HenryG

[HenryG]

It`s times like these that I feel the English language is so inadequate, I feel so inadequate. My wife of 56 years has had diagnoses of Alzheimers by NHS consultants, and Vascular by a consultant at a Priory hospital, which of them is right?,who do I believe?, what is the difference in treatment?. She is now in permanent residence in a care home. In the late seventies it`s so unatural to be a bachelor again. I keep being urged to go on holiday, they don`t understand the feelings of guilt that are always with you closer than your own shadow.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Henry and welcome to Talking Point.
I am sorry to hear about your wife and there are many of us here who understand the feelings when your wife/husband has to go into care. Please let us know more about her.

It is important to make some life for yourself although it can be hard when juggling it with visits to someone you care about.

Keep in touch. Best wishes

 

[Skye]

Welcome to TP, Henry.

I do understand how you feel. My late husband was in a care home for the last three years of his life, and I know I felt guilty if I missed a day visiting him. And that was on top of the guilt that I was no longer able to care for him at home. I'm afraid it goes with the territory.

On the other hand, you have to care for yourself as well, Henry. You need to get out and about, meet people, and try to make a life for yourself. Not easy I know.

You could try U3A for a start. It was a life-saver for me, and is still a large part of my social life. And if you feel you could cope with a holiday, then go for it, either with family or friends, or with a company that caters for people travelling on their own.

As for your question re diagnosis, yes, there is a difference in treatment, as Alzheimer medication is not normally prescribed for people with vascular dementia. Having said that, my husband had a form of VD, was initially wrongly diagnosed as AD and prescribed the medication, and did very well on it.

These confusing diagnoses are I'm afraid quite common, even a scan may not be sufficient for an accurate diagnosis. The society has some excellent factsheets, which you can access from 'Alzheimer's Society resources' at the top of the page.

Please stay with us, you'll find the forum very supportive.

 

[Pross]

Hello Henry. In the last analysis I'm not really sure what difference the label is actually going to make. Dementia is a ****** whatever the type. My husband has vascular dementia, he's still at home and I'm struggling to cope. Struggling all the more as he's not the person I knew. Now there's nobody to chat to, nobody to share a joke with, no hugs, no shared memories.

Like Skye, I belong to the U3A and have supportive friends. But it's not the same.

Try not to get bogged down by guilt. Your wife's dementia is not your fault. You are a victim of it too but you are allowed a life of your own. Good luck.

Pross.

 

[Margaret938]

Hello HenryG
Welcome to TP, I know the meaning of guilt, I have felt it ever since my husband moved into the CH in April. I visit him everyday and like Skye I would feel even more guilty if I was not able to visit him every day. These visits are what I live for, I can't see myself joining any clubs etc., We were always together, did everything together and never made an effort to have any other company. We sound boring don't we, but we were very happy in each others company. This makes is so difficult to come to terms with this illness and to shake off the guilt of not being able to take care of my husband at home. The CH is my best and only option and I aim to make the most of my visits every day that I can. If you feel that joining in will help you, then you should follow your instincts, just do what you feel makes you happy. If you are happy your visits will be more pleasant.
Take care,
Love Margaret x

 

[HenryG]

My thanks to you all.

Todays visit has been very stressful, I felt guilty about it but I could only last for three hours, then I had to leave in spite of the agitation she was obviously feeling. Usually I stay until she has her meal in front of her, she really gets stuck in enjoying every morsel, I find the sound of her enjoying her food really does make me feel that I have taken the right course letting her go into the CH. She does not like to eat in the dining room with the other residents, she is given her meal in the lounge,practically alone. It is when she is eating that I slip away without any recriminations,even responding when I kiss her goodnight. But today was a very low point, displaying annoyance, even anger, if she did not get her own way, there is no way I can keep up with her normally,but when she is hyper and does not recognise me it is impossible when she goes charging about, the funny thing is she keeps coming back to me after a short while.So today I came on here browseing to get some relief and I stumbled across this section, I have not been able to thank you all before because I did not know how to get here my state of mind usually only allows me to stumble along plus my leaking eyes make it hard to see the keyboard. once again a very big thankyou.

 

[Noorza]

Henry, if she is agitated then that is a very good time to leave and not stay, I have always been the one to look after mum but when my presence distresses her to the point she may hit me, swear at me or otherwise abuse me it is time for me to get out for BOTH of our sakes.

We are not helping if they are agitated and that's not our fault, it's the dementia's. Though as much as I know it I have to come on her as my refuge to talk to others who understand and can reassure me, that's it's not me, I am the one taking the flack as we are the ones closest to them.

Be kind to yourself, don't judge yourself, love her enough to sometimes walk away just like you did today. Nothing wrong with that.