How do ideal with my abusive father.

[GrannyRobyn]

My 83 year old mum is severely disabled and completely immobile. She lives with my dad, who is 86 and thankfully in reasonably good health for his age. I do as much as I can to support my parents, I help with mum’s personal care, order & collect medication, shopping, clean the house, cook several meals a week etc, just to ease the pressure on dad. I live within a couple of miles from their home so visit most days.
Prior to my mum becoming physically immobile she waited on my dad hand & foot, he has always seen cooking and housework as ‘women’s work’. Mum’s physical disability has completely changed his life but I try to support him as much as possible but lately he has seen my help as interference and has told me so. He lost his temper with me last week after a minor disagreement over the way he handles mum namely refusing to use the hoist to transfer her from her chair to the toilet. He was extremely verbally abusive towards me and went to hit me but pulled back at the last minute. He also said he was going to find somewhere else to live and mum would have to go in a nursing home. I told him that I would look after mum and she wouldn’t be going in any nursing home. It was a very unpleasant experience, I can barely look at him now but obviously I won’t abandon my mum. To put things into perspective my dad has always been very controlling and was emotionally abusive towards mum and my siblings in the past so I can’t blame his behaviour on Dementia. He never thinks he’s in the wrong and has never apologised for anything on his life. If it wasn’t for my mum I would have walked out of his house and not returned.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @GrannyRobyn , it's important to deal with this development and also protect yourself. I think that a chat with the GP is a good start.

There's a Factsheet about this issue and in the hope that you can get some advice from it here's a link to it https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...ctsheet_dementia_and_aggressive_behaviour.pdf

I have often seen it advised to have a safe exit available and keep a phone to hand in case help needs to be summoned.

This may seem like a step too far. However, I have read that it can be useful to report any physical assault to the police as they will record that and this can be useful as a paper trail if you ever seek assistance from Social Services in the future.

If you want to talk it through with anyone the experts on the help line can be good, details as follows

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

tel:0333 150 3456



or use this link


https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementiaconnect

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @GrannyRobyn and welcome to Dementia Talking point. You'll get lots of support and advice here, and it is a very friendly place.
I was going to suggest you give the support line a call, but I see that @karaokePete has already suggested that. They are open till 4.00pm today and I think it might be a good idea to talk things through with them.

 

[canary]

Im assuming that your dad has dementia, although you didnt say this. Unfortunately, people with dementia freuently are unable to understand why an ill or disabled spouse is no longer doing things. They often think the spouse is being lazy and can get very frustrated when they dont respond as they think they should.

If your dad has already raised a fist to you, this is a very big warning flag as things will probably escalate as his dementia advances. I would be very concerned about your mum. I do think that Social Services safeguarding and their GP aught to know about this.

His idea of living somewhere else (maybe sheltered accommodation) might, in fact, be the way forward.

 

[GrannyRobyn]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied to my post. I really appreciate your advice and support.

I’m not sure what my dad’s GP could do to help, although we have the same GP I doubt she would be able to discuss his case with me due to confidentiality issues. If dad thought I’d been to his GP he would go crazy.

I’ve thought about self protection and will make sure I have my phone to hand in future.
If dad had actually hit me on the day in question I would have reported the matter to the police immediately. I think what tipped him over the edge that day was me calling him out on the way he treats my mum, I don’t think he has ever had a woman stand up to him in his life. We appear to be in a new phase no though, he’s actually behaving as if nothing has happened, appearing very attentive to my mum whilst I’m there but she tells me his mask slips when I go home.

I know very little about dementia I’m afraid so I’m not sure if this is my dad’s problem. He has always been aggressive and controlling so it’s difficult to say whether he has early onset dementia. Dad drives a car, manages his finances perfectly well and is a good neighbour to those who live close by. If they only knew what he was like indoors, they would be mortified he’d raised his hand to me.

Although dad has threatened to leave my mum many times since she became disabled but I know he would never leave (they own their own home) I wish he would because at least I could pay for carer’s to come in to help me give mum the care she deserves.
Thanks again for your advice & support.

 

[jennifer1967]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied to my post. I really appreciate your advice and support.

I’m not sure what my dad’s GP could do to help, although we have the same GP I doubt she would be able to discuss his case with me due to confidentiality issues. If dad thought I’d been to his GP he would go crazy.

I’ve thought about self protection and will make sure I have my phone to hand in future.
If dad had actually hit me on the day in question I would have reported the matter to the police immediately. I think what tipped him over the edge that day was me calling him out on the way he treats my mum, I don’t think he has ever had a woman stand up to him in his life. We appear to be in a new phase no though, he’s actually behaving as if nothing has happened, appearing very attentive to my mum whilst I’m there but she tells me his mask slips when I go home.

I know very little about dementia I’m afraid so I’m not sure if this is my dad’s problem. He has always been aggressive and controlling so it’s difficult to say whether he has early onset dementia. Dad drives a car, manages his finances perfectly well and is a good neighbour to those who live close by. If they only knew what he was like indoors, they would be mortified he’d raised his hand to me.

Although dad has threatened to leave my mum many times since she became disabled but I know he would never leave (they own their own home) I wish he would because at least I could pay for carer’s to come in to help me give mum the care she deserves.
Thanks again for your advice & support.

ive had problems with my husband with aggression and shouting and being very controlling. i have spoken to our gp and she is referring him to older persons mental health. because hes got vascular, theres no specific tablets to slow or calm it down. just be careful and you may need to phone ss to have a safeguarding. someone did it for me and im slowly getting help. my husband doesnt know either.

 

[GrannyRobyn]

ive had problems with my husband with aggression and shouting and being very controlling. i have spoken to our gp and she is referring him to older persons mental health. because hes got vascular, theres no specific tablets to slow or calm it down. just be careful and you may need to phone ss to have a safeguarding. someone did it for me and im slowly getting help. my husband doesnt know either.

So sorry to hear that you have had problems too Jenifer. I’m very grateful for your advice and the advice from other posters. I’ll tread very carefully and see how things pan out. My mum is my primary concern and if I need to I will contact social services. Thanks again

 

[silkiest]

Hi @GrannyRobyn, From what you have said about your dad I expect he will not give you Power of attorney but I would seriously consider setting it up for your mum for both health and finance if your mum agrees. This would allow you to talk directly to medical and care staff on her behalf and help to protect her financial interests as it sounds like she cannot do this for herself.
You can find all the information online at https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/make-lasting-power
Please think about yourself in all this, you sound to be doing a lot - could you get them to have any outside help to give you a break?

 

[GrannyRobyn]

Hi @GrannyRobyn, From what you have said about your dad I expect he will not give you Power of attorney but I would seriously consider setting it up for your mum for both health and finance if your mum agrees. This would allow you to talk directly to medical and care staff on her behalf and help to protect her financial interests as it sounds like she cannot do this for herself.
You can find all the information online at https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/make-lasting-power
Please think about yourself in all this, you sound to be doing a lot - could you get them to have any outside help to give you a break?

Hi Silkiest,
Thank you for your reply. My parents prepared their Enduring Power of Attorney Documents (Health & Welfare/Property & Finance) quite a few years ago. They become effective in the event of capacity being lost. Dad has complete control of their finances, this has been the case throughout their marriage.
My parents do not feel they need any outside help whatsoever and think they are managing fine. If I was to withdraw all support (I could never do this to my mum) dad would just soldier on thinking he was managing okay.
Thank you for your support.

 

[canary]

Im afraid that all the while you are doing things for your parents, your dad will not see the need for outside care support - in his eyes, everything is just peachy - and while your parents refuse support and you are plugging the gaps, Social Services will just let you get on with it.

Please keep a very careful watch on what is happening. I have a nasty feeling that this will go to a crisis
xxx

 

[GrannyRobyn]

Im afraid that all the while you are doing things for your parents, your dad will not see the need for outside care support - in his eyes, everything is just peachy - and while your parents refuse support and you are plugging the gaps, Social Services will just let you get on with it.

Please keep a very careful watch on what is happening. I have a nasty feeling that this will go to a crisis
xxx

You are quite right Canary, I can now see that I have created problems for myself. I have always known that hell would freeze over before my dad would allow a cleaner or carer into the house so I got stuck into the cleaning/other errands and preparing the evening meals 3 times a week thinking I was easing the pressure on dad. When pressure builds up on dad he gets very irritated and takes it out on mum. I no longer prepare the evening meals and dad has got on with it and made tea himself. I know I should never have started that now. I no longer order the medication for them, another chore dad has got on with himself. Mum & dad seem to be in some sort of ‘honeymoon ‘ period at the moment. I hope this continues but I know it won’t, I will of course monitor the situation very closely.

 

[Linbrusco]

@GrannyRobyn you could have almost been describing my Mum & Dads relationship.
Although Mum was the one with Alzheimers & Dad at the time had Mild Cognitive impairment.
My parents lived behind me, and as mum got worse and could no longer cook or handle medication or finances I took over. It was better for me to do so than cause more arguments and stress between my parents.
Dad would not have any carers or cleaners. He would berate Mum, make fun of her and all the things she could no longer do, but on the other hand still thought Mum was much more capable than what she was. When things were at its worst he would then tell me Mum would have to go in a home.
If it werent for Dad, I could have gone on caring for Mum a bit longer, but in the end when Mum was no longer recognising Dad, and many other safety alarm bells ringing, Mum did go into care.
We saw a complete change for the better in Mum, and we beleive that Dad added to Mums anxiety and confusion.
After 5 yrs in care my Mum passed away 6 weeks ago, with my Dad going into the same care home as Mum just 6 mnths ago, now with mixed dementia.
Dad is on new medication, and combined with regular meals and medical attention , I swear also a personality transplant for the better along with it.

 

[GrannyRobyn]

@GrannyRobyn you could have almost been describing my Mum & Dads relationship.
Although Mum was the one with Alzheimers & Dad at the time had Mild Cognitive impairment.
My parents lived behind me, and as mum got worse and could no longer cook or handle medication or finances I took over. It was better for me to do so than cause more arguments and stress between my parents.
Dad would not have any carers or cleaners. He would berate Mum, make fun of her and all the things she could no longer do, but on the other hand still thought Mum was much more capable than what she was. When things were at its worst he would then tell me Mum would have to go in a home.
If it werent for Dad, I could have gone on caring for Mum a bit longer, but in the end when Mum was no longer recognising Dad, and many other safety alarm bells ringing, Mum did go into care.
We saw a complete change for the better in Mum, and we beleive that Dad added to Mums anxiety and confusion.
After 5 yrs in care my Mum passed away 6 weeks ago, with my Dad going into the same care home as Mum just 6 mnths ago, now with mixed dementia.
Dad is on new medication, and combined with regular meals and medical attention , I swear also a personality transplant for the better along with it.

Linbrusco, thank you for your reply to my post. So sorry to hear of your mum’s passing. It must bring you great comfort knowing that she had a better quality of life towards the end of her life. You clearly did a great deal for your parents, they were blessed with a good daughter. How awful that your dad was so unkind towards your mum. It’s truly heartbreaking to see one’s father behaving this way towards a woman they are supposed to love and cherish.
I decided to unburden myself to my brother last week and he was horrified when I told him about dad’s latest behaviour. He visits our parents once a week for an hour or so when dad is on his best behaviour so was extremely shocked to hear I’d be told I was ‘interfering’ in his life. He knows what I do for them on a daily basis and cannot fathom why dad has turned on me. I told my brother that I was stepping back with the amount support I provide to dad. I can’t bring myself to withdraw completely as my mum would suffer. I think deep down he knows that only for my mum I wouldn’t be going to the house at all. I would have walked out that day he threatened to hit me and never returned. Dad seems to have had a personality transplant lately too. He is fussing around mum much more than he did prior to his abusive outburst, mum on the other hand seems quite sad and I’m sure she’s thinking I should put all this behind me, not this time I’m afraid. She can because she has had over 60 years of emotional abuse. I’m thankful that I married such a kind, gentle man who has none of my dad’s traits.
Its good to hear that your dad has changed now he is in the care home and some peace has been restored to your life.