My mum has been diagnosed with dementia for about 8 months now And she isn’t accepting it at all. She is living on her own, her house is a mess . She smells, she has poo stains all over her clothes her hair is greasy . I work full time. She gets angry with me when I suggest a cleaner none of my relatives seem to want to help me I’m totally on my own . She said if anyone steps into her house she will kill herself. I take her to my house sometimes but it’s so exhausting. I have a sister that doesn’t work but doesn’t want any responsibility really .. I feel it’s all me . I’m anxious when I have time to myself I just want to stay in bed . I just don’t know whet to do. I have no one to talk too about my mum .
I’m lost
- Thread starter Bonita27
- Start date
Welcome to Talking Point, Amanda. I'm sorry your family have left you to cope with your mum's condition alone. You will find many on here who feel like that, and who can support you.
You do sound a bit desperate though, have you tried speaking to Social Services about your mum. I know she won't accept help, but it can't hurt to let them know and get her case on their files. The Dementia Helpline may also be a good place to talk to professionals for advice.
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
You do sound a bit desperate though, have you tried speaking to Social Services about your mum. I know she won't accept help, but it can't hurt to let them know and get her case on their files. The Dementia Helpline may also be a good place to talk to professionals for advice.
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
Welcome from me too @Amandamorgan, just to add to the advice already given, it may be worthwhile booking to see what support services are available in the area. You can do a postcode search wth this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you
Hi @Amandamorgan and welcome from me too.
I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you just now. I just wanted to echo what @nae sporran said about the helpline. It's open until 8pm tonight. It might be a good idea to give them a ring.
I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you just now. I just wanted to echo what @nae sporran said about the helpline. It's open until 8pm tonight. It might be a good idea to give them a ring.
My mum wouldnt allow anyone from SS, carers, cleaner, meals on wheels in either - nothing.
Eventually there was the inevitable crisis - she had a TIA, ended up in hospital and then went into a care home where she got the care she needed. Definitely contact SS (the "buzz" phrase is that she is a "vulnerable adult at risk" and they have a "duty of care") and I would also contact her GP. If you have POA for Health and Welfare it will make it easier to get your mum placed.
Eventually there was the inevitable crisis - she had a TIA, ended up in hospital and then went into a care home where she got the care she needed. Definitely contact SS (the "buzz" phrase is that she is a "vulnerable adult at risk" and they have a "duty of care") and I would also contact her GP. If you have POA for Health and Welfare it will make it easier to get your mum placed.
I am sure stubbornness is a part of this disease!.
Have you discussed power of attorney with her yet? I wonder if it's worth contacting her doctor telling them of your concerns. Perhaps they can get her in for a check up and assessment?
My mum had a visit from a nurse (not sure what about) she said we were managing but I think if they are asking this question, I should be present.
Have you discussed power of attorney with her yet? I wonder if it's worth contacting her doctor telling them of your concerns. Perhaps they can get her in for a check up and assessment?
My mum had a visit from a nurse (not sure what about) she said we were managing but I think if they are asking this question, I should be present.
I've nothing useful to add other than to sympathise. You and your Mum are at the worst part of this journey and there's a long slog ahead for both of you. I remember that terrifying, lonely, desperate, stage so very well.
All I can say is that you will find strength and determination you never knew you had. Dementia brings out the best in those of us who are burdened with a sense of love and responsibility. So many folk, as you've already discovered, are content to run in the opposite direction.
Your Mum's very lucky to have you. One step at a time, one day at a time, you will be able to help her. I beat my mother into submission with insistent, unwelcome help. She hated me for it. She threw me out of the house many times, made be cry with weariness and frustration, made me wonder what the heck I was bothering for. But the more she resisted my help, the more I knew she needed it. I learned to be as stubborn as her, not to worry about what other folk thought... and to duck!
One thing I will suggest though is getting to know her neighbours. Partly so that they know who to call if they're worried, and partly so that if your Mum loses the plot with you and starts raging (as mine did on many occasions) they'll understand what's likely to be going on. I was fortunate that my mother's closest neighbour used to be a nurse and has seen and heard it all a hundred times, sadly. She was not phased by the tantrums and occasional visits from my Mum telling her that I was a complete monster trying to take over her life.
I was trying to take over her life, sadly. But someone had to.
Best of luck, and remember you're never alone on this miserable road. It's just you can't see the rest of us struggling through the maze. However, thanks to Talking Point we can at least shout over the thorny hedges to guide and comfort each other.
All I can say is that you will find strength and determination you never knew you had. Dementia brings out the best in those of us who are burdened with a sense of love and responsibility. So many folk, as you've already discovered, are content to run in the opposite direction.
Your Mum's very lucky to have you. One step at a time, one day at a time, you will be able to help her. I beat my mother into submission with insistent, unwelcome help. She hated me for it. She threw me out of the house many times, made be cry with weariness and frustration, made me wonder what the heck I was bothering for. But the more she resisted my help, the more I knew she needed it. I learned to be as stubborn as her, not to worry about what other folk thought... and to duck!
One thing I will suggest though is getting to know her neighbours. Partly so that they know who to call if they're worried, and partly so that if your Mum loses the plot with you and starts raging (as mine did on many occasions) they'll understand what's likely to be going on. I was fortunate that my mother's closest neighbour used to be a nurse and has seen and heard it all a hundred times, sadly. She was not phased by the tantrums and occasional visits from my Mum telling her that I was a complete monster trying to take over her life.
I was trying to take over her life, sadly. But someone had to.
Best of luck, and remember you're never alone on this miserable road. It's just you can't see the rest of us struggling through the maze. However, thanks to Talking Point we can at least shout over the thorny hedges to guide and comfort each other.
I don't think I have anything practical to add though phoning the helpline and researching help in your area sound like good ways to start.
My mother hasn't got a diagnosis yet though its obvious things are very awry. Like yours she is refusing all help and I'm just waiting for the sort of crisis that @canary mentions.
This forum is a great place for support, help and general letting off steam when things get too much.
My mother hasn't got a diagnosis yet though its obvious things are very awry. Like yours she is refusing all help and I'm just waiting for the sort of crisis that @canary mentions.
This forum is a great place for support, help and general letting off steam when things get too much.
