Hello everyone
I have been away from this helpful site for a while because things had ground to halt with my mother.
Now I am asking for some further advice please.
Just to recap my mother is 90 and lives on her own next door to me. My brother and I have an LPA in place, although mum will not allow us to use it to help her.
Mum is showing all of the signs of early dementia -forgetful, vague, lack of concentration....
I have been in contact with mum's GP (without mum's knowledge) over the past year and we got as far as a referral to the local memory clinic but I had to tell the doctor to cancel the referral because it was ruining the relationship with my mum. She had worked out (I don't know how) that I had been in contact with her doctor and was being very aggressive with me and saying extremely hurtful things.
During this time mum was still driving and I contacted the DVLA because I was worried about her and her licence has been cancelled. Mum worked out that I had contacted the DVLA (I don't know how) although I consistently denied it and she grew very stroppy with me. She even contacted my brother (who lives 50 miles away) and got him on her side. At Christmas she embarrassed me dreadfully in front of my grown up children by accusing me of telling the DVLA about her.
Mum is extremely suspicious and can be very hostile and aggressive. However, she can be very sweet and lovely if she is left alone to do 'her own thing' or has her own way.
Mum's attitude towards me is ruining any feelings that I have towards her. We are not as close as we used to be and provided that I am at her beck and call everything is okay.
My brother visits every few months and deals with the admin work but he is not much use at the emotional side of things or the day to day stuff that I have to do for mum. I have tried to talk to my brother about how mum is becoming a problem but he just tells me to say no to mum if she asks for something to be done. She has told both of us, in no uncertain terms, that she wants to be left alone and that she can manage okay. However, if anything goes wrong or she needs something she will always ask me. Often, I don't mind but she really, really cannot cope but I do get fed up sometimes because she does take me for granted.
I take her shopping every week and she insists on pushing the trolley but she leaves it in the middle of the main gangway in people's way. She does not know where she is going and I have to guide her, it would be so much easier if she left me to do it but no, she want her own way and deteminedly pushes the trolley! She keeps forgetting her pin number of her card at the till and I have to remind her every time. I have to help her get cash out of the machine because she cannot do it, I have to help her write cheques because she can't remember the date,day or year. She walks out in front of cars without even looking and I have to keep an eye on her all of the time. If I didn't do these things mum would have no money or food. I give her lifts to her friends but get's annoyed with me if I dare speak to her friends who call me to confirm that I have the right times/dates because mum forgets. She accuses me of 'going behind her back''. I can't call my brother to help me with the finances whilst I am with mum because she doesn't like me discussing her with him. We just correspond by email and don't tell her.
In desparation, I asked my brother (who handles mum's affairs - as much as she will let him) if he would organise a gardener/cleaner (I thought this would provide her with some company too). Apparently, she refused the cleaner and would not allow my brother access to her accounts with a cheque book so that we can pay for a gardener and her daily papers. My brother has organised a gardener to which she agreed to but this meant that I had to take mum to a cash machine to use her card (because she can't do it now) to get some cash out so that she can pay the gardener when he turns up. He did turn up as planned but mum forgot and went to town (how she does this amazes me because she is a danger outside her home) and the gardener turned up, did a bit of work and went.
My brother has tried to get mum to 'let go' but she will not and he supports her wish for independence, even though he agrees that she is vulnerable. He says that there is nothing we can do until a crisis occurs. It is easy to say when it is not on your doorstep.
I don't know whether it's a personality clash but she just gets on my nerves so much because she will not admit she has a problem. I am getting more and more angry and resentful because everything seems to fall on my shoulders and I find it hard to say no to a frail 90 year old woman. She can be very rude and hurtful.
Mum has done some strange things. She has glaucoma and has to take drops for it. I have the job of making sure that she gets the drops from the chemist delivered and I have taken her to hospital to see the consultant a couple of times. The last time we went in February mum had cancelled the appointment due illness but had forgot to tell me. All this make me even more angry and upset with her.
Mum's GP has been in contact with her telling her that she has missed 3 GP appointments and is running the risk of being taken off their lists. She has taken a dislike to the lovely GP who was going to do the memory clinic referral and has told me that she has changed doctors. The name of the new doctor is not at the surgery she goes to. My brother has organised another appointment for mum to have a blood test but we don't know what this is for and mum does not know.
After an horrendous sunday when I took mum to the cash machine to change her pin number (again) to get some cash out for her. I took her shopping which was very stressful because she doesn't know what she needs half the time and me having to remind her with her pin number and then having to watch her charge off with the trolley back into the store and me having to chase after her. I rescued her and then had to watch mum trying to bash a smaller trolley into a lager trolley! We got back to her home and we discovered she had locked herself out bye leaving the spare front door key in the inside lock. I then run home to find a locksmith to get mum in her home and then go back and find mum had a spare back door key on her keyring but didn't realise.
I made an appointment with another GP because I cannot keep my temper any more. I know I should be patient but mum is very trying. I explained what the problem was in advance of mum seeing the GP today for a chat and a blood test. I told the GP my concerns i.e. mum is losing weight, she is forgetful, she walks out in front of traffic without looking, she wanders off, she doesn't wear the right clothes, she doesn't know what day it is....and he said that he would pass this onto mum's GP. I explained that I was going on a 3 week holiday in September and was concerned that there was no one to look after mum. The GP said that there was nothing that they could do unless mum agrees to it.
I took mum to the surgery today. No chat with the dr just a blood test with the practice nurse, I was very disappointed, to say the least.
I have been in contact with social care in the past but they say that they need a diagnosis. They have offered to visit mum but I know mum will turn on me again accusing me of 'going behind her back'. She has an innate fear of hospitals and doctors (but will go for the odd non invasive test) and doesn't like strangers coming to her house. However, she did allow a complete stranger to turn up one day to clean the gutters which was very surprising. Mum sleeps a lot during the day and leaves the back door unlocked.
Mum is very frail and I am sure she is not eating properly. If only she would agree to get a diagnosis then she could risk assessed for her own safety and if I am wrong about mum then I would be pleased. At the moment, I actively hate her for what she is doing to me, she has no idea how much I trying to not to shout at her. Today, I took her back home from the surgery and for the 100th time, she stood at her front door struggling with the key. I stand watch her do this for about five minutes and then she asks me to open the door which I do easily. I tell her to use the back door because it is easier but she refuses.
It just seems that me and my brother (to some degree) are running around just to save mum's feelings but at what cost?
I have gone on, sorry, I am just so fed up, this has been going on for a year and nothing gets done and mum is deterioting and my brother will not stand up to her alongside and I can't do this on my own because mum is next door and I see her most days. If I could move away I would.
Why do I feel like this? I just want to be free of this burden.
I have been away from this helpful site for a while because things had ground to halt with my mother.
Now I am asking for some further advice please.
Just to recap my mother is 90 and lives on her own next door to me. My brother and I have an LPA in place, although mum will not allow us to use it to help her.
Mum is showing all of the signs of early dementia -forgetful, vague, lack of concentration....
I have been in contact with mum's GP (without mum's knowledge) over the past year and we got as far as a referral to the local memory clinic but I had to tell the doctor to cancel the referral because it was ruining the relationship with my mum. She had worked out (I don't know how) that I had been in contact with her doctor and was being very aggressive with me and saying extremely hurtful things.
During this time mum was still driving and I contacted the DVLA because I was worried about her and her licence has been cancelled. Mum worked out that I had contacted the DVLA (I don't know how) although I consistently denied it and she grew very stroppy with me. She even contacted my brother (who lives 50 miles away) and got him on her side. At Christmas she embarrassed me dreadfully in front of my grown up children by accusing me of telling the DVLA about her.
Mum is extremely suspicious and can be very hostile and aggressive. However, she can be very sweet and lovely if she is left alone to do 'her own thing' or has her own way.
Mum's attitude towards me is ruining any feelings that I have towards her. We are not as close as we used to be and provided that I am at her beck and call everything is okay.
My brother visits every few months and deals with the admin work but he is not much use at the emotional side of things or the day to day stuff that I have to do for mum. I have tried to talk to my brother about how mum is becoming a problem but he just tells me to say no to mum if she asks for something to be done. She has told both of us, in no uncertain terms, that she wants to be left alone and that she can manage okay. However, if anything goes wrong or she needs something she will always ask me. Often, I don't mind but she really, really cannot cope but I do get fed up sometimes because she does take me for granted.
I take her shopping every week and she insists on pushing the trolley but she leaves it in the middle of the main gangway in people's way. She does not know where she is going and I have to guide her, it would be so much easier if she left me to do it but no, she want her own way and deteminedly pushes the trolley! She keeps forgetting her pin number of her card at the till and I have to remind her every time. I have to help her get cash out of the machine because she cannot do it, I have to help her write cheques because she can't remember the date,day or year. She walks out in front of cars without even looking and I have to keep an eye on her all of the time. If I didn't do these things mum would have no money or food. I give her lifts to her friends but get's annoyed with me if I dare speak to her friends who call me to confirm that I have the right times/dates because mum forgets. She accuses me of 'going behind her back''. I can't call my brother to help me with the finances whilst I am with mum because she doesn't like me discussing her with him. We just correspond by email and don't tell her.
In desparation, I asked my brother (who handles mum's affairs - as much as she will let him) if he would organise a gardener/cleaner (I thought this would provide her with some company too). Apparently, she refused the cleaner and would not allow my brother access to her accounts with a cheque book so that we can pay for a gardener and her daily papers. My brother has organised a gardener to which she agreed to but this meant that I had to take mum to a cash machine to use her card (because she can't do it now) to get some cash out so that she can pay the gardener when he turns up. He did turn up as planned but mum forgot and went to town (how she does this amazes me because she is a danger outside her home) and the gardener turned up, did a bit of work and went.
My brother has tried to get mum to 'let go' but she will not and he supports her wish for independence, even though he agrees that she is vulnerable. He says that there is nothing we can do until a crisis occurs. It is easy to say when it is not on your doorstep.
I don't know whether it's a personality clash but she just gets on my nerves so much because she will not admit she has a problem. I am getting more and more angry and resentful because everything seems to fall on my shoulders and I find it hard to say no to a frail 90 year old woman. She can be very rude and hurtful.
Mum has done some strange things. She has glaucoma and has to take drops for it. I have the job of making sure that she gets the drops from the chemist delivered and I have taken her to hospital to see the consultant a couple of times. The last time we went in February mum had cancelled the appointment due illness but had forgot to tell me. All this make me even more angry and upset with her.
Mum's GP has been in contact with her telling her that she has missed 3 GP appointments and is running the risk of being taken off their lists. She has taken a dislike to the lovely GP who was going to do the memory clinic referral and has told me that she has changed doctors. The name of the new doctor is not at the surgery she goes to. My brother has organised another appointment for mum to have a blood test but we don't know what this is for and mum does not know.
After an horrendous sunday when I took mum to the cash machine to change her pin number (again) to get some cash out for her. I took her shopping which was very stressful because she doesn't know what she needs half the time and me having to remind her with her pin number and then having to watch her charge off with the trolley back into the store and me having to chase after her. I rescued her and then had to watch mum trying to bash a smaller trolley into a lager trolley! We got back to her home and we discovered she had locked herself out bye leaving the spare front door key in the inside lock. I then run home to find a locksmith to get mum in her home and then go back and find mum had a spare back door key on her keyring but didn't realise.
I made an appointment with another GP because I cannot keep my temper any more. I know I should be patient but mum is very trying. I explained what the problem was in advance of mum seeing the GP today for a chat and a blood test. I told the GP my concerns i.e. mum is losing weight, she is forgetful, she walks out in front of traffic without looking, she wanders off, she doesn't wear the right clothes, she doesn't know what day it is....and he said that he would pass this onto mum's GP. I explained that I was going on a 3 week holiday in September and was concerned that there was no one to look after mum. The GP said that there was nothing that they could do unless mum agrees to it.
I took mum to the surgery today. No chat with the dr just a blood test with the practice nurse, I was very disappointed, to say the least.
I have been in contact with social care in the past but they say that they need a diagnosis. They have offered to visit mum but I know mum will turn on me again accusing me of 'going behind her back'. She has an innate fear of hospitals and doctors (but will go for the odd non invasive test) and doesn't like strangers coming to her house. However, she did allow a complete stranger to turn up one day to clean the gutters which was very surprising. Mum sleeps a lot during the day and leaves the back door unlocked.
Mum is very frail and I am sure she is not eating properly. If only she would agree to get a diagnosis then she could risk assessed for her own safety and if I am wrong about mum then I would be pleased. At the moment, I actively hate her for what she is doing to me, she has no idea how much I trying to not to shout at her. Today, I took her back home from the surgery and for the 100th time, she stood at her front door struggling with the key. I stand watch her do this for about five minutes and then she asks me to open the door which I do easily. I tell her to use the back door because it is easier but she refuses.
It just seems that me and my brother (to some degree) are running around just to save mum's feelings but at what cost?
I have gone on, sorry, I am just so fed up, this has been going on for a year and nothing gets done and mum is deterioting and my brother will not stand up to her alongside and I can't do this on my own because mum is next door and I see her most days. If I could move away I would.
Why do I feel like this? I just want to be free of this burden.
