How to let go and put them in a home

[Blondie81]

Hi everyone,

Im hoping i can get some advice my mum is in the later stages of her Alzheimers and i am her main carer we have carers who come and sit with her during the week to help and my sis in law aswell. My brother thinks its time to start looking at care homes, my mum is blind aswell and really now knows only a couple of us and i know it sounds strange but she says our names but has no understanding of what we are to her she dosnt get that im her daughter all she wants is home to her mummy. I would keep my mum with me at home for aslong as i can but it is getting so hard. But the thought of putting her in somewhere and letting go is so hard i dont know if i have the strength to do it. I have never lived in my house without my mum. I worry in a home do they have the time or even the staff to give her one on one time. She loves people holding her hand sitting beside her as she cant see she dosnt know anyone is there. I worry she will feel lonely.

 

[jaymor]

It is very hard to ' let go' but really you don't have to let go. You can still be a big part of your Mum's care and the decision making that has to happen. I did not let go one little bit until I was very sure my husband was ok and everything was as I wanted it to be. I visited at all times of the day, they never knew when I would arrive. When I was happy that everything was ok I started to set up a routine.

I visited daily, he was my husband, I saw him every day for 39 years before the care home and I still wanted to see him daily. Had it been my parents I would have visited twice a week as I had always done from leaving home.

I called in at all times of the day so I knew what went on throughout the day.

My husband was in a nursing home specialising in just challenging behaviour so I wanted to be sure the challenges were dealt with properly. My husband never needed medication, the trained staff could deal with it.

So getting the right home and the right care is important and it takes time to find it. So while you are still just thinking about it go and look at some homes, get the feel for them and be very open with the staff as to the care your Mum will need.

You will know when the time is right and as long as you are well prepared for the day then you can do no more. It will be time to let the professionals help you look after Mum.

It is another way of life.

Take care.

 

[Shedrech]

hello Blondie81
these are life decisions that we don't take easily and lightly, so I agree with Jaymoor - take your brother's suggestion as a prompt to begin your research; nothing has to be done immediately if you are ticking along - it is wise, though, to be prepared for the future
so visit the local dementia care and nursing homes and chat with the staff - no need to make appointments, any good home should be able to welcome you at any reasonable time (maybe keep away from mealtimes and bedtimes for initial visits, then go at those times for a second visit to see how homes you are considering deal with those tasks) - I found the more homes I visited, the better idea I got of what wasn't important to me for my dad, and what tricky questions to ask - and I learnt to listen carefully to how the staff spoke to me and the residents - the staff are key; if you feel you would be comfortable with them supporting your mum, you will be more confident in making this move for her
I'll be honest, the staff will not have time to sit with your mum all day but they will be around and your mum will have the feeling that she is 'at home' with others around her - the staff in my dad's home are busy but always take the time to notice how the residents are and I've been humbled to witness the kindness they show to the people in their care; they do stop and hold someone's hand, give a cuddle, share a giggle and I know how well they know each resident and their individual needs and foibles
Jaymor's right about your caring too - you will continue to be your mum's loving daughter (whether she recognises that or not), visiting her whenever is right for you; you just will have a team around you both to help with the everyday tasks
take some time and find homes you feel are suitable, put your mum's name down on waiting lists and see what happens
best wishes