How often to visit the home?

[dannyem]

Mom is now in a lovely care home after having absolutely no help
From SS I bypassed them and found her a place as she is a danger being left in her own home.

It all happened very quickly and now two weeks later her house is emptied and up for sale and the home say she is settling well. Of course now I am having massive guilt about it all even though I know it's the right decision and worry how often I visit.

Her short term memory is almost nil and I have a feeling she forgets we have visited. So far I have been three times in the 16 days. The home hinted by way of telling me about another resident that going too often is unsettling but I feel guilty as I went to moms almost every other day as there was always some crisis to deal with including cleaning the bathroom and so on as she cannot use the loo now without help as she can't wipe herself properly and makes a terrible mess.

So all this leads to me ask what do others do? Thanks for reading this far.

 

[Saffie]

Everyone is in a different situation but I do wonder why you were told that it was unsettling for someone to visit too often though perhaps they meant just in the early days when I know some homes think it helps a new resident to settle.

However, I wasn't told that when my husband went into a nursing home and I do wonder how I would feel suddenly taken to a strange place and not seeing a familiar face for days. It certainly wouldn't have helped my husband and I visited daily from the time he entered the NH. He needed the reassurance that I was still there for him and I was able to talk with the nurses and carers about his health and needs etc. - necessary as he went to the home directly after spending eight months in hospitals and discharge notes were pretty sparse.
We could also talk about his likes and dislikes and his interests - all of which helped him of course - as well as his past life, as he was no longer able to communicate clearly and over the three years he was there we built up a good relationship.
After all, they became his new family and so in a way, a part of mine too.
There again, maybe it is different with a spouse and not everyone has the time to visit so frequently anyway.
Best wishes whatever you decide and I hope your mother settles well.

 

[Lorna44]

I go and see my mum about 3 times a week and stay an hour to hour and a half. I have siblings and a wonderful neice who visit often too. Mum, however, tells everyone that she hasn't had visitors for months!! I feel better for seeing her, although the visits can be difficult.

P.S. Well done for clearing house so quickly, can you come and do my Mum's house!

 

[Kevinl]

I go every day, usually for 60-90 minutes at evening meal time, one guy that visits his wife there spends the whole afternoon and evening there and has his evening meal there with his wife.
It is a home and not an institution (if run properly) and you can come and go as you please and really want to become part of the place and not an outsider.
My wife's always happy to see me, although not too sure who I am, but when it's time for me to go she happily accepts I have to leave and drops back nito the little world of her own she normally lives in.
Go as often as you want, as often as you can and as often as you're comfortable with.
If your visits upset her then maybe go less, if they go as well as mine do then go more often and talk to the other visitors, they can tell you a lot more than the staff sometimes about how your loved one is when you're not there.
K

 

[jaymor]

I started going every day and just took days off as and when it was necessary for me to be somewhere else. I did not want my husband to feel he had been deserted, being away from his home was bad enough. Then it became every other day for a while and for the last two years every day. I saw him every day when we lived together, seemed very natural to see him every day when we did not life together. My husband had lost me as his wife two years before he went into nursing care, to him I was the nice lady ( his words) that looked after him while he waited for his wife.

I found it made the nursing home easier for me to accept, I became part of the home, the carers knew me, the other residents knew me and it was acceptable and noticeable that I was always around. The staff would joke about ordering a uniform for me. I did have an apron for when I washed up. It was also easier to talk to management, no need to say who I was, who my husband was, they knew.

Visiting has to be what you are comfortable with but also be mindful of the person in care. They may forget you have been but emotions are not so easily forgotten. So a good visit leaves a good feeling even though they may have forgotten why they feel good.

 

[cragmaid]

I used to see my late Mum three times a day ( or more!) when she was at home. This was one of the reasons why she needed to go into residential care. She could not live alone any longer.
For her first week or so I visited nearly every day...there was always something else she needed, something which needed to be sorted, but I was lucky enough to live very close to the CH and could just pop in for a few minutes at a time. Then OH and I managed a few days away, which was something we had not done for years. After that we settled into every other day or so....but never regular time slots, just when I could fit it in. I was concerned that if I was delayed, she would get upset.....and she did! So it was always " Bye Mum....see you soon." She knew I'd be back and at that stage she could still telephone me.

Visits varied in frequency until her last few weeks when I sat with her two or three times every day.

Visit as often as you like, provided your visits are not causing her to be upset, either while you are there or when you leave. I would try to make your leave when a meal time is called...it acts as a distraction.

 

[Amy in the US]

When my mother (Alzheimer's and no short term memory) went into the care home I didn't visit her at all, apart from the day we moved her in, for 6 or 8 weeks. I was the person she blamed for the move and got a lot of abuse for it. The lovely staff there agreed this was a reasonable thing to do but I would have done it anyway, no matter what they said! My husband, whom my mother is always happy to see, did visit her about once a week during this period.

Before the diagnosis and care home (but not before the dementia!) she lived 100 miles away. As she declined and had increasing health problems I went from seeing her infrequently, to once a month, then twice a month, then almost weekly. Mostly this was to take her to doctor's appointments, do the shopping, et cetera.

Now I see my mother approximately every other weekend, anywhere from 15 minutes to a couple of hours. She lives about a 15-20 minute drive from me now. My husband will often go and see her without me.

If you have found a place for your mother to live without the help of SS, moved your mother, cleared her home, and put it up for sale in two weeks, you have been working very hard. Remember that tasks like clearing the home, selling it, paying bills, sorting out clothes for the care home, making sure she has what she needs at the care home, talking to the staff on the phone, the paperwork, all those things, are all part of being a carer. It's not a competition to see how many visiting hours per day/week/month you can log, nor is there a quota of visits you must meet.

I would guess that your mother was definitely no longer safe, and likely not content, in her own home, and you have made sure that she is now safe and well cared for, so well done. I do understand feeling guilty and think all of us here on TP know about that. (The way I often feel is that no matter what I do, it's wrong/not good enough/makes me feel bad.)

If you have a search here on TP you'll see that the question of visits, and how often and how long to visit, comes up often, so I think it's likely something many carers struggle with. I also think it's a hard adjustment for the carers, not just the person with dementia, to make from caring at home to caring in a care home. I suspect you've been so busy with finding a care home, and moving, and clearing the house, that maybe you haven't had much time to process things.

Basically I would advise you to do whatever it is you need to do, to be able to sleep at night.

Some practical things:

-it is good to have an exit strategy or to time your visits so you can leave when a meal or activity starts, as this makes it easier for both of you

-my mother's memory is so bad that if I say, "I'll see you Tuesday" or "we will be back Saturday," she only makes herself upset trying to remember when we are coming. So I always say "see you soon" instead. It's reassuring but she doesn't have to remember when!

-at first my mother wanted notice of when we were coming, especially if we were taking her out. This is no longer true but was important to her at the beginning.

-when I wasn't visiting, I often phoned the care home for an update. I found it informative and reassuring and it helped me to establish relationships with the staff, even though I wasn't visiting in person.

-my mother was not able to accurately report how, or what, she was doing. According to her, she was starved, ignored, never given her meds, and sat alone in her room all day. Actually, she went to the dining room for three meals a day, gained back the weight she'd lost, took her medication when given to her, went to every activity on offer, and made friends.

So do what works for you, and give yourself time to recover and adjust to the new routine.

 

[Gwendy1]

As others have said, it's an individual thing. I used to see dad daily when he was at home (with carers) then I saw him several times a week when he moved into care home for about 10 months. ( and enjoyed several holidays abroad!) When he became frailer, physically, from the beginning of this year, I started seeing him daily again. I'm guided by my own 'feelings and instincts' really. X


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[fizzie]

It is individual but 3 times in 16 days isn't too much, many people I know visit each day and are welcomed. I would be wary of any care home that discouraged family and visitors

 

[Amy in the US]

Fizzie's point is well taken; it doesn't sound like you've visited too frequently by anyone's standards. I wonder if the care home was really telling you not to visit "so often" or if there could have been a misunderstanding? Or perhaps you seemed tired and they were trying to reassure you that you shouldn't feel compelled to visit? Perhaps a quick phone conversation with staff might set your mind at ease?

 

[Georgina63]

Hi Dannyem
If your mum is now settled, I would say that you could/should visit as you see fit. It's so hard to determine though isn't it? Some great advice given on TP. My Mum and Dad, both with AD moved into a care home a month ago. The advice I was given, was to not visit for a few days to allow them to settle in, which I did, though it felt like a betrayal. However, when I visited after 5 days, they were relatively settled, and since then I have been more or less every other day and stay between half an hour to an hour and a half. Mum is more advanced then Dad and seems accepting of the situation. Dad still asks about home but I try to deflect this, realising I am the obvious link to home. It's hard not to feel guilty whatever you do. I hope you can find a happy medium. Shall we just remind ourselves, hard as it is, that we are doing the best for our parents?! All the best. Gx

 

[Linbrusco]

My Mum has been in care coming up 8 weeks.
We visited right from day one, and with us three children working different days & hours plus taking dad to visit , Mum is never short of visitors..... not that she remembers any of us being there one day to the next, and will say she hasn't seen you in ages.
It's actually dad that unsettles mum more, and it depends on the day if she realises it's her husband or some other strange man, that she knows but not too sure of. When she sees dad as her husband, she starts talking about going home, doing the groceries, who is cleaning the house. But then her home is now her old family home, not the house she lived in, for the past 8 years.
Dad would visit every day, but as he has had no acceptance/understanding of Mums Alzheimers ever, he does actually make Mum worse by what he says, and as far as understanding some of the other residents and their actions and little quirks, he thinks they are rude or being cheeky.

For this fact we only take dad up 2 times a week, and each of us like a day visiting mum on our own.
Mum has only ever had max 2 days with no one visiting.
I like to keep my visits to an hour or so, as most times Mum is just wanting to talk to her friends that she's made and join in the activities.

 

[Grable]

When Mum went into a home in mid-July, we were told not to visit for a few days to give her time to settle. As it turned out, I had to go for the next couple of days because there was a problem with her tablets - apparently the home couldn't give her her drugs from the blister packs, whereas I could. I was pleased I could pop in a couple of times a day to do that, but I literally stayed just 10 minutes each time.

Now, my brother goes to visit twice a week and stays for 15 - 30 mins. I live so far away that I can only get up there once a month. I stay in Mum's house, in the village where the home is. At first I would visit three times a day and stay for about an hour, but that tired Mum out too much. Now visit twice a day when I'm up there.

Mum doesn't remember who has visited - but that doesn't matter, because she obviously enjoys the time when they are visiting.

The best time we had was a couple of weeks ago, when I was at the home and Mum and the other ladies decided to watch 'Strictly Come Dancing'. I sat with them, just watching the TV - just like we did at home - and it was lovely! Mum looked really content, which pleased me!