My brother who is carer for me Mother who has dementia has died suddenly. My Mother was with him when he died she was completely distressed and was banging her head against the wall. She was present during paramedics, doctors and coroners assistance. The morning after she had forgotten all about it and my concern is should I distress her again and tell her of his death or tell lies to her and keep her away from his funeral. Some of the family agree to this, the remainder think I should tell her the truth? I am trying to cope with my own grief but do not want o cause my lovely Mum any more distress.
How to tell Mother about bereavement
- Thread starter biry
- Start date
Hello and so sorry to hear about your brother, there is a common phrase on here called "love lies". If telling a dementia sufferer the truth will cause them pain and distress and they will forget that information only to have to be told again and again, that their loved one has died, making them receive the news as if it were for the first time, then protect them. Love lies are fine when it is to protect a loved one and not made to deceive them for horrible reasons in my opinion.
Your mother has already ben distressed about his death and witnessed all the activity surrounding it.
If she is at peace now then I would let her stay at peace.
You will have to think of something to say when she realises she has to have different carers though.
My own husband died in April and his grandson has decided to tell his own daughter that Grandad has gone on holiday, so when I visited on Friday I had to say the same thing. I do not agree with it but feel it is up to the parents to decide.
This is not the same as your mother but it has some similarities.
Jeannette
If she is at peace now then I would let her stay at peace.
You will have to think of something to say when she realises she has to have different carers though.
My own husband died in April and his grandson has decided to tell his own daughter that Grandad has gone on holiday, so when I visited on Friday I had to say the same thing. I do not agree with it but feel it is up to the parents to decide.
This is not the same as your mother but it has some similarities.
Jeannette
If your mother is so far gone with dementia I would guess she will quickly forget your brother. If she does mention him keep the answers brief and matter of fact rather than distress her with painful reminders.
There are no easy answers here. As far as children are concerned it is always better to be honest about death as you will be found out lying at some future point and that is never a good thing.
There are no easy answers here. As far as children are concerned it is always better to be honest about death as you will be found out lying at some future point and that is never a good thing.
How dreadful you and your mother have had to go through this. I feel I have to agree with others here. Normally in the bereavement process the pain of the loss will pass with time and what stays in your memory is the love and happy memories we had for that person. Not to say they are not missed they most certainly are. Your mum cannot complete this process because of her dementia and she would just have to suffer that pain of being told over and over and that would just be too much to even think about. This is a cruel illness, I'm sorry you have to make these hard decisions on top of your grieving for your brother but at least your mum will have some peace. It is about the quality of life you can provide for her now and being calm and at peace is a really good state for her. I hope you have some support from elsewhere at such a difficult time.
Let me please add that I totally agree with the others.Love lies are the only way forward here and I send you loving thoughts at this very sad and difficulty time. X 
