Introduction

[ClaireN]

Hello all. I have just joined this forum for advice and support.
My father is 88 years old (good age I know) and my mother is 87 and full time carer for my dad. She has always been an active person for her age. I check in on them both regularly.
My dad is declining, completely draining my mum, understandably at her age. He is deaf too so an added strain and he refuses to wear his hearing aid! He is constantly repeating himself, walking around with a calendar, still getting the days mixed up. Waking my mum in the middle of the night, thinking its daytime.
He has also started getting very aggressive towards mum, threatening to be physical.
I had Social Services involved some months ago. We discussed respite care, but he still knows the family and knows his home and refused to go anywhere. It was all I could do to encourage him to go to a day centre once a week to give mum a break but as soon as he got back she would have it for the whole of the next week (day and night) that he wasnt going again. This as a result was short lived and he went about 4 times, then refused to go anymore.
Mum is now not well and experiencing regular episodes of being unwell. She is physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I have now had to re-refer to Social Services as I really need help to get him into at least respite care, so mum can concentrate on herself. Ideally i would like him to go into a care home permanently, but I know he will refuse.
Does anyone else have these issues and can you give some tips on the way forward? TIA

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome to the forum Claire.

You’re doing the right thing getting another referral to SS. Can I ask if your mum would be ok with your dad going into a carehome? If she agrees that it’s necessary it will make it easier than if you’re fighting them both!

You need to stress that your mum is nearing carer breakdown and is no longer able to care for your dad - hardly surprising at 87 - and also that your father is getting aggressive and threatening violence. This should be enough of a red flag for them to seriously consider a carehome placement for your dad even if he doesn’t agree.

It might be an idea to give SS a nudge and point out that your parents are vulnerable and your mum is exhausted so needs respite as a matter of urgency.

Does your father’s GP know about the agression and the wakeful nights? There may be medication which can help and your father can also be checked for any infection which may be making his behaviour worse.

 

[Gosling]

Hello and welcome @ClaireN to this friendly and supportive forum. I am glad you have found us.

You have received sound advice from @Bunpoots , which I strongly echo. Your poor Mum must be frazzled, so do stress and home in on the urgency of all of this to SS. It certainly sounds as though your parents are vulnerable.
I hope you manage to progress things and please do let us know how you get on. Wishing you strength to go through the minefield of all this. They don't make it easy,