Mam refusing to go into care home for respite

[Jul35]

My mother is 87 years old and has dementia she is physically fine mentally not so, we have Carers going in 3 times a day. Mam is fairly independent in that she washes and dresses herself and puts herself to bed. Most days she manages well with the carers going in. She has deteriorated with the Covid restrictions and we are having more bad days a week where she doesn’t understand the time and she goes to bed for about 3 hours then she is up all night wandering round the house putting everything in to piles (we have a canary system in her house so we can track her movements) she opens the front door usually early hours of the morning setting off the door sensor connected to care connect who have to send someone out as she doesn’t know how to talk to the care connect team through the care connect unit. Mam has had a few episodes lately of confusion partly down to water infection. I’m struggling to cope as she rings me up early hours of morning and at night she can’t always communicate very well so end up going round when she’s confused I have to stay with her; though we have carers once they have gone it’s down to me as Mam is not safe to be left. A few times i’ve had to come out of work as she has been agitated and Carer was concerned. I’m a bag of nerves and can’t really cope anymore i’veManaged to get a time to think bed for 6 weeks (she is self funded). Mam is saying no she’s not going and is being bad tempered with me. It’s breaking my heart I have to wait a week before she can go in and also have to do a covid test. Any advice on how to coerce Mam into going or should i not tell her and in the day just take her if she will come.

 

[TNJJ]

My mother is 87 years old and has dementia she is physically fine mentally not so, we have Carers going in 3 times a day. Mam is fairly independent in that she washes and dresses herself and puts herself to bed. Most days she manages well with the carers going in. She has deteriorated with the Covid restrictions and we are having more bad days a week where she doesn’t understand the time and she goes to bed for about 3 hours then she is up all night wandering round the house putting everything in to piles (we have a canary system in her house so we can track her movements) she opens the front door usually early hours of the morning setting off the door sensor connected to care connect who have to send someone out as she doesn’t know how to talk to the care connect team through the care connect unit. Mam has had a few episodes lately of confusion partly down to water infection. I’m struggling to cope as she rings me up early hours of morning and at night she can’t always communicate very well so end up going round when she’s confused I have to stay with her; though we have carers once they have gone it’s down to me as Mam is not safe to be left. A few times i’ve had to come out of work as she has been agitated and Carer was concerned. I’m a bag of nerves and can’t really cope anymore i’veManaged to get a time to think bed for 6 weeks (she is self funded). Mam is saying no she’s not going and is being bad tempered with me. It’s breaking my heart I have to wait a week before she can go in and also have to do a covid test. Any advice on how to coerce Mam into going or should i not tell her and in the day just take her if she will come.

Hi. I wouldn’t tell her as her answer would be the default “No”. Just take her in on the day.

 

[Bod]

Just take her on the day, for a short surprise holiday.
No discussion beforehand, just drop her off before lunch, return with her suitcase, during the afternoon, leaving the staff to unpack.

Bod

 

[Jul35]

Hi. I wouldn’t tell her as her answer would be the default “No”. Just take her in on the day.

Thank you, I’m thinking of doing that, just feel so guilty being deceitful think it’s a case of being cruel to be kind

 

[Jul35]

Just take her on the day, for a short surprise holiday.
No discussion beforehand, just drop her off before lunch, return with her suitcase, during the afternoon, leaving the staff to unpack.

Bod

Thanks that’s a good idea. I’ll was thinking of taking everything in with mam, but like you say I could take her in then fetch her case & tv later in the day

 

[Jessbow]

Any chance you could co-op a carer to take her? Avoid being the big bad wolf?

 

[Jul35]

That hadn’t crossed my mind, I’ m not sure I’m mentally strong enough at the moment to be able to take her. I might ask someone To be on standby incase i can’t do it. Thank you for the Idea

 

[Lynmax]

It might help your mum settle if you took in your mums things before she got there. We were able to do this so when mum arrived at the care home from hospital, her room was all ready with some photos, her favourite cushions and throws, books, tv etc.

 

[Jul35]

Mam is at home so will need her tv and things. I think i am going to try and get someone to take her in first then i’ll take her things after if I can. With this covid it’s a lot harder as homes are in lock down so don’t allow anyone in. Thank you for help

 

[Nicash]

I completely understand how you feel, it’s extremely stressful. I wouldn’t tell your mum about the respite. She will be too set in her ways and her answer will always be a refusal to go. I would sell it to her on the day, that you are meeting an old friend for a brew, get the nursing home manager to meet you in car park to reassure you and her. Iv just done it and it’s hard, but like you I felt I had no choice do to feeling burnt out. Xx. Sending you loads of luck. Xx.

 

[Jul35]

I can't really add anything other than my full sympathy and understanding. I am at the stage with mum now where I simply can't cope with it anymore, even with all the home support and will probably have a full breakdown if I try. It's an awful place to be.

Rob it is, I feel as if I failed her and I should be more strong, but everyone has a breaking point. Six weeks in respite will give me breathing space and I hope she settles. I hope you get sorted too. Thank you for the support it helps knowing other people in the same boat and all the comments are so helpful. Take care

 

[Canadian Joanne]

We always feel guilty when we shouldn't

If ;your mother settles, have you considered making this a permanent thing? My mother still washed and dressed herself more or less when she went into care pemanently.

 

[Jale]

Could you tell her there is something that needs fixing in the house that makes it unsafe for her to stay there?, or like others have said don;t say where you are going, we didn't have to face that as mum went into a home from hospital and if she asks now when is she going home I always say we are waiting for the doctor - he never appears and it is forgotten until next time Good luck

 

[Jul35]

We always feel guilty when we shouldn't

If ;your mother settles, have you considered making this a permanent thing? My mother still washed and dressed herself more or less when she went into care pemanently.

I’m hoping she will settle and can make it permanent she still can be fairly independent but she is not really safe in her home, she has really good days but at the stage where we are having more bad days. Thank you for advice much appreciated

 

[Jul35]

Could you tell her there is something that needs fixing in the house that makes it unsafe for her to stay there?, or like others have said don;t say where you are going, we didn't have to face that as mum went into a home from hospital and if she asks now when is she going home I always say we are waiting for the doctor - he never appears and it is forgotten until next time Good luck

Yes think you are right, my brother & sister in law are going to take her in by just turning up and taking her in the car. I ‘ll go later with her things . I don’t think I could cope emotionally taking her in myself. With this Covid we can’t enter care home so think they’ll just take Mam at the door. Once she’s settled we can visit although only through a Perspex screen. Will do what care home advise as they’ll have experienced it all before. Thank you for taking time to comment all advice helps