Living with lies

[pae]

I live with my elderly mother who lies about me and says things that aren’t true but she’s not really talking on the phone but she’s not really talking to anybody she just wants me to hear what she saying because I know their lies she will say things like I have not eaten in two weeks I have no way to get to the store My daughter won’t take me to the store and they’re all lies!
He is very abusive calling me names taking her to Sydney and I just don’t know what to do with anymore

 

[canary]

Hello @pae and welcome to the forum

Oh I recognise this! What is happening is called confabulation which is a symptom of mid-stage dementia. It happens when the memory is very poor and the subconscious brain is filling in the gaps with false memories to try and make sense of the memory fragments that they have left. It is not lying, because your mum thinks that the false memories are real ones and its all true. If you try and suggest that she is wrong it will probably make her angry because she knows its true, because she remembers it......

I also recognise those phone calls where she is telling you about you. I used to say "who do you think you are talking to mum?", but it didnt work - she was losing the ability to use the phone. Eventually she had lost the concept of someone being on the other end of the phone and was just talking into it, rather than to me.

I think your mum now needs much more support than she is getting - these sort of confabulations are often the result of anxiety. If you are in UK, perhaps now would be a good time to get a needs assessment from SS (or an updated one) to try and get her more support, but Im wondering whether you are in Australia. If you are, do say because we have several members from Australia and they may be able to help you navigate the care system there.

In the meantime, when your mum is complaining about you, to you, on the phone just go with the flow and say things like - oh Im so sorry, I'll see what I can do. Dont take it personally, although I understand it feels very hurtful
xx

 

[Jale]

Canary always has the wise words. Mum told so many lies about myself and my husband to anyone that would listen and it was very hurtful, many times I would go home in tears, but you do sadly get used to it. If Mum did start I would usually try and leave the room and return a few minutes later when hopefully she had run out of steam and forgotten what she was saying.

You learn how to grow a thick skin when dealing or caring for someone with dementia, never try and tell them they are wrong because you will never win an argument.

 

[TinyMM]

Hello, ive been looking at this forum for awhile now and this post made me sign up.

Me and my husband live with my nan who is currently undiagnosed (we are waiting for a memory clinic appointment). Nan had been showong memory concerns for awhile but out right refusing to go to the doctors.
Recently she had a UTI and was ridiculously confuesed, with that i went to the doctors myself to book an appointment for her.
We successfully went but she doesnt know why even after explaining to her.

Since tbis UTI it has seemed to increase confusion and her anger. She now to is accusing us (especially my husband) of moving or taking things, atm it is silly things like face cream, mugs, place mats. And she will make small lies up which I know are going to get worse and more upsetting.

Its really difficult for us and i do know for her to, we are at the stage we are just waiting and dont know what else we can do?
Im starting to feel like we have to walk on eggshells all the time.

I really feel for you and sorry to jump onto your post. ❤️

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello, ive been looking at this forum for awhile now and this post made me sign up.

Me and my husband live with my nan who is currently undiagnosed (we are waiting for a memory clinic appointment). Nan had been showong memory concerns for awhile but out right refusing to go to the doctors.
Recently she had a UTI and was ridiculously confuesed, with that i went to the doctors myself to book an appointment for her.
We successfully went but she doesnt know why even after explaining to her.

Since tbis UTI it has seemed to increase confusion and her anger. She now to is accusing us (especially my husband) of moving or taking things, atm it is silly things like face cream, mugs, place mats. And she will make small lies up which I know are going to get worse and more upsetting.

Its really difficult for us and i do know for her to, we are at the stage we are just waiting and dont know what else we can do?
Im starting to feel like we have to walk on eggshells all the time.

I really feel for you and sorry to jump onto your post. ❤️

Hello @TinyMM and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am so sorry to read about your nan. Although we cannot diagnose here on the forum some of what you describe is quite typical of dementia. And as you have seen UTI's have a bad effect on people with dementia.
You might find it useful to start a thread in the Memory concerns and waiting a diagnosis area, i have attached a link below.

Memory concerns and seeking a diagnosis

This forum is for people who have concerns about their memory or someone else’s.

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

This link on Compassionate Communication might also be useful, it is not always easy to follow but can help.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

Finally, if you have not already done so it might be a good idea to arrange a needs assessment for your nan and carers assessment for yourself. These can be arranged through your local adult social services.

 

[NATALIE.]

Hello @pae and welcome to the forum

Oh I recognise this! What is happening is called confabulation which is a symptom of mid-stage dementia. It happens when the memory is very poor and the subconscious brain is filling in the gaps with false memories to try and make sense of the memory fragments that they have left. It is not lying, because your mum thinks that the false memories are real ones and its all true. If you try and suggest that she is wrong it will probably make her angry because she knows its true, because she remembers it......

I also recognise those phone calls where she is telling you about you. I used to say "who do you think you are talking to mum?", but it didnt work - she was losing the ability to use the phone. Eventually she had lost the concept of someone being on the other end of the phone and was just talking into it, rather than to me.

I think your mum now needs much more support than she is getting - these sort of confabulations are often the result of anxiety. If you are in UK, perhaps now would be a good time to get a needs assessment from SS (or an updated one) to try and get her more support, but Im wondering whether you are in Australia. If you are, do say because we have several members from Australia and they may be able to help you navigate the care system there.

In the meantime, when your mum is complaining about you, to you, on the phone just go with the flow and say things like - oh Im so sorry, I'll see what I can do. Dont take it personally, although I understand it feels very hurtful
xx

That's really helpful. My mum has recently started with the lying