MIL .... HELP .... advice on dealing with agression

[ElizabethAnn]

Hello Grace,
you can notify the DVLA online via the link below. They state on the form:

"All 3rd Party Notifications are treated with the strictest confidence and we never reveal to the licence holder or any other enquiring party where the information came from originally."

so no worries about your MIL (or anyone else) finding out.

https://emaildvla.direct.gov.uk/emaildvla/cegemail/dvla/en/drivers_med_03.html

Elizabeth

 

[Grace L]

I do realise that MiL is not necessarily aware of 'stealing' and acquiring 'goodies'....
as at the time of taking my things she was in a Alz muddle..

but there are several items of jewellery that my late husband gave me , its these I'd like back.
I'm not one for jewellery, and don't have much, but I want them back....even if I don't wear them.

Shouldn't have to, but can prove they are mine from photos that are 20 + years old...

Saying I want them back is one thing, but getting them .... hhmmmmm more tricky

The rest of the things she has of mine, while expensive, do not have the sentimental value.

 

[Grace L]

Soooo... big sigh....
After a long natter or two, with my sister, we (she) decided she will be 'the one', who tells
the DVLA about MiL ... but will do so anonymously... so there is no 'electronic trace'.

MiL still 'fixed in a loop of anger' with me, I'd probably get the blame anyway...
when and if the DVLA write to her.

I told my sister to not mention me having told her GP (and Practice nurse) about me informing them
several times already.... in case the GP gets into 'trouble' ... for not contacting them.

I still haven't come up with a 'plan' on how to recover (ahh-hum) MY gold goods from MiL's.

I know I have to cut myself off, and hand over care responsibility .... but there is no one willing to help....
and as far as I am concerned I am at a crisis point.
I dread seeing her... and I hate saying this.


Its the unpredictability of her violent outbursts that are making it difficult for me.
.... and the fact that for some time , I cannot relax in my own home.... when she visits.

I don't understand where this anger has come from (I know, I know, It's Alz ) ...
or the threats to harm me, unless I do as she says ....

or the never-ending spiteful name calling that are mixed in with a friendly 'normal conversation'.
Would you like a cup of Tea?".... "Ooh, yes please (face changes, teeth grit, purses lips) .... B**ch".

Oh well... at least it's not for much longer, as long as I can come up with a care package....

 

[Bree]

Sorry to seem hard, but after you retrieve your jewellery I really feel that you should walk away. She has children, they are responsible for her not you. Whilst you are willing to take on the carers role, they are going to let you !!

For your own sanity, have a holiday away, tell your neighbours you are going, and not her, non of her business actually. Tell her children that you are no longer going to be at her beck and call, and now it's all down to them.

As I see it, you must inform DVLA, how would you feel if she has an accident, and maybe kills innocent people, when you have known all along that she is unfit to drive ?

You are on the slippery slope, time to get off it.

 

[Hair Twiddler]

Hello GraceL,
I read your post yesterday and have had it on my mind all night. I had thought that I had nothing to add to the very good advice coming from Owly, Bree, piph and Elizabeth - I too think that you need to take both a mental and physical step back from this destructive relationship/situation you are in.

Your MIL's other family members will always be happy for you to visit, sort out the fridge, replenish food supplies, clean etc. If you stop (which I believe you must ASAP) they will become aware and have to intervene. It is not a pleasant thought to imagine 'bad' food in anothers fridge but a few bad tomatoes are the tip-of-iceberg here. MIL is causing you to suffer. I hear the anxiety in your words. Please retrieve your possessions MIL has - they are yours!

As for MIL knocking an your neighbour's doors and inviting herself in as she waits for you to return - why not preempt things by being brave and knocking on their doors and explaining a little of what is going on and asking them not to invite her into their homes? Plan exactly what you will say, don't go into too much detail. Better to have a slightly uncomfortable conversation before anything happens rather than after when things might be very fraught.

I've rambled on a bit - time to sign off (I too - like Miss Merlot feel i'm living my whole life under the shadow of dementia!)
I do hope you find a way through this.
I will be thinking of you - you can't see us but there are lots of us behind, supporting you.
Love Twiddler.

 

[Grace L]

Thank you Hair Twiddler, sorry for being on your mind , as if we haven't got enough to think about.

My sister has sent the DVLA letter... so we shall see how long it takes for a reaction from them.

My neighbours (I live in an old converted flat) already know about MiL and Alz, but not how bad it can be....
Like so many she's learnt to be very 'good at' covering up... as long as things are going her way.
They will find it difficult to turn away 'a little old lady' on their doorstep, if she turns on the fake tears.

I live on the ground floor, and unless I keep my curtains closed... she'll walk around the building...
looking for me, and bang on the window when she sees me. Already tried 'ignoring' , it didn't work !!


I've been in this family for decades, as even though I am a widow, they are still 'family'.

When my husband had VaD (and several strokes) they treated us both appallingly.
They couldn't handle it, refused to talk about it ... out of sight out of mind...
Far too many things happened that I will never get over, nor discuss...

My in laws, even though they know about Alz, think it will ..... actually, I don't know what they think...
If they don't talk about it... its not happening.
They do have some input, but not enough... and shockingly, at times, they think it's funny !!


I don't know why I feel compelled to help MiL...but I grew up in an extended family caring for relatives...

I'd like to help arrange a Care Package, but don't want to actually be involved as part of the plan.
SS and SW will expect me to be part of the plan.... so I may have to say, I'm moving house...

and.... I have horrific memories of how SW treated my husband and I (you couldn't make it up)
which is putting me off helping arrange care.


Thank you everyone for reading this rambling.

 

[Nebiroth]

Grace, I echo what has been said above.

WALK AWAY.

You have no obligations towards your MIL and no reason to subject yourself to her accusations, ingratitude and agression. It's not helping her and it's certainly not helping you.

It's not as though you would be abandoning her to leave her destitute and neglected. She has her own family and the authorities to make sure that doesn't happen.

It seems to me that you are the specific target of all of this so the thing to do is to make yourself a non-target by removing yourself from the field.

You don't have to let her into your house - simply don't open the door. You don't have to go to her house.

You've already told her GP about the driving. If you're really worried (and it is genuinely a case of public safety) then you can inform the DVLA entirely anonymously. If you're really worried call from a public phone! They don;t take any details except those of the driver being reported. After that you've done what you can so it's not your responsibility anymore.

If you feel you must see her, the moment things start just say you're going to leave unless she stops, and if she doesn;t then walk out. She can't stop you.

If the doctor gets into trouble for not advising the DVLA about a patient then maybe the doctor SHOULD be getting into trouble. The guidance is clear, doctors have to use "reasonable efforts" to persuade a patient no to drive if they think it's unsafe for them to do so, but if the patient refuses then they must inform the DVLA

I don;t see why you feel you have to subject yourself to this until you have sorted out a care package. Let your MIL's own family do it. As I said, it;s not as though you are the only person sh ehas left in the whole world, and it's not as though you're abandoning her to destitution and neglect.

If she has her own family and she doesn;t direct such behaviors at them, let them make the arrnagements.

I think I would just tell who you have to tell and then leave well alone. It's not your responsibility and you have a right to your own life.

It;s really awful to see someone say they do not feel safe in their own home. That's asign that overwhelmingly says "this must change"

 

[Grace L]

Thanks Nebiroth I appreciate your input...

Walking away after so many years is difficult, but will have to be done.

I do feel I am a specific target for MiLs aggression, though I have seen her 'dark side' with one of my nieces,
and her daughter and one of her DiL's... but no where near as bad as me.
With them it is 'fleeting' (sort-of).... not continual drip-drip-drip...


But why? I am truly puzzled... I have been a lovely, kind, generous +++ daughter in law...
None of which makes the slightest bit of difference (that's Alz for you )...
Shame she cant remember how bad the rest of her DiL have been...

I'm not sure if she thinks my husband was her husband ... and it is SHE who is the widow...
and the things she has 'taken'... are hers to take....

Should I (I'll try and make this my last questions on this subject)
Tell her GP and Practice Nurse that I am no longer going to help her?
Ask GP to contact SS and SW? ... to arrange an assessment at the very least...
Tell GP just how bad her family is at caring? giving them the 'heads up'... of what to expect..

Should I think about covert (audio) recording her rages with me? I feel as though I am not being believed....

MiL family (my in laws) have told me to 'keep my trap shut' about the aggression,
as ... 'I do not understand the consequences of my actions' ... if I report them to the Doctor.

They don't know I already have

 

[AlsoConfused]

I think what the family's said to you is dreadful! If this is the way younger, fitter members of the family have behaved towards you no wonder MIL is herself "difficult".

You must be a very kind, conscientious person ... most of us would have walked away from all the hassle long ago.

 

[cragmaid]

Grace, can I ask you...do you actually want to continue your contact with this family who have treated you so appallingly for a lot of years?
Is there one person out of the whole lot of them who you could count as a friend?

If the answer to both of these questions is NO then why are you still bothering?
My advice is quite harsh and you must be firm with the whole family. They seem to think or you as a doormat, to be walked over. It is past time to be gentle with them.

You must go to MIL, with your sister as a back up if needed and say to her " I have lost some jewellry and some other things." Tell her that you may have left them in your room when you stayed at her house and you are going to look for them now. Perhaps they got mixed up in her things? Tell her that if they cannot be found, they must have been stolen and you will go to the police. Then whoever took them will be accused of theft and will have to go to court. You could add that this will look bad to the people in her Church.
If you do not say these things, I do not think your possessions will ever be returned to you.

I would not bother telling the Dr or the Nurse that you no longer help the old lady. They take no notice of your letters anyway. They will probably tell the family that you have written, but if you really want to, make sure that you make it very clear, the lady and her family have driven you to this stage.
You could phone the SS to tell them about a vulnerable person, but if you do they might use your name when they visit. You could send them an anonomous letter.

But ultimately this has to be about you, your health and mental welfare. This family appear to be very bad for you, but only you can stop it from happening.

 

[Grace L]

Hi craigmaid...
No I don't want a relationship with this 'former family'... not now, not ever.
And ... no, not one of them are my friends.... anymore.

We (believe it or not) had a great relationship before my husband was taken with his first stroke ...
then it slowly declined ... and got worse ... then (long story), he was eventually diagnosed with VaD...
and I / we began a long journey ... his family became and 'invisible'.... seeing us for minutes at a time as they couldn't cope (bless !!)


I was thinking of 'distraction' techniques when I go to collect my 'taken/missing' items.
Have someone 'busy her' in the garden with some new plants... while I take back what is mine.... then leave.
Its a good idea to mention The Church ... but I don't think I have it in me to do this.

Its only the jewellery I'd really like back, the other things I'll have to think about whether its worth it.
Jewellery... I can 'just collect', as its sat on a dressing table tray-thingy...
other items... noisy cupboards... open/closing ....
Unless I have someone take her out for lunch... then sneak in .... OMgoodness, what a mess !

I cant be the first DiL that has had to do this ... its such a shame I have no support from other in laws.

Because of my in-laws 'head in the sand' reaction to my husbands VaD...
I think know how they are going to be with MiL at any stage in the future.
I kind of anticipate them not giving her the best care.

BTW.... MiL not even remotely rich, not much to inherit.. 'when the time comes'..
at least the family wont be fighting over who does what in terms of care...
just in case MiL favours one more than the other.

 

[cragmaid]

My one worry if you apply the distraction is that she will cry theft herself when she find the things missing.
I think you must go in ( have it written down if you like) and say that You have come to see if your things are there because you have searched at home and if you "haven't left them there by accident you are going to have to go to the police and the insurance people" If you have written it down then you can add the bit about how awful it might be if the Police have to come to inerview her, to see if she can remember where they went, and perhaps talk to any of her friends that might have been in".

I just think that it is better to look for them with her knowing about it, than have the risk of her calling you a thief. You can take your photos in and say something like " This is the ring that Fred gave me, do you remember this picture Mum?"

 

[garnuft]

As difficult as it will be, I think you should speak to you MIL's children before you take your things back. Show them the photographs which prove it is all yours and ask for their assistance to retrieve your things.

If there is a fall-out from MIL thinking her things have been stolen, by talking things over with your in-laws you will be protected from any spurious claims and troublesome accusations.
You could be getting yourself into awful trouble if no-one in the family knows what you intend to do.

I realise it might seem unfair but I do think you should protect yourself from what, to my mind, has the potential be a very nasty situation.

 

[Grace L]

Thanks craimaid... I thought about that already... her calling me a thief.

What a ridiculous situation we (carers) find ourselves in...
If my husband were alive, I think I'd probably let it go.... 'for now'...
but as things have got worse, what with aggression, violence, bullying... I cant let this drop.

One way of getting my things , is to go over (friend in tow) with a box... to pick up all my things.

Show her photos of the items she'd acquired, and say I've come to take them back.
I'll probably waffle a bit about mistakes happen, blah, blah, blah...
say they 'look a bit like your xyz'.... knowing full well they don't.... but hay-ho... anything for a quiet life.

I wonder how other TP-carers would handle this situation?

and.... what if she called the police on me? !!
I've got the original receipt for one of the pieces of jewellery (20 years old) , and it's been declared on my house insurance for as long as I can remember, as items over a certain value have to be disclosed.

and I can find photos of most of the other things,
but I think it depends on the mood she is in on the day, whether she chooses to believe the photos !!

 

[Grace L]

Hi garnuft .... post crossed over

Yes I know I could do with family in law (SiL - MiL daughter ) being there to help me.
I can only ask... who knows?

Thank you