I feel so conflicted

[Daisymay1]

After my brother and myself looking after mam for the past 5 years, she goes into a carehome on Tuesday.
Even without the advancing dementia and the "need" to get the babies home (wandering!), she was struggling to manage the stairs and was repeatedly falling out of bed.
Its a lovely carehome, she will have company, a garden and care and although she doesnt want to leave her home we know its for the best. We have had to lie and say its just a 2 day assessment. When we have tried to broach the carehome subject before she gets so distressed and very agitated that we knew there was no way we could get her there calmly (..major guilt!!)
I just feel really emotional. I think its hitting home. Everytime I go to see her I am acutely aware it is the last Saturday, Sunday, last drive to her house with her there etc
Maybe its because its the end of this section of our lives, maybe its guilt, and even a little relief that I can "standdown"( more guilt 😔)
I know i wont be alone feeling like this, but just wanted to write it down and share. Thank you for reading. I will post an update when we get to the other side.

 

[Izzy]

It must be so hard for you and your brother. I hope everything goes well with the move.

Wishing you strength.

 

[Grannie G]

Good luck @Daisymay1

So many of us know how it is for you and there is no way to rid ourselves of this dreadful feeling.

All I can say is I had this experience with my mother and my husband and although it was as traumatic as anything could be it turned out well in both cases.

Your mother is not safe living by herself and you`ve done the best for her by finding somewhere you feel happy with.

Give her time to settle. Blame everything on the doctor and hold it together for her.

 

[canary]

I think everyone feels that way when a relative has to move to a care home, @Daisymay1 . Your head knows its the right thing to do, but your heart hasnt yet caught up.

You will both need time to adjust to this new way of life
xx

 

[Maria83]

I know exactly how you feel. My mum ended up in a care home after repeated falls and hospital admissions- the hospital eventually wouldn't discharge her home alone so we were forced to find a place. Mum has settled ok bur still asks to go home/why can't she go home etc. Its really heartbreaking and I feel awful. But I also know if she went home she'd end up having another fall at some point. The move has also exposed other issues such as self care and not eating and drinking, so I know she is much better off staying in the home. I can't help feeling really guilty though - as another poster said, blame the doctor/professionals! I hope the move goes as well as it can x

 

[Jessie5]

I was astounded by the intense grief I felt when my Mum went in to a care home, 2 years ago now. I think a lot of it was pent up grief from the previous years of caring for her, plus guilt and it being the end of an era. The first few months were tough but she settled and life is so much better. I didn’t realize how intense the constant worry had been until it ceased! I’ve had 2 years of being her daughter not her frazzled carer for which I am grateful.

Best of luck. I’m sure you will feel all sorts of emotions over the coming days. But your head knows this is for the best. You’ve got this. Please be kind to yourself.

 

[Daisymay1]

Good luck @Daisymay1

So many of us know how it is for you and there is no way to rid ourselves of this dreadful feeling.

All I can say is I had this experience with my mother and my husband and although it was as traumatic as anything could be it turned out well in both cases.

Your mother is not safe living by herself and you`ve done the best for her by finding somewhere you feel happy with.

Give her time to settle. Blame everything on the doctor and hold it together for her.

Thank you, yes we blamed the social worker 😆. Thank you for your kind reply

 

[Daisymay1]

I know exactly how you feel. My mum ended up in a care home after repeated falls and hospital admissions- the hospital eventually wouldn't discharge her home alone so we were forced to find a place. Mum has settled ok bur still asks to go home/why can't she go home etc. Its really heartbreaking and I feel awful. But I also know if she went home she'd end up having another fall at some point. The move has also exposed other issues such as self care and not eating and drinking, so I know she is much better off staying in the home. I can't help feeling really guilty though - as another poster said, blame the doctor/professionals! I hope the move goes as well as it can x

Thank you. I am dreading her aski g to go home, but the care home seem to know how to handle these blips.

 

[AmIgullible?]

After my brother and myself looking after mam for the past 5 years, she goes into a carehome on Tuesday.
Even without the advancing dementia and the "need" to get the babies home (wandering!), she was struggling to manage the stairs and was repeatedly falling out of bed.
Its a lovely carehome, she will have company, a garden and care and although she doesnt want to leave her home we know its for the best. We have had to lie and say its just a 2 day assessment. When we have tried to broach the carehome subject before she gets so distressed and very agitated that we knew there was no way we could get her there calmly (..major guilt!!)
I just feel really emotional. I think its hitting home. Everytime I go to see her I am acutely aware it is the last Saturday, Sunday, last drive to her house with her there etc
Maybe its because its the end of this section of our lives, maybe its guilt, and even a little relief that I can "standdown"( more guilt 😔)
I know i wont be alone feeling like this, but just wanted to write it down and share. Thank you for reading. I will post an update when we get to the other side.

I’ve just read all of the replies below and I agree with everyone. Nothing prepares you for this. I visit mum nearly every day. I’m now the only person she recognises in the family. That alone is hard as therE is so much bitterness and jealousy. I have literally blocked all of my family from contacting me tonight because I’m on the edge.

It’s really hard for me to watch mum shitting and peeing herself. She wipes her mouth on her clothes and exposes her naked breasts. She cries for me all the time when I’m not there.

My mum was always so particular about her appearance. Her hair especially. She looks like a bag lady. I don’t want her to have visitors. The old mum would be so distressed to think that people are seeing her like this. I am distressed for her. And I’m certainly going to ensure it never happens to me.

You have done the right thing. You will be a different person after this experience. I cry such a lot about my mum. And actually, she was a lousy mother. But I wouldn’t want any human being to have to go through this.

Chin up. We are all here for you to vent/cry.