Hi I am new to this forum and would just like to get things off my chest. I am an only child, late 50s and after my mother died in 2004 I had to become more involved with my dad. At first he seemed to cope ok, then about 5 years ago I noticed silly little things happening. My dad at this point was still driving his mobility car, and one day we went out in his car, and he did several things I considered dangerous, having been a fabulous driver before. When he opened his car door onto a cyclist I decided that was enough,took over driving as I was his appointed driver, and made an appointment with his doctor. I told the doctor everything, he called dad in for an assessment ( I took him) and informed him at that point (dad was 78 then) that he had failed the memory tests, and that the GP would be informing the DVLA he was no longer fit to drive. Dad was devastated but said rather than have his licence taken away, he would contact them himself and voluntarily give it up, which we did that day. I heaved a great sigh of relief, not just for dad, but for the innocent people he could have maimed or killed. I have absolutely no regret in doing this, and cannot understand why people are struggling with this. What if your loved ones kill somebody and you didnt act, I felt I had a duty of care to the general public as well as my dad.
I then became dads taxi service to take him to appointments and shopping, which was hard as I work full time, but we worked things out and it all ticked over reasonably smoothly until 2009 when dad became increasingly confused and was starting to make simple mistakes and forget a lot more. At this point we consulted his doctor who said it was just old age, so I carried on as before. In November 2010 my dad displayed symptoms of a mild stroke, so I drove him to casualty, (he refused an ambulance in past even when having a heart attack!) and they did all the tests and agreed it looked like TIA's and he was admitted. Dad was in hospital for 10 days, he was falling, slurring his words a bit, and really not himself BUT they were quite happy to send him home knowing he lived alone in an upstairs flat with no lift. We were given a hospital social worker and home he came, I took some time unpaid off work, and set to trying to get dad a move into a downstairs flat. After 3 weeks the social worker was very abrupt with me because I phoned him 3 times a week to see if any progress was being made, in this time he did not bother to come to see dad in his circumstances and dad could only get up and down stairs now with me helping him, pushing him up from behind and walking backwards down in front of him. Dad had a permanently dropped foot after his hospital stay, and to this day it has not changed, he stumbles a lot. Eventually I snapped and informed the social worker I thought he was negligent in his duty of care and insisted he handed us over early to social workers in elderly care in community. Am I glad I did this, I was appointed a social worker, who came out within 2 days to see dad, and she took one look at dads flight of 14 concrete stairs, and another at him, and said this is disgusting, your dad is a prisoner in here! We had an offer of a flat in an extra care housing scheme within 2 weeks, which of course we took. Dad has lived in this place in a 2nd floor flat with a lift since December 2010. We have a package of care which is mornings and evenings to dispense dads meds which are now locked up due to his accidentally forgetting he had taken meds and taking 3 doses in one day. Dad has a history of heart attacks, angina and a previous broken back so in a lot of pain at times. After a few months and seeing a gradual decline, I asked for a mental health assessment, and eventually we got the diagnosis of vascular dementia, and I was told at some point dad might not know me. Dad is forgetting lots of people, having anxiety attacks and has now been prescribed a sedative to take for when he is struggling. He is now having hallucinations and has 3 times been looking for mum and when I remind him mum died, he cries, then shouts at me for not telling him, though he was there with me when she died. I am finding this the worst, to keep having to help him grieve is awful, luckily he seems to remember within a couple of days. I get constant phone calls, usually about what day is it, and why havent I come round sometimes getting morning and night wrong and it is wearing me down. Apart from carers I have no help, and they dont seem to follow dads care plan properly. I looked into being his carer, but am sorry, I cannot afford to give up 3 days work a week and lose so much money to get £55 a week back for caring for dad. I am not being selfish, I simply cannot afford to pay my bills so must work. Dad loses money, or is duped, I cant prove anything, so have taken over his finances for him, paying all bills, being on account so I can access money for him from cash machines as he cannot do the pin number thing, or even simple banking now. Recently I have been diagnosed with psoriasis, never had this in my life, my doctor says it is due to stress, my company recently asked me how long would this go on that I would need to have unpaid time off for dads appointments and when he is in distress, and I lost it and answered when he dies!!! To explain I am a carer myself, and have been for 19 years, and thought better of a caring company not understanding my predicament. Dad is lucky with finances, having been awarded mobility many years before due to ill health, he now gets the higher component and extra pension credit so is spot on with money, but will he spend it???? NO!!!! I have now employed a PA for dad to lighten my load and take him out while I am at work, and a cleaner to save me doing this, as I do have my own home to clean, work full time, and support a step son with scizophrenia, no wonder am stressed lol. I have had some problems with his carers not following the care plan, and it really upsets me, because the time they are given to do these things, is in excess of the time it takes, so there is no excuse. At first they resented me, so I had a meeting with their manager, and explained that I was a carer, I knew that a care plan was a legal document, and that I would not tolerate the care plan not being adhered to without taking it further. Result is I now have direct email to manager, and report things directly to her, as carers seems to change. There are some good ones, and they have learned that I am not an ogre, but I am my dads advocate and will make sure he gets everything he is entitled to, and wont accept **** carers. I did actually tell them at one point I would employ my own team, and that didnt go down well as a big company and social services use them a lot. I have regular meetings with social workers (who change all the time) care managers, dads warden who is only there day times and weekdays but really gets on with dad and helps him a lot. I now am struggling with getting him to pay for things, so have had to tell him everybody is a volunteer and pay them direct from his account, lol the things you do to keep the peace. He pretended to be out when his chiropodist came recently, as he didnt want to pay her, so I am now paying that direct and she is another volunteer!!!! Dad is very mixed up, slurs his words at times and he does not drink, it is the TIAs but I have taken the decision to let nature take its course, as dad has said many times he has had enough, and has mentioned suicide but then says but I wont do it because the insurance wont pay out! Dad loses things, so I have had to remove all important documents and store them at home, as one day they will be needed. Sorry to have gone on, it has helped writing this all down, but main thing is, do other people feel so angry sometimes when the phone keeps ringing, you have to drop things and go round to sort out yet again, his tv is up the creek, because he has the wrong page open on tv mag, or even next weeks mag? I even unplugged my house phone and turned off my mobile the other night because I had been 3 times that evening, and just couldnt cope with any more. IT is not dads fault, he cant remember doing these things, he just seems to retreat a little more each day into confusion, and I feel so bad for him. I have done everything the OTs told me to, he has a memory board, his date is put onto it each day, he is reminded every morning what day it is, but I do not know how much more I will be able to do, as I need to have some life myself. Went on holiday recently and came back psoriasis free, relaxed, only back a couple of hours and went to dads and I felt as bad as before. I love the dad I had, but this dad I have now, feels like my child? Do others feel so guilty like me? Teanosugar
I then became dads taxi service to take him to appointments and shopping, which was hard as I work full time, but we worked things out and it all ticked over reasonably smoothly until 2009 when dad became increasingly confused and was starting to make simple mistakes and forget a lot more. At this point we consulted his doctor who said it was just old age, so I carried on as before. In November 2010 my dad displayed symptoms of a mild stroke, so I drove him to casualty, (he refused an ambulance in past even when having a heart attack!) and they did all the tests and agreed it looked like TIA's and he was admitted. Dad was in hospital for 10 days, he was falling, slurring his words a bit, and really not himself BUT they were quite happy to send him home knowing he lived alone in an upstairs flat with no lift. We were given a hospital social worker and home he came, I took some time unpaid off work, and set to trying to get dad a move into a downstairs flat. After 3 weeks the social worker was very abrupt with me because I phoned him 3 times a week to see if any progress was being made, in this time he did not bother to come to see dad in his circumstances and dad could only get up and down stairs now with me helping him, pushing him up from behind and walking backwards down in front of him. Dad had a permanently dropped foot after his hospital stay, and to this day it has not changed, he stumbles a lot. Eventually I snapped and informed the social worker I thought he was negligent in his duty of care and insisted he handed us over early to social workers in elderly care in community. Am I glad I did this, I was appointed a social worker, who came out within 2 days to see dad, and she took one look at dads flight of 14 concrete stairs, and another at him, and said this is disgusting, your dad is a prisoner in here! We had an offer of a flat in an extra care housing scheme within 2 weeks, which of course we took. Dad has lived in this place in a 2nd floor flat with a lift since December 2010. We have a package of care which is mornings and evenings to dispense dads meds which are now locked up due to his accidentally forgetting he had taken meds and taking 3 doses in one day. Dad has a history of heart attacks, angina and a previous broken back so in a lot of pain at times. After a few months and seeing a gradual decline, I asked for a mental health assessment, and eventually we got the diagnosis of vascular dementia, and I was told at some point dad might not know me. Dad is forgetting lots of people, having anxiety attacks and has now been prescribed a sedative to take for when he is struggling. He is now having hallucinations and has 3 times been looking for mum and when I remind him mum died, he cries, then shouts at me for not telling him, though he was there with me when she died. I am finding this the worst, to keep having to help him grieve is awful, luckily he seems to remember within a couple of days. I get constant phone calls, usually about what day is it, and why havent I come round sometimes getting morning and night wrong and it is wearing me down. Apart from carers I have no help, and they dont seem to follow dads care plan properly. I looked into being his carer, but am sorry, I cannot afford to give up 3 days work a week and lose so much money to get £55 a week back for caring for dad. I am not being selfish, I simply cannot afford to pay my bills so must work. Dad loses money, or is duped, I cant prove anything, so have taken over his finances for him, paying all bills, being on account so I can access money for him from cash machines as he cannot do the pin number thing, or even simple banking now. Recently I have been diagnosed with psoriasis, never had this in my life, my doctor says it is due to stress, my company recently asked me how long would this go on that I would need to have unpaid time off for dads appointments and when he is in distress, and I lost it and answered when he dies!!! To explain I am a carer myself, and have been for 19 years, and thought better of a caring company not understanding my predicament. Dad is lucky with finances, having been awarded mobility many years before due to ill health, he now gets the higher component and extra pension credit so is spot on with money, but will he spend it???? NO!!!! I have now employed a PA for dad to lighten my load and take him out while I am at work, and a cleaner to save me doing this, as I do have my own home to clean, work full time, and support a step son with scizophrenia, no wonder am stressed lol. I have had some problems with his carers not following the care plan, and it really upsets me, because the time they are given to do these things, is in excess of the time it takes, so there is no excuse. At first they resented me, so I had a meeting with their manager, and explained that I was a carer, I knew that a care plan was a legal document, and that I would not tolerate the care plan not being adhered to without taking it further. Result is I now have direct email to manager, and report things directly to her, as carers seems to change. There are some good ones, and they have learned that I am not an ogre, but I am my dads advocate and will make sure he gets everything he is entitled to, and wont accept **** carers. I did actually tell them at one point I would employ my own team, and that didnt go down well as a big company and social services use them a lot. I have regular meetings with social workers (who change all the time) care managers, dads warden who is only there day times and weekdays but really gets on with dad and helps him a lot. I now am struggling with getting him to pay for things, so have had to tell him everybody is a volunteer and pay them direct from his account, lol the things you do to keep the peace. He pretended to be out when his chiropodist came recently, as he didnt want to pay her, so I am now paying that direct and she is another volunteer!!!! Dad is very mixed up, slurs his words at times and he does not drink, it is the TIAs but I have taken the decision to let nature take its course, as dad has said many times he has had enough, and has mentioned suicide but then says but I wont do it because the insurance wont pay out! Dad loses things, so I have had to remove all important documents and store them at home, as one day they will be needed. Sorry to have gone on, it has helped writing this all down, but main thing is, do other people feel so angry sometimes when the phone keeps ringing, you have to drop things and go round to sort out yet again, his tv is up the creek, because he has the wrong page open on tv mag, or even next weeks mag? I even unplugged my house phone and turned off my mobile the other night because I had been 3 times that evening, and just couldnt cope with any more. IT is not dads fault, he cant remember doing these things, he just seems to retreat a little more each day into confusion, and I feel so bad for him. I have done everything the OTs told me to, he has a memory board, his date is put onto it each day, he is reminded every morning what day it is, but I do not know how much more I will be able to do, as I need to have some life myself. Went on holiday recently and came back psoriasis free, relaxed, only back a couple of hours and went to dads and I felt as bad as before. I love the dad I had, but this dad I have now, feels like my child? Do others feel so guilty like me? Teanosugar
