Is his moaning justified?

[Jayne1962]

Hi I posted a week ago about my dad going into a care home.he has (I think) come to terms with staying and according to staff has settled in.
The problem is every time I go to visit he moans about things-from not letting him be alone,not giving him enough to eat and people stealing his things to name but a few! As well as not letting him go to the toilet!
How do I know if he’s telling the truth or it’s just his dementia? He said he didn’t have breakfast but I asked and they said he’d had porridge a full English and toast!!
Do i believe him ?? He wouldn’t tell lies in his normal (before) dementia life?

 

[Jessbow]

I ont think he's lying as such. Ask the carers. If you are happy overall, I'd be inclinded to believe their version.
Dont forget why he is there

( In my exprience there was plenty to eat in Mums care home- was constant! Seemed like any excuse for cake or a snack)

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Jayne1962 , your dad is probably forgotten that he had breakfast. As for people stealing things, did he used to hid things before he went into care? If he did he might have hidden whatever it is he's lost and can't find it. However notions of ownership are pretty vague in care homes. My mum helped herself to other people's clothes, glasses etc and left her belongings in other people's rooms, so worth marking every thing you can. If he needs help to go to the toilet it might e that someone was too busy to help at the time he needed it.
Your first port of call is his carers, to ask them how he's settling in. You could also book an appointment to see the manager to ask her how it's all going.

 

[MrCanuck]

For those PWD who have lost their short term memory they will often forget that they have eaten, so they complain that they were not given anything. They are not lying, they just have no recollection that they have had a meal. Some of the other things you may be told could also be confabulations, theirs or repeated from other residents. Again, not lies but also not real either - maybe. Some stories have some grain of truth embedded within. For example, when someone misplaces or hides something and they can't find it they will say that it was stolen. As well, other residents often pick up items that they come across. This happens all the time. If you leave something out on a desk or dresser it will surely disappear at some point, so make sure not to leave any valuables around. My mother used to trade clothes with another lady at her care home and then would forget and say someone was stealing her shirts and we would have to go and collect her things again.

Some stories are easier than others to distinguish truth from fiction. My mom once asked me to bring her in a gun because all the other residents had guns and she needed one too. I'm pretty sure all the other residents were not packing heat

Sometimes you can get caught though. On several visits my mom told me how she spent the day with her best friend "Ann". Ann was a school friend from over 70 years ago. I thought, well, that's nice if she thinks that. Then, one afternoon as I was walking with mom down the hall, a woman pushing her mother in a wheelchair came up to us and said hello. She introduced herself and explained her mother, Ann, was best friend with my mother back in school.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Mum complained about many things when I visited her: no food all week because the chef had been sacked, a truck that drove into her (first floor) bathroom, children being murdered in the night and carried out to waiting trucks so nobody saw them, a man exploding in the corridor... There was a film crew making a documentary that mum was starring in, numerous weddings, oh - and one time the place went up in flames. You name it, it all happened there.

One of those was true
(Well, partially true!)

As for letting people to the toilet, not only do care homes not have any toilets or staff, they certainly won't let anyone go. (Again, according to my mum.)

In the end, I realised that moaning, complaining and blaming me was just mum's favourite hobby.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

@Jayne1962 Whether it's the actual truth or not, it's the truth as your Father sees it. Respond to the underlying feeling, if you can. He might just be enjoying having a little moan, or he might be feeling anxious or upset about something that's happened (or even something he just thinks has happened, but is real to him). People with Dementia are often confused, anxious and frightened. Your Dad might just want some reassurance that everything is OK and someone is listening. As already posted above, ask the staff if he's settling in OK.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

Sometimes you can get caught though. On several visits my mom told me how she spent the day with her best friend "Ann". Ann was a school friend from over 70 years ago. I thought, well, that's nice if she thinks that. Then, one afternoon as I was walking with mom down the hall, a woman pushing her mother in a wheelchair came up to us and said hello. She introduced herself and explained her mother, Ann, was best friend with my mother back in school.

Awww, that's so sweet ??.

 

[imthedaughter]

My dad says stuff like that - 'they're all crackers in here' 'people take things' and 'they have a massive tureen of soup in the kitchen, always bubbling away and they put meat stock in or whatever is leftover, I can taste it.' I have always followed his complaints up in a friendly or covert manner, as I would hate for him to tell me something true and important and me dismiss it, but it's usually confabulation. In my dad's case he always says he hasn't eaten yet when in reality he barely stops eating - if it's not a meal it's a biscuit. He just doesn't remember. I always say I will deal with it in whatever the most appropriate way would be, and he has an agreement that if he's hungry, or doesn't like a meal, fruit, tea and toast is always available.

 

[Jayne1962]

Thanks everyone for your input! I guess I’m just still in denial that only half of him has dementia and the other half is my old dad who never lies ! I have enquired to the manager who says he’s settled in fine she asked if there was any problems just ask ?

 

[Jessbow]

Reminds me of my mothers best friend ( not!) in the nursing home.
When mum and dad married in 1950's, they shared a house with Ena & Syd

On her firstday in the home , a lady came scurrying through.

''hello Ena'' says Mum
''My names isnt Ena'' shrieked the lady.

Why hadnt we told her Ena was going to be there? Well, How were we to know?

I went back th following day to be told by mum that it was a terrible shame that poor En didnt recognise her, and didnt even know her own name!

I did try and correct her but i gave up, as she believed she WAS Ena and it was nice to be staying there with her.

I used to visit every day, and everyday Mum complained she'd not seen me for weeks!
I started going every other day then....and she still said the same

 

[canary]

My mum made friends with another lady who moved in at about the same time as mum. They were both utterly convinced that they had been childhood friends, had been to school together, worked together, went to each others weddings , etc etc and then moved to the care home together. In reality they had never met before, but they used to tell me what they used to get up to as children and at work. It was very sweet and they remained friends right up to the end. Strangely enough, they died within 24 hrs of each other.

 

[Jayne1962]

My dad says stuff like that - 'they're all crackers in here' 'people take things' and 'they have a massive tureen of soup in the kitchen, always bubbling away and they put meat stock in or whatever is leftover, I can taste it.' I have always followed his complaints up in a friendly or covert manner, as I would hate for him to tell me something true and important and me dismiss it, but it's usually confabulation. In my dad's case he always says he hasn't eaten yet when in reality he barely stops eating - if it's not a meal it's a biscuit. He just doesn't remember. I always say I will deal with it in whatever the most appropriate way would be, and he has an agreement that if he's hungry, or doesn't like a meal, fruit, tea and toast is always available.

My dad also says they’re all crackers in here but I know this time he is telling the truth! One or two are with it but I keep trying to get him to strike up a friendship and he says every one sleeps all day-probably him too!

 

[imthedaughter]

My dad also says they’re all crackers in here but I know this time he is telling the truth! One or two are with it but I keep trying to get him to strike up a friendship and he says every one sleeps all day-probably him too!

Actually on that particular point I did ask the home and dad is the only one with mental health/brain/dementia issues, everyone else has capacity but has other problems: so although he thinks they're all crackers...
I don't really remember either of my parents having real friends and any customers he was friendly with got pushed away as dementia took hold. He's not made any friends at the home either but he's not likely to now as he never leaves his room.

 

[Jale]

When mum first went into her nursing home she would say daily that - she hadn't had anything to eat,drink, hadn't seen anyone, "they" are all nosy/horrible and the list went on. At one point she had a man sleeping under her bed or in her wardrobe!
Looking at her record she was eating full english breakfast, porridge, toast, tea and orange juice, cooked meal and dessert and then sandwiches and cake for tea and that was without the various treats/biscuits that she had during the day. People being nosy was mainly directed at the activities staff when they were having a show and tell session, mum refused to tell them anything even though I knew at the time she was capable of talking to them about things.
I think a PWD there perception of things change, so in their mind what they are now saying is the truth, but our perception is slightly different.
Have a word with the staff, if they have a daily record book have a look at it - if nothing else hopefully it will put your mind at rest.