I have a husband with Alzheimer’s

[Anndi]

He was officially diagnosed nearly 2 years ago when he was 76 but his symptoms started 4+ years ago.
I am struggling to cope at present & just want to run away.
He is in total denial so will not accept any help, which means I am trapped, unable to leave him for more than about 2/3 hours. He wants to come everywhere with me & I feel guilty if I leave him alone. He has absolutely no hobbies or interests. He is originally from Asia but has been in UK for 50+ years. His friends have either passed on or deserted him.
We have only been married for 2.5 years but together for 14years. I am unable to visit my children/grandchildren in other parts of the country. His son comes every 4/6 weeks for a few hours.
He is aggressive to me if I suggest getting some help & has hit me a couple times during the past year. We are in contact with all the usual agencies but no one seems to be able to help as he refuses to cooperate. He is totally dependant on me so I do not know what to do to give myself some regular breaks. The MHU day he does not have capacity to make decisions but social services disagree with the specialist doctor. He is brilliant at hiding his problems in front of visitors!
I don’t want to run away but do not know what else to do to get the occasional break. I miss my children & their families so much.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Anndi, you are welcome here.

That is a distressing situation for you. You do not have to accept any level of violence. Please speak to the experts on the help line, details as follows

National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

 

[marionq]

Aggression and violence are lines in the sand. You must not tolerate this. It is too dangerous. Keeping contact with your family has to be your first step and either he has to be left alone or a sitter provided. You need help with this and Pete has given you a start with that phone number. Telling your GP and social services about your situation.......frequently........until they help may be necessary.

The second step is to stop feeling guilty. You didn't cause this illness and you have helped him but you are entitled to a life free from fear and stress.

 

[karaokePete]

@Anndi, here is a link to a thread about how to communicate with a person with dementia that has some good hints about how to take the heat out of situations when interacting with a your husband https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
When dealing with your husband try to keep a phone on you and have a secure room to which you can retreat if he gets violent. If possible, the room should have an escape route, like a ground floor window. Call the police if violence is involved - this may seem harsh to you but it gets a record of such incidents into the system so that the agencies will have to pay more attention to your case. Here is a link to an AS Factsheet about aggressive behaviour, which I hope will help you https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...ctsheet_dementia_and_aggressive_behaviour.pdf

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Anndi. The line is drawn when you are in danger of physical violence.

Social Services may disagree with the specialist doctor at the Mental Health Unit but they cannot disagree with their duty of care to two vulnerable adults. You, because you are at risk of physical harm and your husband because he may be a victim of his own dementia.

Many people with dementia are able to put on a good front for professionals and it is only the primary carer who sees the real person. When I was concerned about my husband`s failing mobility he convinced the visiting physiotherapist he had the agility of a mountain goat.

Please don`t accept social services` refusal to consider your needs. I know they are over subscribed to the nth degree but if you refuse to accept their decision and continue to apply for support, stating the risk factors, the `hostess mode` your husband is able to apply and the danger of you walking away , you may eventually be heard.

 

[Anndi]

Thank you all for your advice. I am still finding my way around this site & not sure if this is the right way to reply.

The police are already involved. I will try & continue looking after him as long as possible. There has been no actual violence in the last 7 months, just aggression & loss of temper if he doesn’t get his own way.
I just lost the plot this am but feel better after my rant. Thank you for listening.
I don’t think I will actually run away but do want to see my family.
I will follow up on some of your suggestions to get help.
This disease has destroyed a loving, bright man & I miss him.

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi Andi. The best way to respond to posts in a specific thread is to use the blue "Post Reply" button. I'm going to merge this with your original thread.

 

[kindred]

Thank you all for your advice. I am still finding my way around this site & not sure if this is the right way to reply.

The police are already involved. I will try & continue looking after him as long as possible. There has been no actual violence in the last 7 months, just aggression & loss of temper if he doesn’t get his own way.
I just lost the plot this am but feel better after my rant. Thank you for listening.
I don’t think I will actually run away but do want to see my family.
I will follow up on some of your suggestions to get help.
This disease has destroyed a loving, bright man & I miss him.

Sweetheart, I know and I am so so sorry. I had a very similar situation and I miss my OH so much, too. Of course you want to see your family. Keep that in mind, talk to us, and find a way.