Is this last stage

[wonderwoman]

My father has taken to his bed and does not want to move. When he does get up he paces constantly banging doors etc. cpn suggesting he would be better off in care home very upset by her comments as i gave up work to look after him. Is it possible to keep them at home in later stages. Does a cpn have the right to tell u what to do. I welcome any help. Still very upset.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I was not able to move my mother to my home but she was very aggressive and violent. I know there are other members who were able to do so but it is a very difficult process.

There is no shame in having a loved one go into care and anyone who tries to suggest such a thing is wrong and cruel.

 

[stanleypj]

My father has taken to his bed and does not want to move. When he does get up he paces constantly banging doors etc. cpn suggesting he would be better off in care home very upset by her comments as i gave up work to look after him. Is it possible to keep them at home in later stages. Does a cpn have the right to tell u what to do. I welcome any help. Still very upset.

As Joanne says there's no shame involved in having a loved one go into care.

I don't believe the cpn has any power to override your wishes. It is possible to keep someone at home depending on their needs and whether there is enough appropriate support. People on TP have done it.

But it's probably best to keep an open mind on the issue if you can. Then if you find that it's not possible to see it through, you may feel able to accept what becomes inevitable.

 

[wonderwoman]

Thank you for your comments, i will try to keep a open mind. I look after my dad 24 hours a day and gave up my job to do so.

If as you say it is inevitable why are we even bothering to try.

As Joanne says there's no shame involved in having a loved one go into care.

I don't believe the cpn has any power to override your wishes. It is possible to keep someone at home depending on their needs and whether there is enough appropriate support. People on TP have done it.

But it's probably best to keep an open mind on the issue if you can. Then if you find that it's not possible to see it through, you may feel able to accept what becomes inevitable.

 

[stanleypj]

Sorry, I didn't say it was inevitable.

But you may reach a point where it becomes inevitable - e.g your own health might break down.

I would think that if someone had invested emotionally so much in the idea of keeping their loved one at home and then found it was no longer possible, for whatever reason, it would be even harder to accept.

I've read enough on TP to know that many people start out with the idea that they will keep their loved one at home but that circumstances often defeat them.

I have the same view as you. But I've realised, from reading other people's experiences, that it will probably be in my interest, and ultimately my wife's, not to assume that I'll be able to see it through.

Hope that at least makes sense.

 

[Emomam]

Keep strong

Thank you for your comments, i will try to keep a open mind. I look after my dad 24 hours a day and gave up my job to do so.

If as you say it is inevitable why are we even bothering to try.

I look after my mum 24/7 too and have for the last 4.5 years. Like you I gave up my job. I don't regret anything. We do it to help someone we love have some quality of life with dementia. But, I have made the difficult decision to let mum go into care.

Mum doesn't always know me now, doesn't do any hobbies anymore, cannot read books, doesn't enjoy the tv, gets anxious if we got out and thinks she is already in a home. I have no quality time with her as I am too busy caring for her. I want her to be able to feel normal with other people like her before she loses her speech. I have done everything I possibly can but she is not happy at home anymore because she doesn't recognise it. I feel like I'm the one who is selfish by trying to keep her at home and alive for as long as possible.

You don't have to do anything that you don't want to but maybe you can get help to make it easier to look after him at home. It's not easy looking after someone you love but your doing it for the right reasons.

 

[stanleypj]

Just read your comment on another thread.

Why are you thinking your two years of care for your father have been in vain? What more important thing can there be in life than to look after a loved one when they need you? I'm sure your pre-dementia dad would be proud of what you're doing.

The cpn doesn't know about all that you've put into this, probably knows little about your relationship, probably hasn't been a carer, simply doesn't understand what this means to you.

Try to forget what she said.

A district nurse said this to me when my wife was going through a particularly tormented and aggressive stage. Three years later we are in a very much better place - and she's still here. Your dad won't always be like he is now and, in some ways, it may become easier to help him.

The physical aspects will usually become harder of course and we're in that situation now. But there are usually ways to cope if you look hard enough.

Please keep reading and posting.

And forget about that cpn.

 

[Kathphlox]

I wouldn't say that was the last stage by any means. We went through a lot more stages after that (but everyone is different).. and I would say what you're seeing now is the 'most' difficult stage to handle. The last stage for me and Dad was him being unable to move and bedridden, having to use a hoist, a special support chair and a hospital bed.

But I will never ever forget the words of my Dad while he was still able to speak and string a sentence together... He said... 'I don't know what I would do without you'.

So I was with him until the end, because I was able to and because I was very lucky

If you think of the end as the end of your ability, then feel good about making sure he's in the best possible place where they can carry on your good work, you did everything possible you could do. Then you can see him being looked after with your mind at ease

 

[wonderwoman]

I wouldn't say that was the last stage by any means. We went through a lot more stages after that (but everyone is different).. and I would say what you're seeing now is the 'most' difficult stage to handle. The last stage for me and Dad was him being unable to move and bedridden, having to use a hoist, a special support chair and a hospital bed.

But I will never ever forget the words of my Dad while he was still able to speak and string a sentence together... He said... 'I don't know what I would do without you'.

So I was with him until the end, because I was able to and because I was very lucky

If you think of the end as the end of your ability, then feel good about making sure he's in the best possible place where they can carry on your good work, you did everything possible you could do. Then you can see him being looked after with your mind at ease

Thank you for your reply you are a amazing lady

 

[wonderwoman]

Sorry, I didn't say it was inevitable.

But you may reach a point where it becomes inevitable - e.g your own health might break down.

I would think that if someone had invested emotionally so much in the idea of keeping their loved one at home and then found it was no longer possible, for whatever reason, it would be even harder to accept.

I've read enough on TP to know that many people start out with the idea that they will keep their loved one at home but that circumstances often defeat them.

I have the same view as you. But I've realised, from reading other people's experiences, that it will probably be in my interest, and ultimately my wife's, not to assume that I'll be able to see it through.

Hope that at least makes sense.

Thank you for your reply, your right about not being in your best interest.

 

[BR_ANA]

Stages of dementia http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=968591

Any stage can be the last, it depends of others diseases.

 

[Kathphlox]

wonderwoman, you can only do your best. If it beats you. then at least you tried your best.

 

[Shadrach]

Hi
I have experience of caring for a relative at home , it's very difficult to let go but I think it's better for the person to be in a care home in the end.
They get all the care they need there plus extra care with you visiting them, most places have lots of activities to keep their minds active and keep them entertained.
We tend to visit my granny's in the evenings as she gets her meals during he day and some activities which is enough to keep her mind occupied.
Then I think us visiting in the evening is something else for her to look forward to.
It's very difficult to let go but u might find it will help as you get rest yourself then u look forward to go visit ur relative.
Caring for somebody with dementia is hard work and exhausting.
I hope everything works out for you xx

 

[lin1]

Hello wonderwoman.
The CPN alone can't force you only suggest.
What I will say is that many have the full intention of looking after their relation and keeping them out of residential care.
Sometimes circumstances force the issue IMO mostly because this vile condition and the lack of suitable help, places far too much strain on the person caring for them. Causing carer breakdown.

I did similar to you, I took what my firm called a career break to look after mum.
It was suggested several times by mums consultant and GP's that we put mum in the very good home not far from us.
The thing is the professionals don't know what we carers can cope with, we all have different strengths, we all have a point we won't cross.
For some it is personal care of a parent .

Few of us are able to do what we really want to do and their is as others have already said, no shame in having have to place a loved one into residential care. IMO the shame is on the dreadful lack of good care to assist us in our aim to look after our relative properly .

 

[Varandas]

So I was with him until the end, [U]because I was able to and because I was very lucky [/U]If you think of the end as the end of your ability,....

I repeat Kathphlox's words and you can look after your Dad as you wish. Many others have done it before.
Just think of yourself first, your health and be strong to be next to him.
Get help - you alone 24/7 is humanly impossible and most of all because you love your dad and this feeling in itself is not possible to let go; but get help from others to care and look after him as well.
Be strong and warm wishes to you
Courage

 

[Kathphlox]

@wonderwoman

If as you say it is inevitable why are we even bothering to try.

Trying is the optimum word here, I really think this decision is made in your own mind already, but this is no bad thing, only you can decide.

If you are not totally able to cope, then there is no shame in that, let him go before it kills you... because it bloo*y well will given a chance.