Hi there. My mum has dementia - a question about keeping in touch with her

[KevinT23]

Hi there

My mum was diagnosed with dementia about a year and a half ago, and because I've been close to mum, it kind of breaks my heart. The family felt overall that it was best to move mum to be closer to another branch of the family to receive care from them (a long way from where mum originally lived - so she now lives in Scotland, also a long way from me). I'm always trying to work on ways to deal with it.

I find that it helps me, and seems to help her, to be in regular contact - for example, since visiting her last week for a week, I've been phoning/speaking to her everyday since then. Mum's sleep seems to have been very disrupted and she seems to have had low mood since I left.

Can I ask - do many other members contact their close relatives at similar regularity by phone/video call?
I don't want to create issues for the carers by speaking so regularly, or new dependencies on me.
I do feel that speaking to her regularly at the moment helps mum however, and I also feel that it helps me - by having a nice conversation which supports and cheers mum up, but also by reminding me of the reality of the situation.

Is it common and healthy for other members to speak to their relatives with dementia every day by phone/video call (including if they are in a care home)?

thanks
Kevin

 

[victoriab70]

Hi there

My mum was diagnosed with dementia about a year and a half ago, and because I've been close to mum, it kind of breaks my heart. The family felt overall that it was best to move mum to be closer to another branch of the family to receive care from them (a long way from where mum originally lived - so she now lives in Scotland, also a long way from me). I'm always trying to work on ways to deal with it.

I find that it helps me, and seems to help her, to be in regular contact - for example, since visiting her last week for a week, I've been phoning/speaking to her everyday since then. Mum's sleep seems to have been very disrupted and she seems to have had low mood since I left.

Can I ask - do many other members contact their close relatives at similar regularity by phone/video call?
I don't want to create issues for the carers by speaking so regularly, or new dependencies on me.
I do feel that speaking to her regularly at the moment helps mum however, and I also feel that it helps me - by having a nice conversation which supports and cheers mum up, but also by reminding me of the reality of the situation.

Is it common and healthy for other members to speak to their relatives with dementia every day by phone/video call (including if they are in a care home)?

thanks
Kevin

Hi, I don’t but my older sister calls without fail everyday and mum knows exactly who it is on the phone and she’s at the stage where she doesn’t know the man caring for her is her husband of nearly 55 years or that she’s lived where they are for nearly 50 years.
If the calls are working for you both, then then keep them going. Do talk to those caring for her though, to make sure they are a help and not a hindrance. My mum finds any change difficult to manage, so your mum’s sleep may just be a sign that she realises you have gone home after spending time with her and she misses you.
Enjoy each visit to see her and your daily calls with he. Take care V

 

[sdmhred]

I spend every evening with mum at the care home. Why both of us watch TV on our own when we could be together was my logic! We speak to my sister on video call most days. I think as Victoria above says as long as neither of you are distressed or upset after the calls there’s no problem.

just be prepared yourself for the time when her language skills may decline. We haven’t had a conversation for years and when my sister calls mum is only really able to say hello and goodbye. That’s where the distance may prove difficult- but everyone is different so that may not be a problem for your mum.

enjoy her!

 

[SherwoodSue]

While you can do it I would. I FT mum each morning and after meal times. My brother used to ring mum while he walked his dog (trapped time, easy to give) He would stop to greet other walkers and tell off the dog. Mum got very confused. My pleading that he set aside time to connect properly fell on deaf ears
Mum can takes calls without the help of others. The only problem I have had is that she won’t say if we are alone or if there is a visitor. One poor neighbor who popped in left unanswered while I rattled on to mum for 30 mins. !
Mum, you should have said it’s such bad manners!
Only X, she doesn’t matter 🫢
When I go abroad for my holiday I don’t phone mum several times a day. She gets weird then.
I have a rota for other callers but it doesn’t count in mums eyes.

 

[KevinT23]

Hi, I don’t but my older sister calls without fail everyday and mum knows exactly who it is on the phone and she’s at the stage where she doesn’t know the man caring for her is her husband of nearly 55 years or that she’s lived where they are for nearly 50 years.
If the calls are working for you both, then then keep them going. Do talk to those caring for her though, to make sure they are a help and not a hindrance. My mum finds any change difficult to manage, so your mum’s sleep may just be a sign that she realises you have gone home after spending time with her and she misses you.
Enjoy each visit to see her and your daily calls with he. Take care V

Thank you Victoria

 

[KevinT23]

I spend every evening with mum at the care home. Why both of us watch TV on our own when we could be together was my logic! We speak to my sister on video call most days. I think as Victoria above says as long as neither of you are distressed or upset after the calls there’s no problem.

just be prepared yourself for the time when her language skills may decline. We haven’t had a conversation for years and when my sister calls mum is only really able to say hello and goodbye. That’s where the distance may prove difficult- but everyone is different so that may not be a problem for your mum.

enjoy her!

Thank you x

 

[KevinT23]

While you can do it I would. I FT mum each morning and after meal times. My brother used to ring mum while he walked his dog (trapped time, easy to give) He would stop to greet other walkers and tell off the dog. Mum got very confused. My pleading that he set aside time to connect properly fell on deaf ears
Mum can takes calls without the help of others. The only problem I have had is that she won’t say if we are alone or if there is a visitor. One poor neighbor who popped in left unanswered while I rattled on to mum for 30 mins. !
Mum, you should have said it’s such bad manners!
Only X, she doesn’t matter 🫢
When I go abroad for my holiday I don’t phone mum several times a day. She gets weird then.
I have a rota for other callers but it doesn’t count in mums eyes.

Thank you Sue. You're also obviously close to your mum too. Sounds like you are doing a lot for your mum and that she values it x