Hello

[SADARC]

I am new to this forum and looking for some advice. I recently lost my father - my mum who has dementia keeps asking about my dad and I have to keep reminding her that he died - it’s very painful to see each time - although I do believe she is slowly beginning to come to terms with it - we make a little progress everyday - but it has been challenging. I need to take my mum home to live with me as she cannot live on her own - we are 300 miles apart. My concerns are:
She thinks she is coming for a short break but it is to stay permanently - she will obviously want to visit the cemetery everyday as we have only just buried her husband - she will be living in unfamiliar surroundings - I do plan on having care - but to be honest it is all a little overwhelming - I am just unsure as to how my mum will react to such life changing circumstances - I have not even had the chance to even process my dad passing away yet let alone caring for my mum. And I need to return to work at some point. Any advice would be appreciative

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @SADARC, welcome to TP. I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

May I express sympathies for your loss. Hard as it may be for you it's best not to keep reminding your mum about the loss of your father as she will relive the grief every time. There is a great thread about communication that can be found with this link and I hope you find it useful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[karaokePete]

On the subject of care, it is a truth that moving someone to a strange area may cause stress that may be amplified by the recent loss of your father. A short break to see if your mum settles may be a good idea.

Otherwise, getting a needs assessment, to which both the person with dementia and their carer are entitled may bear some fruit. There is an AS Factsheet about this and you can find it with this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...assessment_for_care_in_support_in_england.pdf

It may be useful to see what support is available in both areas and you can do a post code search by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @SADARC welcome to TP, please accept my condolences on the loss of your father.
It sounds like you are in a very difficult position, I admire you moving Mum in with you although I can see it being very difficult.
My first thoughts are that as soon as you move her you get a needs assessment from SS to see what help might be available.
Have you got in place LPA?
I hope you will continue to post now that you have found us there is a lot os information and support here on the forum.
I have put the link up for the Alzheimer’s factsheets which may be useful for you.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

 

[Beate]

I agree. If your Mum can't remember your father's death, why make her grieve time and time again by reminding her? It's much kinder to use love lies that he is at work or whatever might be believable. There is nothing obvious about wanting to visit someone's grave everyday - you should wait until she mentions it - if she does.

If she cannot live on her own, there are other options than you having to move her in to care for her. Please think very carefully before you alter her and your life that drastically, especially while you are still grieving. Duty of care lies with the state not with an individual. It might be best to contact Adult Social Services both where she lives and where you live to see what support they could offer. It is essential to know what help is out there before you commit as you will not be able to look after your mother without outside support - no one can, especially if they have a job as well.

 

[SADARC]

I would like to thank all you lovely people for responding to my post. We do have and LPA - SS were aware of my mums dementia and we were at the time putting care in place before my father died. She is self funding - so I am not sure what help is available to me - but I do plan on contacting SS in my area so she is on the radar. I know my journey ahead is going to be difficult - but I cannot leave her at home to live on her own. I know that I may have to make some tuff decisions - my mum has dementia but she is certainly not ready for a care home so I will do my utmost to support her as best I can with care support. Thank you for all your links for further information - it looks like I have some reading to do.

 

[witts1973]

I would like to thank all you lovely people for responding to my post. We do have and LPA - SS were aware of my mums dementia and we were at the time putting care in place before my father died. She is self funding - so I am not sure what help is available to me - but I do plan on contacting SS in my area so she is on the radar. I know my journey ahead is going to be difficult - but I cannot leave her at home to live on her own. I know that I may have to make some tuff decisions - my mum has dementia but she is certainly not ready for a care home so I will do my utmost to support her as best I can with care support. Thank you for all your links for further information - it looks like I have some reading to do.

Hi you should claim attendance allowance for your mother if you haven't already and if somebody is at home caring for your mother for over 35 hours a week they can claim carers alowance,if you do need any extra help later down the line try and do it through social services as it's cheaper than contacting a care company and paying privately,even if you are a self funder.
My mother is looked after by me at home and she self funds and has carers coming in,bed wash and pad change in the morning and 3 other calls to change a pad,so there is help to do all of this to stay at home.
Best wishes to you and your mum x

 

[SADARC]

Hi you should claim attendance allowance for your mother if you haven't already and if somebody is at home caring for your mother for over 35 hours a week they can claim carers alowance,if you do need any extra help later down the line try and do it through social services as it's cheaper than contacting a care company and paying privately,even if you are a self funder.
My mother is looked after by me at home and she self funds and has carers coming in,bed wash and pad change in the morning and 3 other calls to change a pad,so there is help to do all of this to stay at home.
Best wishes to you and your mum x

 

[SADARC]

We are already claiming attendance - we have been on this journey for quite sometime with both my parents needing support and it has been very challenging. I did contact SS but they advised that because we were self funding they would only provide guidance. Can I call them and advise them of the care provider I want to use - rather then go direct? I am very apprehensive about the whole situation really.

 

[witts1973]

We are already claiming attendance - we have been on this journey for quite sometime with both my parents needing support and it has been very challenging. I did contact SS but they advised that because we were self funding they would only provide guidance. Can I call them and advise them of the care provider I want to use - rather then go direct? I am very apprehensive about the whole situation really.

It might have been different with our circumstances,my mum lost her mobility and was being cared for at home by me,I was burned out and they sent a team in to help us and gave her a hospital bed the same day in the lounge,we had an NHS home care team for a week and then we were passed on to an agency and the LA sends us the bill,I thought it was quite expensive so I enquired how much it would cost as a direct customer of the care company and found it would be more expensive.
What help do you need at home,do your folks still have mobility?