My mum died suddenly, we found her when we arrived for her birthday lunch. From that day dad in moderate stage could not be left alone as he was a night time pacer and wanderer. I moved in for 10 mths weekdays and sister covered weekends. My children are adults. 9 months in to 24 hr care for dad, husband was diagnosed with leukaemia. Dad had declined dramatically after mum died probably in part due to the trauma of the circumstances which he mostly couldn't make sense of but at the time had fluctuating clarity, a rollercoaster of emotions for him and us.
So with the need to support husband I arranged live in care, tried 2 agencies but for us it didn't work. Regardless of being assured by the agencies the carers had good dementia expertise it was clear neither had a good understanding and dad was too vulnerable by then, we were desperate for it to work to keep dad in his home but when the second carer gave me grave cause for concern I stepped back in and with hufe sadness had to find a good dementia care home so dad could have 24 hour care expertise. As dad was a night time pacer it required 2 carers at night so the live in carer could sleep and I was having to cover 2 hours each day for the carer to have time off, they did Mon to Fri live in and I continued to cover weekends. This was 6 years ago and the 5 day/night cost then was £1500 pw, more than his nursing home where he was for 4 years until he died. Household bills and carer food etc still has to be paid for on top of that. Live in care probably does work for some but not for us unfortunately. Some live in agencies/carers won't handle challenging behaviours as can happen when the illness progresses.
As far as telling your mum the extent of your dad's illness I would if me tend to take your lead from your mum...does she ask where your dad is? If not, which is possible if she is in mid stage, leave it until she does then be fairly vague ie he is a bit unwell at the moment and is being looked after for a while. If she questions it and seems to have more clarity you can expand on the explanation if she doesn't the illness isn't allowing her to register the situation and doubtless she will not understand or remember. At the time of mum's death dad went from fleeting moments of clarity and tears to saying things like 'I feel sorry for whoever is in that box'...at the funeral seeing her coffin not remembering it was his wife, our mum! After a couple of weeks it was clear we needed to change tack and we said we thought mum was shopping and would be back soon...his decline by then was that he didn't understand she had died.
Wishing you all the best trying to juggle parental care with jobs and young children is a no win situation and both your parents would probably say in different circumstances you must put your family first. I had to stop work to look after dad which was ok for me but just the 10 months and sleep deprivation took their toll.
