Keeping my patience

[Chrisbrook]

Hi everyone…my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s back in November last year. He is in the early stages and at 79 he is extremely fit ( rides his bike 20 miles a day and it’s not electric.!) and works hard in our garden. He has shirt term memory loss and is losing his language skills. He is also quite deaf and I have to remind him to put his hearing aids in!
Some days I have to tell him the same things over and over again.
Has anyone any helpful tips on how one keeps one patience? I often mutter under my breath which maybe helps but I can ‘t always quite manage the smile. Is it just me feeling frustrated and angry with myself for not being more understanding….or is it everyone who finds the myself in this awful situation?

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum.

I’m sure most of the members here will recognise how you feel. You might find this link useful -

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

I’m glad you found the forum. Keep posting!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Chrisbrook Welcome.

Most of us find adjusting to a diagnosis of dementia in a person we have known for years as an independent and capable person, not only a deep sorrow but a massive culture shock.

It takes a while to understand and appreciate all the challenges you face are no different from the challenges your husband is facing, the only difference being you are in a position to adjust your behaviour but he is not.

This is not a criticism, please believe me. It`s a statement of fact. It`s also much easier said than done.

My husband died eight years ago and I`ve had a long time to reflect on the mistakes I made and I made many.

The only thing which kept me together was constantly reminding myself to be grateful it wasn`t me with dementia. It could have been so easily.

Some days I have to tell him the same things over and over again.

Is it possible you are telling him too much? Is his mind being jumbled up with too much information? Are your expectations the same as they were before his diagnosis?

I learned to tell my husband as little as possible because he would dwell on too much information which increased his anxiety.

I found the following useful. It isn`t perfect and a tall order to remember it at all times but I think it`s a good guide to help us understand people with dementia just a little bit more.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

I do hope this forum will help you. There are a lot of experienced carers here as well as people with dementia. It`s how I learned when I first joined

 

[sapphire turner]

I agree with all of the above and it doesn’t help getting cross with them but don’t beat yourself up for feeling angry. You have every right to feel all the difficult feelings that come to us all, you just need to vent them somewhere safe like here and not on your poor hapless OH ?

 

[margherita]

Hi @Chrisbrook ,
What used to drive me mad when my husband was at home with me ( he has been in a care home for a year now) was the lack of even a small amount of me time. He kept shadowing and pestering me. If I had had some me time, I suppose I would have been more inclined to be patient

 

[jennifer1967]

i think that its easier when i know my limits. if i have repeated something a number of times, i just leave it and move on to the next thing. i know how much i can take and if i reach that stage, i tend to walk away or do something else to distract me to take the levels down again. im no saint and have argued which isnt good. im learning to just let it wash over me to an extent. they cant change so its up to me to change my reactions to him. it takes time.

 

[Kas 0103]

i think that its easier when i know my limits. if i have repeated something a number of times, i just leave it and move on to the next thing. i know how much i can take and if i reach that stage, i tend to walk away or do something else to distract me to take the levels down again. im no saint and have argued which isnt good. im learning to just let it wash over me to an extent. they cant change so its up to me to change my reactions to him. it takes time.

I am trying to do that too. I hate myself for being ratty with answers but usually it’s because I am absolutely tired to bits; I always apologise, but feel guilty - and my dearly beloved knows exactly which buttons to press to make me feel worse! Someone has once said that you should treat daytime naps as you would with a baby, ie sleep when they do, but I worry that I will sleep so heavily, I won’t hear if my husband gets up!

 

[jennifer1967]

I am trying to do that too. I hate myself for being ratty with answers but usually it’s because I am absolutely tired to bits; I always apologise, but feel guilty - and my dearly beloved knows exactly which buttons to press to make me feel worse! Someone has once said that you should treat daytime naps as you would with a baby, ie sleep when they do, but I worry that I will sleep so heavily, I won’t hear if my husband gets up!

maybe a pressure mat so you can hear it when he gets up. i have an hour in the afternoon as im on oramorph as well just to rest , think my own thoughts not necessarily to sleep but i do usually have 1/2 hr but just to regroup and keep going

 

[canary]

Tiredness always makes things harder and if you are chronically tired Im not surprised that you are feeling ratty.

You really need a break, so that you can relax (and maybe sleep). Could you find someone to take him out somewhere regularly? Or someone to do gardening with him? Age UK and other charities can provide a befriending service, care agencies will also do this (although it costs more through them), or you may be able to find a volunteer willing to do this.

But please get help
xx

 

[Kas 0103]

maybe a pressure mat so you can hear it when he gets up. i have an hour in the afternoon as im on oramorph as well just to rest , think my own thoughts not necessarily to sleep but i do usually have 1/2 hr but just to regroup and keep going

What an excellent thought! Will investigate… ?

 

[Kas 0103]

Tiredness always makes things harder and if you are chronically tired Im not surprised that you are feeling ratty.

You really need a break, so that you can relax (and maybe sleep). Could you find someone to take him out somewhere regularly? Or someone to do gardening with him? Age UK and other charities can provide a befriending service, care agencies will also do this (although it costs more through them), or you may be able to find a volunteer willing to do this.

But please get help
xx

Thanks, I’ll investigate further regarding help from the sources you’ve mentioned. You’re very kind to take the trouble to think of possible solutions for us. xx

 

[Pam80]

maybe a pressure mat so you can hear it when he gets up. i have an hour in the afternoon as im on oramorph as well just to rest , think my own thoughts not necessarily to sleep but i do usually have 1/2 hr but just to regroup and keep going

 

[Zebra123]

Welcome to the forum.

I’m sure most of the members here will recognise how you feel. You might find this link useful -

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

I’m glad you found the forum. Keep posting!

Just wanted to let you know how very helpful this link has proven to be. Thank you. I shall start adopting this approach with my OH straight away. xx

 

[Izzy]

Just wanted to let you know how very helpful this link has proven to be. Thank you. I shall start adopting this approach with my OH straight away. xx

I’m so glad you found it helpful @Zebra123.