with dementia ultimately requires just that.

 

[lemonbalm]

Thanks so much that’s such a good idea!!

Alternatively, silk flowers are also good. They don’t need watering and last forever!